"Megumi" – Letters to Rachel

You Never Asked That of Me

Dearest Rachel – The other morning, as I was waking up to the stillness of the empty bedroom (which, after over a week of sharing hotel rooms and a ship’s stateroom with Daniel’s, ought to be a bit of a relief, but there you go), an earworm burrowed itself into my mind. You know theContinue reading “You Never Asked That of Me”

from Rachel: Now Answers / Delayed Actions

If you can relate, offer your own: what request were you fully convinced God had answered affirmatively?“The incidents that come to mind were all followed through fairly quickly. The most recent I can think of being my safety through surgery and the tumor being benign.” ⛤ In my own attempts to distinguish my desires fromContinue reading “from Rachel: Now Answers / Delayed Actions”

His Opinion Matters

Dearest Rachel – I don’t remember who told me this, specifically, but in the immediate aftermath of your departure, I was advised not to make any major rash decisions in my life. No major purchases, no attempts at pursuing ‘Megumi’ (who hadn’t been given that name at that point, let alone had her criteria fleshedContinue reading “His Opinion Matters”

Accustomed to the Emptiness

Dearest Rachel – To a certain extent, I think that I’m living the life I expected to when I graduated from college with no one to my name but myself. Much as some folks used to denigrate the university experience as an opportunity for certain females to obtain their “Mrs.” degree (is that still aContinue reading “Accustomed to the Emptiness”

Righteous But Ribald

Dearest Rachel – I’m not sure where to begin with this particular topic; it feels almost awkward to bring up, let alone explain what brought it to mind. Then again, I could argue that the way we would spend Saturday mornings make this topic the most natural thing to discuss every now and again. ButContinue reading “Righteous But Ribald”

Daylight Between Us

Dearest Rachel – It wasn’t what I expected to be doing of a Tuesday evening, but as dates go, I suppose it could have been worse. At least it was a pleasant discussion, and neither of us had much time to develop a case of nerves beforehand. You can probably guess even just by thatContinue reading “Daylight Between Us”

He’s Not Santa Claus

Dearest Rachel – In so many ways, it was the sort of Christmas anyone could ask for. A quiet, subdued one, to be sure, but our family hasn’t had little kids running around tearing up the place for the better part of a decade. We all ate way too much (well, except for Dad, andContinue reading “He’s Not Santa Claus”

Can’t Give It Up

Dearest Rachel – Which would you rather do, honey; something you hated for an hour or two, or give up something you loved for a day or more? More to the point, if you had to do both in order to accomplish a certain goal, which do you think you would have the mostContinue reading “Can’t Give It Up”

Those First Few Realizations

Dearest Rachel – Good morning, and I hope you’re enjoying your forty-fifth month in the Kingdom. I admit to not always acknowledging these months anymore as they pass. Much of the time, it’s because I’m actually preoccupied with what passes for my usual life, and I don’t notice the day has come and gone untilContinue reading “Those First Few Realizations”

Puzzling Dissatisfaction

Dearest Rachel – Two hundred ten point five. That’s what I was looking at this morning when I first woke up; before making my way to the gym to work out. Yesterday aside, I’d only seen that number after a hour or more of vigorous exercise, and only a couple of times before bobbing backContinue reading “Puzzling Dissatisfaction”

Am I Really Okay?

Dearest Rachel – You already know I started writing these letters to you to try and remember this or that incident in our lives together and attempt to commit them to paper (or at least pixels) before they were erased from mind and memory like words written in the sand on a tide-washed beach. However,Continue reading “Am I Really Okay?”

Factory-Installed Conscience

Dearest Rachel – One of the reasons why I’m hoping to find a ‘Megumi’ for myself is because I don’t trust myself to make the ‘right’ decision. Left to my own devices, I know I’m more likely to make the asocial, selfish choice far more often than not (consider, just as an example, how oftenContinue reading “Factory-Installed Conscience”

Deadman’s Switch

Dearest Rachel – Another day, another letter that I’m compelled to write to you that I can’t publish. There are so many things that I want to tell you about that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with the world at large; not yet, and likely not ever. The fact of the matter remains that, whileContinue reading “Deadman’s Switch”

And There Will Be Joy!

Dearest Rachel – I know that it was one of our favorite films, but do you remember the last words of the King of Florin? It’s a fairly obscure line in the midst of a scene that memorable for other reasons, but let me see if I can’t refresh your memory (there’s a lot going onContinue reading “And There Will Be Joy!”

