Dearest Rachel – It was a running joke where we went to college (and eventually, where you and I met); by dint of being located in Bloomington, Illinois, we were by definition “as close to Normal as you could get” without actually quite being there. Geographically (and thus technically) true, but we certainly had ourContinue reading “So Far From Normal”
Tag Archives: mental-health
Just Not My Scene
Dearest Rachel – You probably know what’s coming here. Back in the day I always used to believe that I wasn’t a picky eater; given a situation where it was called on to be polite, I’m able to eat anything… and yet, somehow I wind up balking when confronted with some of your mom’s cooking.Continue reading “Just Not My Scene”
Sitting On the Pain Scale
Dearest Rachel – The problem with emotions and feelings is that it’s difficult to explain what one is feeling in a way that another person would understand exactly. Oh, we might be able to give a general idea to an audience what something feels like – and usually, that’s the best we can hope forContinue reading “Sitting On the Pain Scale”
Screwing Up the Schedule
Dearest Rachel – No sooner did I hit ‘publish’ on yesterday‘s letter when two things happened to upend my day. First of all, “Riri” wrote back, right after I got through telling you all the reasons why she wouldn’t. I still promise to tell you more about that, but on top of her explanations (someContinue reading “Screwing Up the Schedule”
Keep Your Head Down, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Dearest Rachel – I don’t know why – I never do, because no one can understand dream logic once they’re awake – but last night saw me hitchhiking across Canada, of all places. It was during their football season (which ended several weeks ago in real life, so the timing of this dream is aContinue reading “Keep Your Head Down, Keep Your Mouth Shut”
Dreams of Alter Egos
Dearest Rachel – It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream worth telling you about (and had both the time to write it down before it dissipated and no real topic to discuss with you that might supersede it). The problem is, while it may have answered a long-known problem of science fiction whileContinue reading “Dreams of Alter Egos”
Still Not There Yet
Dearest Rachel – I’ve been writing to you a lot this past week about our difficulties in getting ourselves acclimated to our home time zone; it’s just under a week now, and we’re still not there yet. Compare that to our trip out, where we basically fell in line with the local time after aContinue reading “Still Not There Yet”
The Missing Third
Dearest Rachel – Another day, another evening of falling asleep on either side of the bed in our separate recliners while watching YouTube together, and another morning that essentially starts at one a.m., whether I mean for it to or not. We’re not still on Israel time, I don’t think, but we’re probably on GreenlandContinue reading “The Missing Third”
Just the Two of Us
Dearest Rachel – Ordinarily, upon waking up to darkness, assuming (as has been the case for the last couple of days since returning home) that’s it’s just an hour or two before I would normally get up of a Saturday, only to discover that it’s actually barely two in the morning, would be cause forContinue reading “Just the Two of Us”
So Many Random Little Thoughts
Dearest Rachel – Some days, I wake up in the wee hours of the morning with no desire for anything but to roll over and go back to sleep. I thought this morning was going to be the same – especially given that today is a Saturday; who wakes up early on a Saturday? ButContinue reading “So Many Random Little Thoughts”
Not Done Out Of Boredom
Dearest Rachel – While I’m specifically writing to you with these letters – complete with references to things only you would know from actual experience – I’m well aware that there are people reading this over your shoulder. It’s what happens when you put something out on the internet; someone else will stumble across itContinue reading “Not Done Out Of Boredom”
No Particular Point to the Moment
Dearest Rachel – If I’m to be honest with you – as well as myself – about this series of letters to you, that they’re as much a record of life happening in the days after your absence as anything else, I should be telling you about the events of the past evening. For someContinue reading “No Particular Point to the Moment”
An Hour or Two of Calm
Dearest Rachel – First thing in the morning, I find myself sitting up in bed, firing up the computer and starting this letter to you. Thankfully, I’m not fighting off another cold – the one Daniel and I both just dealt with (although I’m not sure if he isn’t still dealing with the symptoms; likeContinue reading “An Hour or Two of Calm”
Ill at Ease
Dearest Rachel – Monday morning, and something just doesn’t feel right. Much as I’m planning to head to the ‘office’ for what should be an ordinary day (with a side request to help the folks deal with “a credit card situation,” which probably just involves an internet communication issue), there’s this sense that I’m forgettingContinue reading “Ill at Ease”
