Proctoring

Dearest Rachel –

So, last night I was imagining that I was proctoring an exam; presumably for the kids down in Honduras (where I will be next week), but at the same time, it was a test I had been hoping to take, like with the CPA exam. At some point while I was doing this, it occurred to me that my role as proctor meant I had access to the test answers, which therefore disqualified me from taking the test in any official capacity; to do otherwise would be cheating, to say the least. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was that I couldn’t take the exam at that moment.

It wasn’t until I woke up that it struck me that, since I already have my CPA certification, I don’t have to take the test. I already passed it ages ago. Never mind that times (and rules) have changed, as long as I’d already done the work in the past, and I keep up with my dues to the Society that governs those of us with the proper certification (as well keeping up with my continuing professional education), I don’t need to be tested again.

Besides, their tests would be in Spanish, which I can barely understand; it would have been pointless for me to even try.

Still, I get what the dream was trying to tell me; I need to start getting prepared for departure come Sunday morning. This isn’t like one of my leisure trips, where I can’t afford to get excited, lest something go wrong at the last minute and all my plans come to naught. There’s more to the moment than whether I’m healthy enough to travel (which I dare say I am – and even if I wasn’t, it’s not as if Covid is a big deal any more). This is a matter of bringing necessary stuff down there, both knowledge as well as material; there’s no more the option not to go than there used to be whether I show up at the office back in the day. The work needs to be done.

At the same time, I suspect that the whole aspect that I, despite proctoring this exam (which, by the way, is not how we teach when we’re down there. I understand that it’s a common practice in the private schools they have there – and certainly, tests absolutely have their place in education – but the Just One facility tries to be a little more practical and ‘hands-on’ wherever possible, although I generally wind up lecturing, which is not a forte of mine), am no better versed in the subject matter than the students. I don’t know if I’m overestimating their knowledge or underestimating mine, but the idea of teaching still fills me with a sense that I’m only play-acting as an expert.

Honestly, I don’t know how educators can do what they do without a nearly paralyzing case of imposter syndrome; I certainly think I’m incapable of this, and it would seem that my subconscious mind is reminding me of this very thing. Then again, I read about certain schools where the teachers aren’t really expected to be much more than glorified babysitters, so there’s really no expertise involved, apart from just surviving from day to day.

On the other hand, these kids aren’t like that; they aren’t coming because there’s some legal mandate that they be in school. They want to better their lives with education, knowledge and skills, and we’re to bestow what we have onto them. The trouble is, I can’t help but wonder if I have enough to give them, especially in the format I’ve found myself. I’m bringing down supplies that I can give them, so that they can continue the work once I’m gone, but how much instruction can I give? And will it make sense to them?

I guess the mercy resides in the fact that I only have a single class to teach, and it barely takes up an hour. If it doesn’t take root, at least I can comfort myself in the fact that I only had so long to instruct them how to use these books I’m bringing down to them, and what they’re meant to take away from keeping track of their financial activity (which is to say, where they spend their money, and whether they can adjust their habits going forward; “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”)

Then again, perhaps that is the question that I should be directing at myself; where is my treasure in this story? Where am I investing my time, treasure and attention? This may be my mind’s attempt to remind me that these kids need more than a perfunctory lesson; they need guidance and direction – and it wouldn’t be good for me to lack that myself, thereby disqualifying me from being able to give it to them myself. Especially in a case such as this, where most of the team coming down here doesn’t have the expertise that I do (limited though I might consider it to be).

Of course, that one hour in class (and whatever time is needed to go over the café’s books earlier in the week) isn’t everything. There is always manual labor that needs doing, and I’ll be more than willing to pitch in there as well. That doesn’t require the same brainpower – and therefore, provoke the same self-doubt – as those that I’m specifically down there to deal with. This sets the expectations lower, and makes those tasks that much easier; all I have to do is follow instructions, rather than being the one giving them.

Well, that’s a lot to take away from a dream that may well have lasted for only a few moments, but it’s definitely something I need to light a fire beneath myself. Along with that, though, I could use your eyes upon me, and a wish that I do well, honey.
Thanks so much.