The Rut

Dearest Rachel – I know it’s weird for me to comment on the titles of these letters; as far as I’m concerned, it’s weird for letters to have titles in the first place. But when they’re set out in this blog format, it seems they need something to distinguish one from another. This isn’t necessarilyContinue reading “The Rut”

Fear of Being Trusted

Dearest Rachel – You’re probably looking at that title with some bemusement at this point; it would be so much more in character for me to look up the Greek equivalent to this phrase, and express the concept as a ‘phobia.’ For the record, there is a term for fear of trust – pistanthrophobia –Continue reading “Fear of Being Trusted”

The Daruma’s Eye

Dearest Rachel – I’m sure you remember how, whenever we would travel, we would bring home certain souvenirs that were meant to be used or consumed – usually food products, but occasionally something else. We were fully aware of their purpose, and in many cases, that we only had a limited time in which theyContinue reading “The Daruma’s Eye”

Not Doing It For Me

Dearest Rachel – Fall is certainly making itself felt, with cooler temperatures and shorter days; indeed, that was just brought home yesterday when we had to set our clocks back. But at the same time, it’s not gotten so cold yet that I find myself having to wear the really bulky clothes that conceal theContinue reading “Not Doing It For Me”

In Praise of Impurity

Dearest Rachel – You’re probably looking at that title, and bracing yourself for what is commonly referred to here on the interwebs as “a hot take.” There’s likely to be a heavy dose of self-justification and attempts to explain my position on this matter, especially considering that the words as put up there seem, onContinue reading “In Praise of Impurity”

Jealous Of Your Ghost

Dearest Rachel – I’ve been showing your ring around to certain people lately (in fairness, I’m not sure that photographs, despite being able to show it at a magnified level, can do the image justice, so as many as can see it in person, the better). Most of them are reasonably impressed by it, butContinue reading “Jealous Of Your Ghost”

Boaz Without Ruth

Dearest Rachel – I considered titling this letter “Boaz Seeks Ruth,” which admittedly sounds like the wording of a traditional personals ad, except that, as I began to type, it occurred to me that he very much wasn’t seeking her – or anyone else, for that matter. In fact, he had very much given upContinue reading “Boaz Without Ruth”

from Rachel: The Obstacle of Idolatry

List everything Isaiah 55:1-9 teaches us about God. – “God satisfies spiritual hunger and thirst. – “God gives generously and freely. – “He makes everlasting covenants. – “He puts leaders in power. – “He ordains futures. – “He endows with splendor. – “He is available and eager to hear from us. – “He calls theContinue reading “from Rachel: The Obstacle of Idolatry”

They Never Learn… But Then, Neither Do I

Dearest Rachel – I’m not always sure whether my jaded approach to online conversations (I hesitate to call it ‘dating’ anymore, since it never gets anywhere close to that) is excessively cynical, but the alleged women I find myself chatting with always manage to live down to my expectations of them, so perhaps it’s perfectlyContinue reading “They Never Learn… But Then, Neither Do I”

The Song That Fits

Dearest Rachel – So last night, Kerstin came over. It was all we could do; getting all the girls together just wasn’t in the cards. It’s part of why it’s taken so long to arrange your final send-off – Erin needs her schedule together for the following year by the previous November, while Aaron (theContinue reading “The Song That Fits”

Testosterone Blues

Dearest Rachel – There’s an old joke that I remember only vaguely – I’m probably going to get most of the details wrong, but as long as the setup and punchline are intact it shouldn’t matter – about a fellow my age or maybe older, who’s worried about feeling his age. He tells his friend,Continue reading “Testosterone Blues”

Where Did I Expect to Be?

Dearest Rachel – I don’t have to keep track of the days; I just keep writing to you, and the computer does it for me. Just a few days ago, it sent me a notification, congratulating me on another anniversary on this site. Given what spurred me to start this, I’m not sure that IContinue reading “Where Did I Expect to Be?”