Too Tired to be Frantic
Dearest Rachel – Early tomorrow night, I’m going to need to head off to bed by five or six, so I can wake up at three, summon myself an Uber (both Dad and Daniel offered to drive me there until I informed them both of the time I needed to be there, at which pointContinue reading “Too Tired to be Frantic”
The Right to My Day
Dearest Rachel – I don’t think that I’ll ever fully comprehend the ‘gym rat’ mentality – nor, as I’m sure you would expect, do I wish to; to do so would be to become one, and for all the desirable effects, there are more than enough adverse ones, primarily having to do with attitude, thatContinue reading “The Right to My Day”
Queasy
Dearest Rachel – I don’t know what’s been going on the last few days, honey, but every so often – at least, when I bother to think about it – there’s been this nagging sense of unease in the pit of my stomach going on. Now, it’s entirely possible that it’s simply due to anotherContinue reading “Queasy”
To Tell About Our Days
Dearest Rachel – As humans, we have a surprising amount of difficulty explaining to others how we spend our time, and what exactly we do with it. Or maybe it’s just me, which basically illustrates my point. You see, even though we know, intellectually, that it’s not so, we find it hard to imagine thatContinue reading “To Tell About Our Days”
Refreshing Inertia
Dearest Rachel – The world outside my door may be speeding by at a ridiculous pace – when I woke up for the first time a couple of hours ago, there were an insane amount of unread articles in my news feed to go through – but that doesn’t mean I have to move atContinue reading “Refreshing Inertia”
Have We Lost Our Minds (Again)? Did We Ever Have Them?
Dearest Rachel – Despite the relative tranquility of our own personal lives, we were born into a world of utter chaos. The year of my birth was a particular annus horribilis; I can – and often do – imply the date by connecting it to the assassination of Martin Luther King (I have an alibi,Continue reading “Have We Lost Our Minds (Again)? Did We Ever Have Them?”
When It All Came Together, and It All Fell Apart
Dearest Rachel – I’ve been meaning to write you on this topic for some time, although I’ve always rather hesitated about doing so. It’s always seemed both bigger than I can cover in a single post (although I don’t seem to have a problem with a couple thousand words about what happened the weekend beforeContinue reading “When It All Came Together, and It All Fell Apart”
One Final Trip (part four)
Dearest Rachel – It’s annoying to get reminders of things you need to do at the most inappropriate and inconvenient times. I spent Sunday morning in the audio-visual booth, listening to a sermon entitled ‘Roadtrip’ (about the conversation on the road to Emmaus – it was the week right after Easter, you understand), and foundContinue reading “One Final Trip (part four)”
I’d Tell You Everything
Dearest Rachel – Yesterday really had me going through my news feed rather than trying to finish a topic that I couldn’t resolve in that moment. In the process, though, I ran across a tweet – okay, a retweet of a retweet – that really made me stop and think about what I would doContinue reading “I’d Tell You Everything”
News Feed Fire Hose
Dearest Rachel – I had actually started a topic yesterday afternoon that I was going to work on for you for today, but it doesn’t seem like I’m going to arrive at any resolution to it soon enough, what with the weather being sunny today and rainy thereafter until the weekend – which means thatContinue reading “News Feed Fire Hose”
Fears for the Future
Dearest Rachel – There are some things that were a part of your personality, certain likes and dislikes, that were on the periphery of my perception, that I often forget to comment upon in these letters to you. It’s not so much an oversight on my part, since I barely was able to notice themContinue reading “Fears for the Future”
Cheat Day (and a Half)
Dearest Rachel – I’m not sure if you’d be grateful for it or wondering about the topic’s recent absence, but you might have noticed that I haven’t been telling you much about my weight loss journey for the past week or so. Much of what’s been going on has had to do with my carContinue reading “Cheat Day (and a Half)”
Defying the Pattern
Dearest Rachel – You’re probably well aware that the human mind sees patterns where none actually exist. It’s how concepts like pareidolia come into being; we see a pair of similar marks balanced atop a slightly larger mark, and instinctively imagine a face (two eyes and a mouth; there may be more, but that’s quiteContinue reading “Defying the Pattern”
When the People Are Dying
Dearest Rachel – This is definitely not one of the tunes we swapped between us when we were courting after I graduated from college, but it’s true that at least one of Tonio K’s songs was in that lineup. This one has way too much social commentary to be considered a love song, to sayContinue reading “When the People Are Dying”
Are Things Not Satisfactory?
