I don’t know how to start this one off, Honey. To be honest, I’m afraid this letter isn’t really for you this time. I was talking to my Dad this morning, and he mentioned that my last post had some… unintended consequences. Basically, it looked like I was complaining about the job being done onContinue reading “Apologia”
Author Archives: randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial
Dumpster Dive
Dearest Rachel – There are times while she’s working that Jan encourages me to get out of the house. Now, sometimes it’s just the fact that I have appointments to keep, and she’s giving me an “I got this” type of reassurance. Other times, she senses I have work to do at the ‘office,’ andContinue reading “Dumpster Dive”
Another Irish Drinking Song
Hey, Honey – Everything I’ve been writing about has been so heavy lately, I figure I need to throw in something a little lighter than most – in the spirit (ha-ha) of the holiday. So here, for the benefit of our other readers… well, they can read the title. We were introduced to DaVinci’s NotebookContinue reading “Another Irish Drinking Song”
Dreams of Missed Connections
Dearest Rachel – So, you know that I never experienced dreams the way you or Daniel have. I mean, I would have them, but they were much rarer, and not nearly as vivid as those you two would have – at least, as a rule. Maybe it’s a function of my sleep apnea, maybe it’sContinue reading “Dreams of Missed Connections”
A Place in the Sun(room)
Dearest Rachel – As Jan and I move from room to room in our cleaning efforts, we’re starting to get into places where the trash is tangled up with the treasures. Notes and nothings mingle together, and aside from the sanctum sanctorum that is our bedroom, nowhere is more complicated in this respect than theContinue reading “A Place in the Sun(room)”
So Many Little Things
Dearest Rachel – You know I began this site as a form of therapy – a way to reach out to you despite knowing full well that you would see neither a word nor a pixel of it. It made a sort of bookending sense – we started our courtship by writing letters to eachContinue reading “So Many Little Things”
from Rachel: Morning Prayer
Dearest Rachel – While going through the stuff in the laundry room outside our bedroom, I found this post-it note attached to the corner of the mirror. It was a bit out of my line of site, but you must have had it there by the sink to remind you to offer this prayer asContinue reading “from Rachel: Morning Prayer”
Forever Young
Dearest Rachel – We were supposed to grow old together, like your parents, or mine. Fifty, sixty years together. We barely made half that. You were supposed to become the wise advisor to the young women of our church family. You were the one who knew how to keep a house together, how to raiseContinue reading “Forever Young”
from Rachel: Psalm 121
“(1) I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? (2) My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. “(3) He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber. “(4) Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep. “(5) The LordContinue reading “from Rachel: Psalm 121”
Jo’s Lament
Dearest Rachel – I got up early this morning, as I usually do, even on Saturdays. Got to be dressed before Chompers wakes up and demands breakfast, after all. But while waiting for him to wake up, I root around in one batch of papers or another, sifting through what should be kept, and whatContinue reading “Jo’s Lament”
The Fate of the TIE Fighter
Dearest Rachel – This probably shouldn’t come as any great surprise, honey, but as we’ve been going through the basement, we have been finding things from so far back that we just can’t hang on to anymore. Not just because of the mice – although that’s certainly contributed to the need to dispose of theseContinue reading “The Fate of the TIE Fighter”
The Measure of ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’
Dearest Rachel – The folks had Daniel and I over for dinner last night; it’s not gotten quite to the level of a Thursday night thing, but it does sometimes seem to be more often than not. Although, after a day of clearing through the basement, I confess that I had forgotten that we hadContinue reading “The Measure of ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’”
Rodents Ruin Retention
Dearest Rachel – As Jan and I (mostly Jan – she had me going through your old school papers) continued to clear things out of the basement, Erin came up to me. Yes, she was here, on her vacation no less, doing a lot of the heavy lifting – at this rate, Jan’s likely toContinue reading “Rodents Ruin Retention”
The Delight of My Eyes
Dearest Rachel – So, as part of my usual morning reading the other day, I was working my way through Ezekiel. And while I had read the passage before a number of times, this time was different: The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, behold, I am about to take theContinue reading “The Delight of My Eyes”
Parkinson’s Law as Applied to Dogs
Dearest Rachel – One of the results of my working (slowly and carefully, to be sure – I’ve no intention of throwing out anything you’ve written on that’s less trivial than, say, a one-time shopping list) on clearing… stuff… from your your side of the bedroom, is that the amount of room that Chompers hasContinue reading “Parkinson’s Law as Applied to Dogs”
Thoughts on Therapy
Dearest Rachel – So Daniel and I met with Pastor Scott last week. He reads these letters, so he doesn’t have to ask how I’m doing anymore. This, I’d say, was more for Daniel’s sake. To be honest, I think he needs to get out, and get involved with other people. It’s not something heContinue reading “Thoughts on Therapy”
I Found the Camcorder…!
