Losing Track

Dearest Rachel –

It was probably a bad call on my part, but I decided not to walk to the ‘office’ this morning. Well, there was a reason behind it: I had assumed I’d be walking this evening with Erin at Melas Park. But you know that old saying about what happens when you assume things. Though admittedly, I’m the only one who looks like an ass.

I’d been so wrapped up with this past weekend in Iowa – along with all the writing I’ve been doing to you throughout – that I simply forgot where my other friends would be this week. When I texted her upon arriving home, she responded by reminding me that she was up in Door County, visiting her parents.

I’m still having problems keeping track of other people and their schedules; this is the sort of thing that I left to you. You were the social secretary of the family, and with you going, well… I lose track.

I’m pretty sure she was joking when she suggested I would be welcome to join all three of them in a walk. While an impulsive act like that is the stuff of romcoms, I do wonder how she would react had I actually hopped into my car in order to meet them up there. Considering the fact that she has made it abundantly clear that she neither is nor wishes to be “Megumi,” I think she would’ve reacted… poorly. And for good reason – those sorts of things that make for a good romantic comedy turn the hero into a stalker when the template is placed upon real life.

Still, I do wish I had not lost track of where she was going to be; if nothing else, I could’ve forgone my morning shower and proceeded to hike across town this morning instead. I would’ve had to leave the ‘office’ earlier than I did this afternoon, but I could’ve managed that just fine. After all, my boss is a pushover, as you well know.

For all the walking I did at the convention center, it really wasn’t much compared to the length and breath of our village. That, and the fact that I really was enjoying myself there – certain moments writing you notwithstanding – and thus felt more comfortable actually eating. You’ve known from past experience how well the stress and misery diet works for me; conversely, when things are going well, I’m more than happy (in all senses of the term) to consume three square meals whether or not I really need them.

At the same time, I do prefer the walks she and I take together. Granted, I’m not helping her train in the slightest anymore; she needs to cover more ground and faster as the days get closer to the marathon. But there are days when she can take it a little easier, and Tuesdays seem to be one of them. I enjoyed discussing this and that with her; catching her up on certain pop culture references (not to mention the occasional classical expression), learning about her own life experiences and how they’ve colored her outlook on life, and the occasional debate on one topic or another.

She and I do not always agree on things as we walk along the track together, but then again, neither did you and I. You and I never did achieve that ‘one mind’ state that some older married couples manage; I’m not sure how much time we would’ve needed to get to that point. There were, after all, some places where I think I determined not to go – and I expect that went both ways – and I’m only finding out about certain of your secrets post mortem. Meanwhile, my secrets will remain just that.

When the courier says, "The relics hold whole libraries of ...

And yet, I always thought of myself as something of an open book. Then again, that may just come from thinking that everybody perceives the world the same way I do. The fact of the matter is, that’s nowhere near the case, and how I see things they will be vastly different from how the average person does, or even yourself. So maybe I’m more of an enigma than I think I am.

On the other hand, I’m putting all this stuff down on digital paper, so… maybe I should stick with my original self-assessment.

Anyway, I’m sorry to have lost some time on the track with her this week, although that would have happened – or rather, not happened – regardless of whether I remembered today or not. There will be other weeks, of course. And I should’ve done more walking on my own. It’s my own fault for having lost track of where she was going to be. There’s nothing to be done for it today. Just… got to keep moving forward, and see where this road takes me.

As always, honey, wish me luck.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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