Dearest Rachel – There’s an old joke about a child who, for the first few years of his life, appeared to be completely mute, much to the consternation of his parents. They took him to doctors and specialists, who couldn’t find anything wrong with his vocal cords or his neural connections. Eventually, they gave upContinue reading “Are Things Not Satisfactory?”
Competing With Myself
Dearest Rachel – Even though the wind isn’t whistling at its worst this morning, it’s more than sufficient to remind me that spring isn’t quite here yet. What motion the air has in this thirty degree environment is enough for me to feel like my arms are clad in steel wool; even as calm asContinue reading “Competing With Myself”
Making Myself Useful
Dearest Rachel – Freud had a word for it: “sublimation.” While it’s now mostly used in its physical, chemical sense of a solid transmuting to gas, skipping over any possible liquid state (like carbon dioxide does, for example), he used it to refer to taking one’s baser instincts and diverting them to where they couldContinue reading “Making Myself Useful”
Accustomed to the Emptiness
Dearest Rachel – To a certain extent, I think that I’m living the life I expected to when I graduated from college with no one to my name but myself. Much as some folks used to denigrate the university experience as an opportunity for certain females to obtain their “Mrs.” degree (is that still aContinue reading “Accustomed to the Emptiness”
Rid of the Taxman
Dearest Rachel – This should probably be a letter for another two months from now, but it’s at the top of my mind at the moment, so I think I’ll tell you about it today. If nothing else, I’ve been having to do more about it over the last couple of days, so while there’sContinue reading “Rid of the Taxman”
I Can Feel It In My Bones
Dearest Rachel – I think there are certain things about life that you don’t – can’t, even – figure out until you reach a certain age. When I was a kid, for instance, it absolutely puzzled me that my grandfather (and later, my father) could fall asleep in his rocker-recliner, despite it being in theContinue reading “I Can Feel It In My Bones”
The Lethargy of the Cold
Dearest Rachel – What is it about Beach Night at Sparks that causes it to always be on the coldest night of the year? To be sure, it’s usually scheduled like this in the middle of January – presumably because, like that song about needing a little Christmas, everyone needs a little of the tropicsContinue reading “The Lethargy of the Cold”
Scorch Marks and Smoke Wisps
Dearest Rachel – Toni asked me the other day, upon realizing that the anniversary of your accident was coming up soon, if I was planning to do anything that day to honor it and you. Now, when I read that sentence after writing it, it makes it sound like she was asking if she couldContinue reading “Scorch Marks and Smoke Wisps”
Stale Breadcrumbs
Dearest Rachel – Despite the title of this letter, no, this has nothing to do with the leftovers moldering in the back of the fridge. While it’s true that we actually do have a few such things in there, both from the extended family party on Sunday as well as the main family get-together onContinue reading “Stale Breadcrumbs”
Power Dynamics
Dearest Rachel – So today had me waking up not with a dream as such (although I guess there were some images involved that illustrated my thought process, but stringing them together would be more trouble than it’s worth, for several reasons), but rather an insight of sorts. To be sure, it’s not an apple-on-the-headContinue reading “Power Dynamics”
Intermittent Sleep
Dearest Rachel – It’s December, so it should be permissible to speak of Christmassy things now. Despite not getting out over the Black Friday portion of the holiday weekend, I’ve gotten a reasonable amount of gift shopping under my belt – although in fairness, the real challenge, our son Daniel, I’ve not yet started on;Continue reading “Intermittent Sleep”
Shaking Up the Schedule
Dearest Rachel – They say (and no, I’ve never quite managed to figure out who “they” are, these legendary arbiters of both the status quo and nearly every form of advice to shake it up. They’re clearly a contradictory bunch; maybe I wouldn’t want to meet them, much as any larger-than-life figure would be aContinue reading “Shaking Up the Schedule”
Not Much to Tell, No Time to Tell It
Dearest Rachel – It seems weird to say that today is likely to be the most routine day of the week. After all, the whole point of the weekend is that it is different from the rest of the week; a respite from the hurly-burly of workaday life. But when one’s day-to-day is no longerContinue reading “Not Much to Tell, No Time to Tell It”
Those First Few Realizations
Dearest Rachel – Good morning, and I hope you’re enjoying your forty-fifth month in the Kingdom. I admit to not always acknowledging these months anymore as they pass. Much of the time, it’s because I’m actually preoccupied with what passes for my usual life, and I don’t notice the day has come and gone untilContinue reading “Those First Few Realizations”