Dearest Rachel – I know you remember the digital camcorder we used to have, that we splurged on before the folks took us on that second cruise. You know the one – it was when we visited Dad’s grandfather’s home in Gamla Stan, in Stockholm. We must have used it for about a decade ofContinue reading “I Found the Camcorder…!”
Rules for Responses
Dearest Rachel – You must have noticed that I’ve probably written more in the last month and a half than I ever have in my life, and that’s counting our high school and college days when essays were still a requirement in so many classes. And not just in these letters to you; I’ve hadContinue reading “Rules for Responses”
Example
Dearest Rachel – They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. Garrison Keillor Once again, I’m sorry you couldn’t have been there. And not just for the many, many obvious reasons. Today in church, we were coveringContinue reading “Example”
Nanette’s Rule
Dearest Rachel – Last night was not one of Chompers’ better nights. You would think that, after having the girls visit during the afternoon, and being exercised outside for quite some time because of it – to say nothing of having stayed up until 11:30 for his late-night pain pill rather than the usual 10:30,Continue reading “Nanette’s Rule”
from Rachel: Prayer of Thanksgiving
“Dear Heavenly Father, “Thank You so much for all You have done and so faithfully continue to do in my life. “Thank You for my life-birth and rebirth through Your mercy and salvation. “Thank You for how you sustain Mom & Dad from day to day. “Thank You for Randy, Daniel, all the family, allContinue reading “from Rachel: Prayer of Thanksgiving”
Too Late for Christmas Music
Dearest Rachel – I am so sorry… You might recall, during the Christmas season, I had attempted to find an album from my childhood, with music I’d never to my knowledge heard anywhere else, but really thought ought to have wider exposure. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but I liked the songs, and wanted to shareContinue reading “Too Late for Christmas Music”
…pation
Dearest Rachel – Well, it’s over and done. Hopefully, I’ll not have to do that again for another ten years or so (although they did find one polyp in there, but the doctor acted as if this is a fairly regular occurrence, so I’m not going to worry about it until Monday, if even then).Continue reading “…pation”
Antici…
“Say it! Say it!” “Nope. Not gonna do it.” “…it’s for the kids.” “…ohhh, all right. But they better not laugh!” “Oh-okay. Here we go, then!” Dearest Rachel – Jan and I were busy pulling out cans and bottles from the cabinet in the utility room when the phone rang. Haven’t used the phone inContinue reading “Antici…”
House Fire
Dearest Rachel – It’s said that the amount lost in the course of three moves is equivalent to the loss of a single house fire. I wonder how what we’re doing now compares to that unit of measure. Because it seems you made an effort to deny even a house fire its due. It wasContinue reading “House Fire”
The Costs of Care
Dearest Rachel – Have I mentioned recently how mornings can be the worst? It wasn’t even the usual things, either. Chompers actually let me shower this morning before waking up and barking for… whatever. Once I got myself dried and dressed, I got him basically everything at once: hauled him outside and delivered him hisContinue reading “The Costs of Care”
For His Own Doggone Good
Dearest Rachel – I think this is Chompers’ sixth time at hydrotherapy, and each time, he likes it less and less. The whole trip there, he was sitting on your towel (yeah, I’ve been using one of your purple towels to wrap him up afterwards – I hope you don’t mind, seeing as to howContinue reading “For His Own Doggone Good”
Preservation
Dearest Rachel – Today was my third trip to Goodwill in the last seven days. All part of the deep cleaning process Jan has been putting me through. I mean, when were we going to get around to using these things, especially when we couldn’t even get to them? But we’ve made so much progress,Continue reading “Preservation”
