What Am I Becoming?

Dearest Rachel – I don’t know how you did it, honey. And I don’t know how I’m going to be able to continue doing this. Or for how much longer. It may well be simply because this is a night when I need to wake up early; I’ve got to shower, change and be outContinue reading “What Am I Becoming?”

from Rachel: Developing Your Friendship with God

“May 5, 2004 “I will try to remember to pray often, ‘Dear Jesus, more than anything else, I want to get to know you intimately.’” “I need to remember that it is very important to grow closer to God, even if my main reason to want to want to is self-preservation – I would ratherContinue reading “from Rachel: Developing Your Friendship with God”

Almost Caught Flat-Footed

Dearest Rachel – Before I start on the topic at hand, I need to show you this, apropos of absolutely nothing else. This was the entirety of the mail today: Needless to say (did you ever notice that any time someone says that, they go ahead and say whatever it is anyway? Not that I’mContinue reading “Almost Caught Flat-Footed”

Only From A Distance

Dearest Rachel – I haven’t talked to you all that much recently about how things are going on the dating front. Not because I think you’d be jealous (while you never explicitly gave me the permission to find someone else after you were gone like I gave you, I’m pretty sure that your reaction whenContinue reading “Only From A Distance”

Morning Un-Routine

Dearest Rachel – The Army used to have a slogan about how “we do more before 9am than most people do all day.” Considering that I’m sitting in the veterinary parking lot, and it’s a quarter to nine, while I have to confess that while I’m not Army material, I’m at least getting started onContinue reading “Morning Un-Routine”

With or Without the Slash

Dearest Rachel – I guess the day has yet to come; I still see the twenty-third of each month as another milestone. It has now been eight months since the accident. Two-thirds of a year. With or without the slash, the numbers two and three have significance today. Of course, I know that others haveContinue reading “With or Without the Slash”

Not the Worst Way to Make an Impression

Dearest Rachel – Another day, another walk to the ‘office.’ With a stop or two along the way; there are always things that need to be done, after all. First of which was to stop by the bank and drop off my payment for property taxes. I know they’re not due for another week orContinue reading “Not the Worst Way to Make an Impression”

You Can Put Away Your Sunscreen

Dearest Rachel – Well, another season has come and gone. Summer is officially over. Amazing to realize that the passage of time is not an arbitrary concept, but there are physical conditions that we can observe here on earth; day and night, and the length of each defining the season of the year, even ifContinue reading “You Can Put Away Your Sunscreen”

The Only Thing That’s Never Empty

Dearest Rachel – While I’d be more than willing to admit there are so many things I’d like to have back, I would settle for being able to hear your voice, and converse with you back-and-forth. I’ve mentioned not so long ago about how I wish I could compare notes about how you dealt withContinue reading “The Only Thing That’s Never Empty”

Qualified to Suffer

Dearest Rachel – It seems like a very long time ago since I last felt this way, but there was a time when I thought life was good… too good. We were happy together, both as a couple and as a family. We had plans to enjoy this or that, and whatever problems we wereContinue reading “Qualified to Suffer”

Never Knew I’d Need Notes

Dearest Rachel – At some point in last night’s Grief Share meeting, the video session was going over certain emotions and attitudes we might have within the first few days and weeks. Honestly, I’m not sure why I was told earlier that my grief was ‘too raw’ and it was ‘too soon’ to go throughContinue reading “Never Knew I’d Need Notes”

Spot Macbeth

Dearest Rachel – No, this does not refer to some Shakespearean take on Where’s Waldo, although the idea of Martin Handford drawing a crowd in the Globe Theatre into which the actor portraying the Scottish usurper is trying to blend while being pursued by Macduff and Malcolm makes for an interesting image. Considering Handford’s BritishContinue reading “Spot Macbeth”

