It Would Never Work

Dearest Rachel –

It was a relatively small crowd that went down to Honduras a couple of weeks ago – closer to fifteen rather than twenty, which has been the rough average of previous trips (in fairness, they are doing a greater number of trips this year, thereby spreading volunteers out among multiple weeks, rather than having everybody go down during a single week in both the summer and winter) – but I noticed something about the members of the group. A disproportionate number of them happened to be staffers connected with the church, as opposed to regular members volunteering their time.

Maybe this had always been the case, that staff members were and are encouraged to go down to Honduras as an extension of the overall ministry. After all, the organization itself is the brainchild of a staff member, although I couldn’t tell you with full confidence whether its creation predated her direct employment at church or the other way around. Much as with camp, there’s a bleed-through between the organizations – the church, the camp and the mission – that deliberately encourages exchange between the three. It’s just that it’s more noticeable in a group of twelve to fifteen, as opposed to twenty or more.

In any event, I noticed something about several of the staffers that had, up until now, escaped my notice. Two of the guys down there with us had sweethearts who were also on staff – I hesitate to use an official team like ‘wife’ or ‘fiancée,’ because I don’t know if either of them are actually at those stages, but they’re both at a point where that looks to be inevitable for the near future – and I want to say that one of the girls might have had a beau back at the office as well, but I wasn’t close enough to find out (and it would have been that much more awkward to ask than the guys). In any event, I can guarantee that there are several other couples scattered throughout the church, camp and mission staff that have met as part of their work in one or the other capacity over the past few years.

In short, not only is the church (as the umbrella organization) proving its bona fides as a training ground for young people looking into careers in ministry – whether they end up at our own fast-growing network, or move on to other opportunities across the country or even around the world – but a seemingly effective means for them to find life partners with a similar level of devotion to their faith and the desire to spread it far and wide. To borrow the term you would self-deprecatingly use on yourself, these kids could get their MRS degree here to go with their B.A.s and M.A.s from the likes of Moody and elsewhere. As far as I can tell, there appear to be at least five such matches in progress, not counting the ones that have been made fully official already; quite the success rate, really.

It makes me think that, given my circumstances (and wishes), I ought to petition to set up an office at the Des Plaines headquarters. After all, I’m already spending much of my ‘work’ time at the ‘office’ on stuff related to these various operations as it is; why not place myself where the action is, both in terms of the operational side and on a social basis?

Granted, thus far, I can still pretend that I’m joking when I say this, especially if I were called out. In reality, though, it’s only half a joke. I’m so isolated from others at home or the ‘office’ that I’m never going to meet anyone at this rate; I really need to get out into the wider world. Given the focus of my work, it seems a natural fit. And who’s to say it wouldn’t work?

Well… I am, actually. And there’s a lot of reasons as to why.

First of all, there are reasons why I ‘work’ at Mom’s place, not all of which have to do with actual ‘work.’ Yes, one of the reasons was so that I could focus on the various tasks better (there are just too many distractions at home; I don’t know how anyone telecommutes effectively, to be honest), which could be done just as easily at the church offices – possibly even better, as I might have access to physical documents that I don’t as things stand.

But then there’s the fact that, even with Dad gone, there’s still that matter of filial piety this represents. I can be there for me if she needs me; maybe not as much for physical needs, as she’s ambulatory in a way Dad wasn’t, but there’s the matter of paperwork involved with his estate (and sometimes, in dealing with the legal and financial professionals, I can be her ears, which are failing). And while she wouldn’t come out and ask for it, I think she appreciates the visits and the company. It wouldn’t be right to stop that.

Not only that, but while I’m at my ‘office’ there, I’m not compelled to stay on task. The only boss I have there is myself, and as I said even when you first allowed me to retire and set up shop there, I’m a pushover as a boss. I can goof around there, if I want to – paging through my news feed, studying the possibility of reviving you in the form of AI-based cinema – in ways I couldn’t in good conscience do if I were installed in a cubicle at church.

Which brings me to the fact that it wouldn’t do me any favors, socially, to be there in order to work for them. I was raised – by who, I couldn’t say, as I don’t think I got it from my folks or my schooling – to believe that when you’re on the clock, you work, and that’s it. The office isn’t a place to socialize, because when you do that, you’re not getting work done. Much as I might want to, it wouldn’t feel right to constantly be chatting with co-workers. And while there are times at a typical office where people take breaks, I never got used to the idea of just… stopping like that. Even at the ‘office’ I currently go to, I always ‘work’ through the lunch hour, since my ‘dad bod’ is proof that I don’t need more than two meals a day. I’d be out of sync with everybody else, even if I was present; better to work alone, where it doesn’t matter if I’m out of step with everyone socially.

And of course, there’s the matter as to why I’d consider relocating to an office at church. There may not be an actual commandment about “thou shalt not have a hidden agenda” (although the fact that I’m devoting this entire letter to the subject should prove that it’s not all that hidden), but there are plenty of places in scripture where the Lord pays attention to what’s in the heart, as opposed to what a person appears to be, whether in form or deed. This isn’t motivated by “seek[ing] first the kingdom of God,” since I can do everything that’s needed of me from Mom’s place (or theoretically my own, but I don’t trust myself there; and besides, she needs me from time to time), and therefore, it would not be honored by Him. Ironically, if I were to seek Him first, it’s possible – not guaranteed, but possible – that Megumi would “be added unto [me],” but not like this, where it’s the main reason.

So, yeah; for all that it might be amusing to consider the possibility, I know better than to even try. It would never work, even if it might look sensible on the surface.

I wish I could get your advice on the subject, honey, but if I could, that would preclude my need (if you could even call it that) to ponder it in the first place. For now, I’ll just stick to asking you for your eye upon me, as well as your best wishes for the day to come. I’m going to need it.