Fortunes Lost and Found
Dearest Rachel – Mornings are the worst these days. In the stillness, as I pick my way through the house, I never know what I’ll find that will set me off. Oh, but first, you ought to know that Chompers did really well last night. Got to bed around 11, and didn’t wake up untilContinue reading “Fortunes Lost and Found”
A Ton of Memories
Dearest Rachel – I think these letters will, for a while, come more frequently, but be considerably shorter than originally intended. There’s no point in trying to put together the disjointed activity of a given day when the ups and downs are such that it would give someone whiplash. Best just to observe a singleContinue reading “A Ton of Memories”
Sleeping Like a Dog
Dearest Rachel – It seems that Daniel and I owe you an apology. Back not so long ago (and in a time we would dearly love to have back, but you’ve heard it so many times already), we would be watching YouTube in the early evenings. Perhaps one of your Let Players, or one orContinue reading “Sleeping Like a Dog”
from Rachel: On the Wisdom of Solomon
“A metaphorical thought about Solomon and his wisdom, inspired by Ecclesiastes 2:3 and 9 I searched with my heart how to cheer my body with wine—my heart still guiding me with wisdom—and how to lay hold on folly, till I might see what was good for the children of man to do under heaven duringContinue reading “from Rachel: On the Wisdom of Solomon”
Funny Papers
Dearest Rachel – As a fellow collector of comic books and authors, I understood what you were doing. Since we didn’t get the newspaper anymore (more on that later), you would, every time you went to visit your parents – and later, every time we would visit Twofeathers at your parents’ home – you wouldContinue reading “Funny Papers”
Kitchen Nightmare
Dearest Rachel – There’s a part of me that tells me I should be proud of the work that’s been done, and how well I have held up during the process. The folks say I’m doing the right thing. Jan and Scott have expressed their approval as to how well I’ve held up as weContinue reading “Kitchen Nightmare”
Gar(b)age Day
Dearest Rachel – I’m afraid this has been another one of those days in which you would not approve of what I’ve been doing. But honey, it had to be done. Jan was over again, along with her husband Scott. She promised not to charge double for the extra manpower – and indeed, Scott textedContinue reading “Gar(b)age Day”
Cancellations
Dearest Rachel – I really wish it would stop hurting every morning. Even on days like today when Chompers doesn’t wake me up, the empty silence in the bedroom is… deafening. I try to keep myself busy in order to drown out the silence, but these days, everything that has to be done has somethingContinue reading “Cancellations”
No Longer Much for Mornings
Dearest Rachel – You remember well that I was, for all intents and purposes, a morning person. Not so much out of choice as necessity; when you have to be at work at a certain time, staying up until 3 in the morning like you and Daniel used to do was just out of theContinue reading “No Longer Much for Mornings”
The Twenty-Third
Dearest Rachel – So this is it. The twenty-third of February. It’s been exactly one month since the accident. One month since you left us. I wonder how long it will be before I stop thinking in terms of the passage of time. How many Saturdays will pass before I stop thinking, “well, it’s beenContinue reading “The Twenty-Third”
Kevin and the Prize
Dearest Rachel – I haven’t written to you about Sparks since you left, and I suppose I ought to fill you in. Although, we’ve only met the one other time before tonight, so there hasn’t been much to fill you in about. In fact, the first Monday after the accident had been canceled – notContinue reading “Kevin and the Prize”
Preparing for the Purge
Dearest Rachel – I was going to start this week off by dealing with the fact that I have a number of thank you notes to write for those that came to your funeral, and those that gave to Camp Awana, and so forth. I was going to compare it to what happened to usContinue reading “Preparing for the Purge”
