Dearest Rachel –
I’ve started a few more drafts since the last time I mentioned having a few I could work with, but by and large, they aren’t the sort of topics that are particularly time-sensitive. I could easily modify “yesterday” to “the other day” and no one would be the wiser if I didn’t say anything (which, of course, I can’t help myself). But no matter; this topic feels like something I need to keep addressing on the day, for obvious reasons.
Yes, that’s right; Another month has come and gone, and I’m still painfully aware of those anniversary markers that are the twenty-third of every month. Moreover, this one hits a little bit harder than most, because it very nearly marks a slightly different milestone; that of two thousand days now since you’ve left. I mean, not exactly; at the moment, it’s been 2,007 days – Which I tend to miss because my streak didn’t begin on this site until about 12 days after the accident, so I keep thinking that the two thousandth day hasn’t gotten here yet.
None of which should be of any importance to me, since one day is very much like the next, but they were some things that I wanted to get done on my end before that day got here – and somehow, it snuck up on me and passed me while I wasn’t looking. I completely missed that day, because I was too busy with all sorts of other things, and I expect I’ll be preoccupied with so much else for the foreseeable future, too. If nothing else, it’s so hard to get started on a project like this; I somehow expect that, once I do get started, it won’t be nearly as difficult as all that (like with these letters – it sometimes surprises me as to how much I can tell you on any given day, even when there doesn’t seem like there’s anything to tell you about), but for the moment, well…
I don’t even really want to going into any details about these plans with you because, until such time as I actually put something together, there’s no point in describing something that may or may not ever come to fruition. It’s like that old parable of the guy planning on building a tower; I don’t want to be caught with it half built. I have so many other projects that have ended up like that already, that I’d just as soon not add another one to the pile.
Of course, Day Two Thousand was nothing more than an arbitrary, self-imposed deadline. Numbers aside, there’s no particular significance to it, any more than any other day. All I really need is a day with the right lighting (because, after all, some days, the bedroom is just too dim to film in), and the kind of motivation to setup cameras and subscribe to this or that AI film sequence generator. Because it’s the motivation to do this that’s the real challenge; that, and the technical expertise, but studying what I need to get that expertise requires motivation, too.
Oh and there I go again, going into too much detail already.
I think part of the reason I don’t have the motivation is that it isn’t going to solve anything. Sure, it might be impressive to actually accomplish, but after all this time, it actually feels like I’ve gotten over things and gotten on with my life (apart, of course, from finding ‘Megumi,’ but that’s a story for another time); being able to digitally re-create you isn’t going to bring you back, and I’m fully aware of that. So why go to all the trouble, when there are so many other things that need doing?
Not only that, once I get home from ‘work,’ I don’t really feel like doing that much more with myself. Once I’ve dropped into my chair in the bedroom, I’d just as soon stay there, doing as much nothing as possible, until it’s time to crawl the five feet over to the bed itself and switch off until the following morning, when the cycle begins anew. I get that it sounds bleak and tedious when it’s put that way, but how different is that from many (if not most) people’s existence already? You survive a day, and then a week, a month, a year… and pretty soon, two thousand days have gone by, and you hardly notice it when it does. There’s no distinguishing mark on the day, like there is on the twenty-third of every month.
I’d apologize for having let it escape my notice, but you weren’t the type to keep track of time so carefully as all that, in any event. Moreover, given that you’ve transcended the temporal dimension that we’re chained to over here, there’s always the question of whether you’re aware of (or can even comprehend anymore, like how these days I have trouble relating to other people’s workaday lives, now that I’m effectively retired) how time flows over here. So I suppose I haven’t anything to seek forgiveness over, other than from myself. It’s all very strange, in that respect.
Anyway, happy anniversary, I guess. Hopefully, I can at least get a little more in the way of local happenings for you later on, but until then, keep an eye on me and wish me well; I’m going to be needing it.
Letters to Rachel 