Yes I Will

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will

“Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship

Dearest Rachel –

You and Daniel used to sing this song with such enthusiasm in church. He still does, practically dancing to it. It’s part of why we have to sit over on the edge of the auditorium – not that people disapprove of his enthusiasm (like they used to a dozen or so years ago); indeed, I still hear people telling me how inspired they are by his joyous worship, and the praise team finds so much encouragement in his spirit – but rather, because of his height, and his raised hands, he blocks the stage view of those behind him otherwise.

As for myself, I’ve often had a hard time singing this song. During the years when I was struggling at work, those words about the “lowest valley” and singing “when my heart is heavy” always hit too close to home…

…and now that you’re gone, I know just how deep that valley is, and how heavy a heart can get.

But I still do my best to sing, honey. I have to. Because if I can’t sing praise to God at this moment in my life, then I have – and will have – no right to do so at any other point.

That’s why the chorus focuses on those low points. It’s easy to praise God when things are going well. It’s when everything seems to be, well, going to hell, that it truly matters that we keep praising Him.

So there I was this morning, mask off (because it was getting damp as I was crying into it) and barely mouthing the words “I choose to praise…”

Because it is a choice, and a difficult one right now. But this is when it’s most important to make that choice.

I do sometimes worry that I am merely acting the way Satan accused Job of doing; that, as long as I am alive, and doing well, that my refusal to abandon my faith is still no proof of anything. Were I to have my own health and financial security taken from me, I might just fold like a cheap table (or Chompers’ back legs) and collapse.

I can’t speak for that, and honestly hope I don’t ever have to. I’d like to believe otherwise – after all, if I abandon Him them, what else is left for me? All I can do is stand as best I can right now, and pray for strength to withstand the storm that sweeps around me until is passes… and it will pass, I know – or I will, and wouldn’t that be something? I’d be with Him, and you, and it would be for ever.

But that’s for another time. He took you, and left us here, for a reason, so we’re left to do whatever it is we still need to. And there are those around us, encouraging us as we go.

And we will – I will, for I can only speak for myself (although I can see Daniel does, too) – praise You, Lord. Just grant us Your strength to do so.

And say hello to Rachel for us, will You? Thanks.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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