The Slightest Trace of Normal
Dearest Rachel – You know, of course, that there is no such thing as ‘normal’ anymore, if there really ever was. ‘Normal,’ to us, are the days of the three of us, going about our ways, serene in the unfounded knowledge that life was good and every day would be pleasant together, much like theContinue reading “The Slightest Trace of Normal”
“Sister Repellant”
Dearest Rachel – You can tell from the title what this is about, can’t you? Yep, I’d cleared a spot on the stove for ourselves, and I decided to cook last night. Black bean soup, one of our old favorites. Always welcome during the cold winter months. Wonder why I haven’t made it earlier… InContinue reading ““Sister Repellant””
Trash and Trepidation
Dearest Rachel – Please forgive me for what I am about to do. Earlier this week, Scott Olson visited my folks while I was downstairs in my ‘office.’ This isn’t at all unusual. Ever since his illness two years ago, as you know, Dad has not been much out of the house. He’ll run errandsContinue reading “Trash and Trepidation”
Doggie Dreams
Dearest Rachel – I wonder if, while you’re greeting old friends and family you haven’t seen in years – to say nothing of the many dogs you grew up with and grew up with you – how much opportunity you have to look in on those of us you have left behind. Especially since ChompersContinue reading “Doggie Dreams”
The Wisdom of Old Fezziwig
Dearest Rachel – I confess, I wasn’t paying attention to everything that was going on surrounding your funeral. It was all either Daniel or I could do to simply hold ourselves together as everything seemed to be falling apart with having lost you. But Dad noticed, as the staff at church kept people in theContinue reading “The Wisdom of Old Fezziwig”
Fishwrap
Dearest Rachel – On Sunday, Junior spoke about conflict among believers, and how that should be sorted out internally before making a spectacle of ourselves before the rest of the world. I miss being able to turn to you and smile, having put that (for the most part) behind us? Do you remember our fight,Continue reading “Fishwrap”
The Cruelty of the Cold
Dearest Rachel – It seems ever since you left, the days have conspired to outdo each other in cold brutality. Even the day of the accident was forecast to be the coldest of the season to date: we were all bundled in jackets and parkas more heavily than we had been in years. Not thatContinue reading “The Cruelty of the Cold”
The Heart-Shaped Elephant
Dearest Rachel – So. It’s Sunday. And… it’s Valentine’s Day. I’ve heard about how difficult it is for spouses left behind on the holidays, like our anniversary, or Christmas. And I suppose those days will be painful, when they get here. But I don’t recall much about the impact of Valentine’s Day on widowed spouses. Continue reading “The Heart-Shaped Elephant”
Three Weeks Since
Dearest Rachel – I dare say that Saturdays will be the most difficult day of the week for a very long time to come, and it will be a long time before I will be able to appreciate weekends. Not only was Saturday morning our time together – which can never be enjoyed again onContinue reading “Three Weeks Since”
Honey
Dearest Rachel – In an effort to avoid working on my impressions of the worst day of my life, I’m going to tell a story. You, of course, already know this story, but it needs to be told nonetheless. It’s the story of how you came to see me as more than an arrogant jerk,Continue reading “Honey”
Daniel and the Dream
Dearest Rachel – It seems that, between various responsibilities, whether the camp or church or the dog, I’ve forgotten that I’m not the only one suffering your loss. Daniel has been dealing with it in his own way, but I’ve neglected to take into account his need for comfort and reassurance throughout these past coupleContinue reading “Daniel and the Dream”
Ten Dollar Bills
