Secret Keeper

Dearest Rachel –

Three weeks ago, while Dad was still in the hospital before being transferred into the rehabilitation center that he’s staying at presently, he was visited by our lead pastor. Not to offer any sort of last rites or anything like that; for one thing (as you know), we don’t do that, at least, not in any formal capacity. There have been times when various members have been prayed over and even anointed with oil in similarly extreme situations, but it’s not that we believe it offers any restorative properties or that it conveys some additional blessing upon reaching the opposite shore or anything.

Quite the contrary, in fact; at this point, Dad had been transferred from intensive care (where his situation was very nearly desperate) to the pulmonary care wish, where they could focus on his recovery from his pneumonia in particular. He was already on the mend, as opposed to being at death’s door (although I should point out that the pastor did come around to see him at that time, as well), although things were still dire, including the fact that he was still expressing a preference to go Home as opposed to going home, the latter of which still seemed a remote possibility compared to the present situation. Of course, even now, he will occasionally express that same wish, which, to be fair, all of us ought to, given what we understand it to be like (and who we expect to see there); it’s just that we still tend to be a little too attached to the only “home” we’ve ever known.

And that latter situation is why, for that all he makes such wishes now and again, he’s not on his way there yet, even now. He’s still mentally sharp, and wanting to keep up with what’s going on down here still, whether it’s the Dow, the Cubs, or the goings-on at church. Which leads back to our pastor’s visit.

Now I should make it clear that this isn’t gossip or anything on that order. The things that Pastor was telling him was basically in his capacity as a church elder – one might even say, as the church eldest at this point (okay, enough of the dad jokes). These are the sorts of things that generally require everyone else to be sent out of the room for the two men to discuss in private. But for some reason, I was allowed to stick around for these particular bits of news.

I suspect that, since I do some of the financial work for the church, I have a certain level of ‘inside baseball’ level of clearance to some of this information. At the same time, there was some indication given that both items would come out fairly soon; I wasn’t required to maintain secrecy forever, just for a few weeks. And, given my ability to forget things I’ve seen, heard and experienced – not to mention the thought that, who would I tell, anyway? – I could be trusted with the information for the time being.

That’s what I’d like to believe about myself, anyway. But I have to tell you (especially now that most of both issues have been made known to the church at large), this was more difficult than I expected. The irony is, had you still been around, I might have had an easier time keeping the news to myself. The fact that I’d lost you, and so suddenly, however, meant that the first item of news got me to thinking about how I would deal with the situation as presented about his son and daughter-in-law. I might have words with his son on the situation, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call them “advice,” per se.

On the other hand, while it looks like things are going to get intense for them, it may not be as impending as all that just yet. Indeed, Nicole seems to be planning to make it down to Honduras this summer as one of the leads for the medical team as per usual. Then again, maybe treating the coming days as normally as possible, rather than making a big exhausting deal out of each and every one, is a sound coping strategy. In any event, now that the word is out, they’ve been inundated with offers to assist them in any way – and for the moment, they’ve refused them as diplomatically as possible; they need to be with each other and their girls, and too many cooks will just get in the way of all that. I can’t argue with their decision.

That was the bad news portion of what Pastor confided to Dad (and by extension, myself) that day, and the part that I had particular difficulty keeping to myself, if only because I could relate to what might be coming up. The other, better news was much more promising, but since negotiations were still ongoing, nothing could be said about them, either. But yesterday, at our church’s annual celebration (we don’t call it a business meeting, for reasons that would be obvious to anyone attending, but business is discussed there and then), the announcement was made about how we’re looking once again to expand our footprint yet again; one location through merger, and another through an outright purchase.

The thing is, that’s all that could be said in public even then. The discussions are still ongoing for both locations, and nothing has been finalized yet. The congregations – such as there are – at both of these locations may not be aware of the situation, and need to be appraised of it, and possibly in on the decision. So releasing any more details than that might yet compromise the progress being made thus far, and obviously, we don’t want to do that.

The thing is, I know where both of these locations are, and I can’t say anything about it. In fact, we’d probably switch over to attending one of the new locations – like we did when we first opened the Randhurst campus, as a means of ‘seeding’ the congregation. It was a deliberate responsibility as well as an improvement to our commute. This new possibility would do much the same, as it happens, and then some, but I have to continue to keep my mouth (and my keyboard) shut about anything more than that for now.

It occurs to me that this is part and parcel of the job that both Dad and Pastor have signed up for in their positions of leadership, though. They hear things, they are a part of things, they know things that the rest of us aren’t meant to. And they have to keep those things to themselves. In a day and age like this, where the motto seems to be “information is meant to be free,” that’s harder to maintain that it’s ever been before. Personally, I struggle with the idea that God Himself conceals stuff from us; we’re ignorant enough without Him keeping secrets from us.

But not everything needs to be widely disseminated. Some things, like the location of what might be our new campuses, might fall through if too many people find out before all the legal hoops are jumped through. Other things, like with Nicole’s illness, while they bring out the best of people wanting to help her and Junior out, need to be dealt with on a personal level; this just isn’t a burden that can be carried by a whole congregation, much as they might want to. So these things have to be kept quiet.

And it’s one of those reasons where I’m glad I don’t generally have this responsibility on my shoulders. Not because I’m a terrible gossip who can’t keep secrets; I’d have been able to keep these from even you were you around. But there are times when these issues just bring up other things in my mind, and I’d want to discuss them with you, and I just can’t. Worse yet, the only way I can reach out to you these days is like this, where others could read this over your shoulder; I don’t have to explain to you why discussing things of this nature in this forum would be a bad idea.

But for the most part, everything’s out in the open, aside from the specific locations. I can tell you about the news, and why it was so hard to not talk about it. And now that I have, I’ll ask you to keep an eye on me for the rest of the day, and wish me well, as I’m still going to need it.