Let’s Get This Party Over With

It is better to go to a ·funeral [^Lhouse of mourning]
    than to a ·party [^Ldrinking house].
·We all must die [^LIt is everyone’s end],
    and everyone living should ·think about this [^Ltake it to heart].

Ecclesiastes 7:2, Expanded Bible

Dearest Rachel –

Since I identify with the older version of Solomon – the writer of Ecclesiastes – than the younger one who wrote Proverbs (unlike my Dad, who made chapter 3, verses 5 and 6 his life’s motto), I get what he’s saying about the benefit of contemplating mortality and saying a proper farewell to those who – like you and Dad – have left us behind here on earth. At the same time, I’m really not looking forward to today, I don’t mind telling you.

And it’s not just because of the old saw about people’s fear of speaking in public, and how it outranks that of death itself in certain cases. To be sure, I’m not used to doing such stuff, but at least I’m not speaking off-the-cuff; I’ve gotten something written down to say. It’s just that summarizing him – and those who inspired him to be who he was and became – deserves so much more attention than I could give in a ten-minute speech. And at that same time, I’m going to be hard-pressed to keep it to those ten minutes (and, now that I’m telling you this, I’ve no idea if those three pages are going to clock in at ten minutes or less to begin with.

Nor is it having to do with getting dressed up, as one does for a funeral. It’s been difficult getting Daniel to agree to formality; as you’ll recall, he’s reluctant to the point of intransigence about wearing collared shirts. No dress shirts, not even polos are comfortable for him. Which is fine, although it kept us out of the dining room on the cruise this past month. However, he’s proven quite willing to wear turtlenecks – which is odd, as they’re tighter around the neck than any collared shirt (until you add a tie, and our church has all but done away with wearing ties) – and so, I’ve gotten him to come to both the visitation in a black turtleneck, which gives him a strikingly poetic look. And just in case his attire would otherwise seem out of place, I’m wearing one today as well; I just hope it stays reasonably cool today, but this being June, that may be a forlorn hope indeed.

On the subject of Daniel, you would have been pleased to see him greeting the well-wishers as they passed by us yesterday. Granted, things weren’t as bad as he feared from the outset – he assumed the visitation would go on from four until ten, rather than eight. Once assured that the required time standing up by the coffin would be reduced by one-third – and that I would be by his side for most of the time (although I started out at Mom’s side to see if she needed anything, until Jenn came over and offered to take that post with her family) – he proceeded to endure the situation gamely. And better than that, as he actually had stories to tell to those passing by to pay their respects, rather than simply standing there awkwardly as he (and I, I won’t lie) feared he might.

Granted, there were more than a few faces he couldn’t put names to, and while I could help him with a few, I got several wrong myself, and completely blanked on others, included several in the extended family. There were some who made themselves familiar by voice rather than face; time has made some astonishing changes to some of us, honey. And then there were those who acknowledged that Dad had touched their lives without being physically present, as such; he’s been held up as an example to those coming in to the church, despite the fact that he hasn’t been able to attend in person for the better part of the past year, and of course, wouldn’t be seen at certain times and locations even when he was.

So yes, we were both at a loss from time to time, but usually we were given grace about it, as the river of faces flowed past for the first two hours or so. And I think he did well, even without my having to support, let alone prompt him.

But I think we’re all wanting to get this over with today, on this, the end of the sixty-fifth month since your departure. As with you and your ashes, the body lying in state there is nothing but an empty shell, filled with preservatives to stave off rot for the moment; and regardless of the undertakers’ skill (both Mom and Jenn tell me that he wasted away terribly during his last few days, and that it was just as well that Daniel, in particular, wasn’t around to see him then), he stiff looks like an emaciated husk, rather than the joyful man we all knew and loved. On the other hand, I did notice they gave him the barest ghost of a smile, so they deserve some credit. Regardless, we’re closing the casket before everyone shows up today; after we say one last, reluctant goodbye.

Although… goodbye to what? He’s already long since gone; I assume you and the rest of the family and friend group have long since greeted him and shown him around. Daniel keeps wondering what his first meal in seven years would have been, and indeed, what good things of earth that have been kept (and vastly exceeded in goodness) in heaven he indulged in first, after so long being unable to. I wish you could tell us, but any messages seem to go but one way.

And it’s these thoughts that go through my mind as we prepare to do this today. We’re not looking forward to the moment – and yet a “moment” doesn’t seem to do him justice – while at the same time, we’re wanting to get it over with. It may be better to be here than at a party, but we would much rather be at the party over on your side right now.

In any event, we’ve got to finish getting ready for it all. So keep an eye on us, and wish us luck; we’re going to need it.