Mercy, Grace and Pity

Good morning, honey – This morning’s visions are going to be considerably more disjointed than most – dreams can be like that, after all – but it’s the sort of thing you’d likely be telling me about if it happened to you, so I think it’s only fair. This letter might also be the sortContinue reading “Mercy, Grace and Pity”

The Benchmark

Dearest Rachel – I’d fill you in about last night’s dream – something about the Incredibles, with the kids more or less grown up, duking it out against a league of supervillains basically representing the Seven Deadly Sins (honestly, what is it about supervillains that compels them to a.) insist on some sort of themeContinue reading “The Benchmark”

Can’t Help But Compare

Dearest Rachel – Waking up ridiculously early this morning isn’t anywhere near as unpleasant as it has been, now that the fan motor has been replaced in the bedroom space heater. Still, without an immediate topic at hand to talk to you about today (since by waking up, I seem to have completely punctured whateverContinue reading “Can’t Help But Compare”

And Another One Down

Dearest Rachel – Yep; another one bites the dust. Thanks to Logan’s image lookup technique, I have spotted a problem with Aileen. Shortly after she was allegedly assigned to the San Diego naval base, she sent me a picture purporting to be of herself in front of her barracks, wearing what she claimed to beContinue reading “And Another One Down”

Live and In Person

Dearest Rachel – Some time before you left, back when I was still considering assembling some form of YouTube channel, I was reading up on artificial intelligence, and how it was able to compose music. As I had no particular talent in that field, it seemed like a great idea for coming up with originalContinue reading “Live and In Person”

One Last Throw of the Dice

Dearest Rachel – Well, my subscription to that dating website/app is about to expire, and I’m not sure I’m really going to miss it. It’s given me a fair amount of fodder to write you about, to be sure, but up until now, there hasn’t really been all that much in terms of real results.Continue reading “One Last Throw of the Dice”

Ten Thousand Days

Dearest Rachel – Last Thursday, after dinner with the folks, Daniel and I retired to the family room with them as we always do. Mom finished up the washing (yes, that’s her system; it helps that the kitchen counter overlooks the family room, so she’s part of the conversation as she works), and eventually joinedContinue reading “Ten Thousand Days”

On Being ‘The Grenade’

Dearest Rachel – I’ve spoken to certain people who find themselves amused at some of the stories I tell you about my life lived after you, particularly those having to do with finding a successor to you (if you’d want to call her that). It offers a measure of comfort to me that, if IContinue reading “On Being ‘The Grenade’”

Up and Out

Dearest Rachel – You might remember the scene at the end of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Willy Wonka presses the button marked ‘Up and Out.’ “I always wanted to press that button, but never had the nerve,” he says – and I may be paraphrasing. And for good reason, as the elevator smashesContinue reading “Up and Out”

Settling For Less

Dearest Rachel – So, last night, the girls came over – probably for the last time for the next month. Since I had fixed a meal last time (well, sort of; I’d heated up a bunch of stuff that I’d gotten from Costco and whatever), I suggested that once we were assembled at the house,Continue reading “Settling For Less”

Dancing While It’s All Torn Down

Dearest Rachel – This is probably what comes of driving to the ‘office’ as the weather chills, and the rains that fall are cold and unpleasant. As I’ve said, I’m no runner, and I have no desire to expose myself to that sort of weather if I don’t have to. That being said, it’s suchContinue reading “Dancing While It’s All Torn Down”

The Shoe Finally Drops

Dearest Rachel – I teased about this the other day, because it was happening almost at the same time I was writing about dealing with another scammer on the dating app. But this one was longer in coming around. In fact, I was wondering if it would even actually happen. But I think I knewContinue reading “The Shoe Finally Drops”

Is It Really ‘Just A Number’?

Dearest Rachel – In my continued adventures in online dating, I’ve noticed that ones who have been responding to me have tended to be younger than myself. Coming from a cultural background where that’s more the rule than the exception (sure, there are plenty of couples where both are more or less the same age,Continue reading “Is It Really ‘Just A Number’?”

Nine Whole Months

Dearest Rachel – No, it’s not quite been that long; believe me, I’m painfully aware of each time the twenty-third of the month has rolled around. We’ll be there in a couple of days, yes, but that’s not what this letter is about. No, what’s going on right now is something that just arrived inContinue reading “Nine Whole Months”

A New Theme Song

Dearest Rachel – I think I’ve mentioned the joke before in these letters, and when we were all watching certain meme channels, we were familiar with it, but it bears repeating: if you think of your life as a television series, your alarm clock is basically your theme music, since it’s what starts each episode.Continue reading “A New Theme Song”

Ore Wo Sagashite

Anata, Rei-sama – 私は自分が誰であるか、そして人生と愛から何を求めているかを発見する必要があります。そうでなければ、私は自分が「めぐみ」を見て、彼女があなたかエリンのどちらかであることを願っていることに気付くかもしれません。 Okay… hopefully, I’ve put off all of those who might be scared off by the gratuitous Japanese. We can talk in reasonable privacy. I’m starting this letter I’m sitting on a park bench in Kimball Hill Park, staring at the fountain in the middle of the lake. You and IContinue reading “Ore Wo Sagashite”