Surprises

Dearest Rachel – I’ll tell you, this year thus far has been absolutely full of surprises. Which means that it’s probably a good thing you’re not around to deal with them, as you hated surprises. This was particularly evident when it came to birthdays and holidays – anything having to do with gift-giving. The longContinue reading “Surprises”

from Rachel: Becoming Best Friends with God

“May 4 “I read this chapter first thing in the morning, so I put on my fish ring as a reminder of God’s constant presence with me. Then, I decided to go one better, and I took my purple polish with me. While we were outside with the kids (Ladies Bible Study), I painted myContinue reading “from Rachel: Becoming Best Friends with God”

Broken In

Dearest Rachel – I can’t seem to find a letter to you that tells you when I bought these running shoes, so you’ll have to take it on faith that I did, probably late in April or early in May. Scott and I went to that Runners’ High shop just outside the ‘alfresco’ section ofContinue reading “Broken In”

Upended

Dearest Rachel – Well, that was mildly unnerving. Just last night, I was telling Ellen and Erin how much I look forward to going back to traveling; how I’d like to just be able to grab someone’s hand, tell them “pack yourself a weeks worth of clothes, girl,” grab a flight and head off. HereContinue reading “Upended”

American Royalty

Good morning, honey – I woke up this morning with the – not realization, exactly, as it was a dream and cannot be relied on – that Tom Wopat and John Schneider might well have just been heavily into stock cars during their days at Hollywood High School, and lucked into a television series fromContinue reading “American Royalty”

Catching Up And Running Ahead

Dearest Rachel – For all the Bible studies you went through several times a year… I know you were rarely one to keep up with the every day assignments. I remember you sprawled out on the bed or the couch in the family room, catching up on the daily questions the evening prior to theContinue reading “Catching Up And Running Ahead”

Credit Where It’s Due

Dearest Rachel – The girls communicate with each other at the weirdest times, it would seem. It probably shouldn’t surprise me when I see emails back-and-forth at around one in the morning, considering Erin’s graveyard shift schedule, but the fact that Ellen responds at roughly the same time comes as a surprise. Still, if that’sContinue reading “Credit Where It’s Due”

Intermittent Chaos

Dearest Rachel – It wasn’t precisely a nightmare, as such, but it was one of those dreams that you wake up from feeling quite glad that it wasn’t reality. Well the bulk of what was happening has faded from my memory, I vividly recall a mushroom cloud of fire and smoke erupting at a strangeContinue reading “Intermittent Chaos”

The Journey Continues Alone

Dearest Rachel – It’s been several days since I’ve gotten home, but there are still some images from the YMCA of the Rockies that struck me that I haven’t shared with you yet. Throughout the park, I observed a number of memorials set up from and of people who contributed to the park. There wasContinue reading “The Journey Continues Alone”

Everything Looks Different in the Morning – But What About the Afternoon?

Dearest Rachel – One of the things they talked about at Grief Share last night was the difference between actively pursuing suicide, and the simple desire to no longer live. The latter is an attitude of “if you were to take me, too, God, I wouldn’t mind,” and is a fairly normal reaction to theContinue reading “Everything Looks Different in the Morning – But What About the Afternoon?”

Trying to Think at Three a.m.

Dearest Rachel – There are some questions in my life that I can no longer give a straight answer to. “How are you doing?” Well, do you just wanna exchange pleasantries, or would you like an actual answer? “Can I help you?” Wow, do you really mean that? “Do you always respond to a questionContinue reading “Trying to Think at Three a.m.”

Resisting Resuming Responsibilities

Dearest Rachel – So I open my eyes this morning, and look at the alarm clock: it’s a quarter to seven. And I have to admit, I do not want to get up just yet. I won’t go so far as to say it’s been a grueling weekend, but I’ll allow that it wasn’t exactlyContinue reading “Resisting Resuming Responsibilities”

It’s Hard to Be the Adult When You’re Also Still the Kid

Dearest Rachel – So yesterday, as soon as we landed, I gave my folks a call to let them know I was back in town, safe and sound. But also because they had offered to pick me up at the airport and bring me home. You’ll recall that I commented this weekend about how IContinue reading “It’s Hard to Be the Adult When You’re Also Still the Kid”