Stuff and Junk and Stuff
Dearest Rachel – You might remember one of those many anime gag dubs we used to collect back in the day from Midnight Madnesses past in which a character made fun of the fact that their lips kept moving after they’d essentially said what they had to (and while that has been a running jokeContinue reading “Stuff and Junk and Stuff”
For the Rest of My Life
Dearest Rachel – I can’t say that I remember when I was first prescribed it, but it had to have been within the past decade; at some point after one or another company-ordered physical, I was informed that I had to go on lisinopril for high blood pressure. Not that it seemed to matter; whenContinue reading “For the Rest of My Life”
Finding Myself Well
Dearest Rachel – Hope this letter finds you well. I also hope that you don’t mind that it’s coming to you a bit later than I usually try to get them sent to you, but the events of the morning have kept me busier than usual; plus, they strike me as being more worth tellingContinue reading “Finding Myself Well”
Give the Superego What it Wants…
Dearest Rachel – There are some mornings, honey, where I come to the conclusion that I don’t necessarily like who and what I’ve become. This morning found me lying in bed at a little after four, with that little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that “well, as long as you’reContinue reading “Give the Superego What it Wants…”
Deadman’s Switch
Dearest Rachel – Another day, another letter that I’m compelled to write to you that I can’t publish. There are so many things that I want to tell you about that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with the world at large; not yet, and likely not ever. The fact of the matter remains that, whileContinue reading “Deadman’s Switch”
To Clear My Mind
Dearest Rachel – So yesterday, I met with Pastor Scott, in part at my dad’s suggestion. It’s been a while since we used to get together for lunch – in part for fairly obvious reasons, but it’s been more than just the fact that I’ve been traveling that’s keep us from connecting. Just like withContinue reading “To Clear My Mind”
To Dream Without Sleeping
Dearest Rachel – You think I was preparing to depart on this stop; I went to bed at a quarter to nine (according to my phone, which was running an hour behind Singapore time, so technically, it was a quarter to ten), and while I think my shore excursion call is at a quarter toContinue reading “To Dream Without Sleeping”
When I Let Myself Go…
Dearest Rachel – For all that I’ve been able to enjoy myself in these ports of call (particularly here in my beloved Japan), I don’t mind telling you that I’m looking forward to this stretch of sea days. It’s not as if we’re deep in the middle of the Pacific, like we were during muchContinue reading “When I Let Myself Go…”
But Why Repeat Myself?
Dearest Rachel – Ordinarily, on a day when we’re about to land in another port, I should be putting together an essay about culture and history, sights to see and things to experience… particularly with regard to local cuisine. But I have to admit that my heart’s not in it today. Some of that isContinue reading “But Why Repeat Myself?”
A Place to Focus
Dearest Rachel – After so many days at sea from L.A. to Hawaii, from Hawaii to Polynesia, and now from Polynesia to New Zealand, I’m starting to become aware of just how much of that time I’m spending in my stateroom, rather than getting out and wandering amongst the crowds, such as they are (thisContinue reading “A Place to Focus”
Sadly Waiting For Me
Dearest Rachel – Last night found me waking up in pitch darkness; not an unusual occurrence here, as I’ve mentioned before. I do think that it’s not so much a case of “still being on Central time,” as I’ve claimed in the past. I think my routine of working out right after dinner, while conscientiousContinue reading “Sadly Waiting For Me”
Not So Easily Said
Dearest Rachel – As much as I’m not particularly fond of their attitudes, I have to give the TikTokers their due. Being able to talk straight through everything, without hesitation, without self-consciousness – I’d say it was easier said than done, but the whole point is that it’s not so easily said at all. For me toContinue reading “Not So Easily Said”
And There Will Be Joy!
Dearest Rachel – I know that it was one of our favorite films, but do you remember the last words of the King of Florin? It’s a fairly obscure line in the midst of a scene that memorable for other reasons, but let me see if I can’t refresh your memory (there’s a lot going onContinue reading “And There Will Be Joy!”
Postcard Confessions
Dearest Rachel – In the midst of some of my worst days at work, I would occasionally spend my lunch breaks cruising through a site called PostSecret. It was – and is – a combination worldwide art project, confessional and therapy session. You might recognize some of the material that has been sent anonymously toContinue reading “Postcard Confessions”
Letters to Rachel 