Dearest Rachel – Sometimes, it amazes me as to what can set me off with regard to memories of you. I just got a ten dollar bill in change from the grocery store this morning, and while I didn’t actually absent-mindedly think “oh, another one I can give to Rachel for tips – oh, wait…”Continue reading “Ten Dollar Bills”
Half Mast
Dearest Rachel – Well, I finally did it. I finally got the rabies certification from the veterinarian’s – along with a couple more medications for Chompers’ urinary tract infection. Yeah, it’s happened again. I still don’t know how you juggled all this – or are his health issues actually accelerating, like it sometimes seems? Anyway,Continue reading “Half Mast”
Bathtubs
Dearest Rachel – Got a late start on the day today. After getting Chompers fed and outside for a bit, I went to set him in the family room, where he’s clearly more comfortable staying. Ordinarily, I’d be expecting Daniel to be sleeping on the couch, as he has been ever since he realized theContinue reading “Bathtubs”
The Big Game and the Little Games
Dearest Rachel – I’ve been asked by a few people which team I’m rooting for today. It seems I’d completely forgotten that this was Super Bowl (can I say that, or will the NFL give me a copyright strike for that?) Sunday. Look, I’ve had a lot on my mind, and none of it toContinue reading “The Big Game and the Little Games”
Nothing Compares To You
Dearest Rachel – I’ll have to dredge up the mix tapes we sent each other to confirm it (yes, you know I kept copies of each one since those days), but I’m pretty sure this song was on one of the ones I sent you. And yes, I’m spelling out “To You” rather than usingContinue reading “Nothing Compares To You”
Vet’s Day
Dearest Rachel – I’d like to think I’m starting to get the hang of dealing with Chompers (I’m probably wrong, though). As problematic as last night was, at least I got a fair amount of rest on both sides of that two-hour, fourteen-checkup nightmare. So basically, I’m adopting a rule of “sleep when he sleeps,”Continue reading “Vet’s Day”
Launch Day
Dearest Rachel – I’m starting to get the hang of dealing with Chompers, I think: get your rest when he does, or you won’t get much rest at all at night. I dozed off between 9 and 9:30, and after waking just before midnight, taking him out to pee, and settling him down in theContinue reading “Launch Day”
Pictures of You
So deep and wide / So clear and bright I paint your love / With truth and light I’ll take my time / I’ll get it right I’ve got forever / To paint my picture of you Terry Scott Taylor, “Picture of You” from Knowledge and Innocence, 1986 Dearest Rachel – The song may sayContinue reading “Pictures of You”
Snow Angels
Dearest Rachel – It’s such a cliché when people come up to you in the receiving line at the visitation, and tell you, “If there’s anything you need…” “If there’s anything I can do for you…” Look, I’m not saying these sentiments aren’t genuine. But you wonder, do people really mean it when they sayContinue reading “Snow Angels”
He’s Your Dog, All Right
Honey – When I set out to write to you as a form of therapy, I expected to write, and for people to read, about the feelings I was dealing with, of the memories of the two of us (or the three of us – let’s not forget Daniel, and the fact that we didContinue reading “He’s Your Dog, All Right”
The Longest Mo(u)rning
Hey, Honey – Well, this is it. The first thing I asked Daniel this morning was, “Well, are you ready for the longest morning of your life?” “No.” “…yeah, me neither.” Neither of us got much sleep last night, honey. Even without Chompers around – Kerstin offered to take care of him for the night,Continue reading “The Longest Mo(u)rning”
As I Stood at the Top of the Hill
My dearest, darling Rachel, my heart, my soul – This was not supposed to happen. You and Daniel were supposed to take one more slide down the tubing run, and then, exhausted from the climb up, we would say our goodbyes to Camp Awana for the day, and we would drive home. Maybe we’d pickContinue reading “As I Stood at the Top of the Hill”
Letters to Rachel 