The Point of Deception

Dearest Rachel – I had originally planned on writing you about how nice it was to have conversations first thing in the morning… but then, things took a bit of a turn. And I’m afraid this isn’t really a trip down memory lane. More often than not, while I would make a point of kissingContinue reading “The Point of Deception”

Public Cake

Dearest Rachel – Let me start out by saying that this is not a love story. And I feel like I should be apologizing for that. This whole collection of letters to you were supposed to be an outpouring of love and reminiscences about our time together and what you meant to me. And whileContinue reading “Public Cake”

Surprises

Dearest Rachel – I’ll tell you, this year thus far has been absolutely full of surprises. Which means that it’s probably a good thing you’re not around to deal with them, as you hated surprises. This was particularly evident when it came to birthdays and holidays – anything having to do with gift-giving. The longContinue reading “Surprises”

Unsettled

Dearest Rachel – It’s a challenging thing to try to navigate the ocean that is the dating pool. I chatted with a woman who seemed frustrated that the men she was meeting didn’t seem to know what they wanted out of a woman. Since I didn’t see her as a potential match (and therefore wasContinue reading “Unsettled”

Not In Crazy

Dearest Rachel – I understand that there’s an old saying about relationships: “Don’t stick your [neck] into crazy.” I’m pretty sure I’m off by a couple of letters there, but I think you get the idea. I bring this up to update you on the story of the, ah… woman? bot? that I spoke ofContinue reading “Not In Crazy”

Sending Smiles

Dearest Rachel – Well, it’s been done. I’ve created a profile, with Jan’s input and assistance, and it’s out there online for people to see. I don’t know how accurate it is, or whether I’ve shown too much or too little of my hand, but well… that’s how it is. What’s also ‘how it is’Continue reading “Sending Smiles”

No Such Thing as Forever

Dearest Rachel – Today is the first time all week I’m walking. And to tell the truth, I feel a little guilty about having delayed it this long. Not that I’m particularly concerned about how much exercise I get (although I’m quite sure I should be), but that I might be disappointing someone. You see,Continue reading “No Such Thing as Forever”

Wondering if the Chains Will Hold

Dearest Rachel – When I was a little kid, I really wasn’t much for roller coasters. The idea of being spun around and inverted at those dizzying speeds, suspended at heights that, were I to fall from, would undoubtedly kill me (and that was merely the drop itself; never mind the metal mechanisms and trackContinue reading “Wondering if the Chains Will Hold”

Seeing Other People

Dearest Rachel – It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it now, seeing as to how for so many years the two of us would appear in public practically joined at the hip. But in those early days of our relationship, we had, shall we say, “spaces in our togetherness.” In a way,Continue reading “Seeing Other People”

Worshiping Golden Calves

Dearest Rachel – There’s a bit of Sunday school jokelore, wherein a young boy is asked about his favorite story from the Bible. “I like the part where Moses breaks all the Ten Commandments!” is the enthusiastic response. Well, he’s not exactly wrong. File this under r/technicallythetruth. Yes, honey, this is the sermon this weekend,Continue reading “Worshiping Golden Calves”

Losing Track

Dearest Rachel – It was probably a bad call on my part, but I decided not to walk to the ‘office’ this morning. Well, there was a reason behind it: I had assumed I’d be walking this evening with Erin at Melas Park. But you know that old saying about what happens when you assumeContinue reading “Losing Track”

The Liberation of Surrender

Dearest Rachel – So just last night, I was observing how difficult it was for me to follow my own advice, and simply (and completely) give up on the possibility of finding another life partner like yourself. This morning, on the other hand, I find myself considering just how much better off I am, nowContinue reading “The Liberation of Surrender”

Trying to Take My Own Advice

Dearest Rachel – I’m sure by now that you’ve noticed a lot of my letters to you seem a little bit disjointed and disorganized. They do tend to bounce around from thought to thought within the alleged confines of the topic I’ve decided to cover in the letter (and even then sometimes it’s hard toContinue reading “Trying to Take My Own Advice”

To What Purpose?

Dearest Rachel – It has been a while since I last identified myself as such, and probably even longer since someone else has, but the other day, I was told that I was “task-oriented.” Now, that’s not news to me; in my many struggles with my boss back in the day, I often brought upContinue reading “To What Purpose?”