His Opinion Matters

Dearest Rachel –

I don’t remember who told me this, specifically, but in the immediate aftermath of your departure, I was advised not to make any major rash decisions in my life. No major purchases, no attempts at pursuing ‘Megumi’ (who hadn’t been given that name at that point, let alone had her criteria fleshed out – which was part of the point of this advice), nothing of a caliber that could be considered life-changing; there had been enough of such events in the moment you had to leave already, and to add more would throw me that much more off-balance when I desperately needed to regain my equilibrium.

Granted, there were decisions that needed to be made in that immediate aftermath that only I could make – the disposition of your remains (for which I’m grateful we had discussions, however offhand, about such stuff while we dealt with your parents’ decline and departures) and the administration of your estate (although, as with your attempts toward levity regarding your parents, the fact that the family we had created was small kept any disputation over that to a bare minimum) – but it’s possible that those who suggested I lay low and process what I was going through before attempting to move forward were trying to preclude some of the stereotypical ‘mid-life crisis’ actions that might otherwise have been taken in the wake of the moment. If nothing else, decisions made while in the throes of grief and concupiscence would likely have been very much of the “act in haste, repent in leisure” variety, when they could no longer be undone.

There was no time limit set on this moratorium – and if it had been, say, a year, you could go through these very letters and argue I disregarded this advice to an extent. But I’d like to think that in most of these steps, I wasn’t acting entirely on my own. Some of the things I did were a continuation of those activity we had hoped and planned on doing once circumstances (such as the lifting of the lockdowns and Chompers’ own departure) permitted; others were dreams that we already had if only we could clean our the house (and with you no longer here to cling to this or that thing, I could, however mournfully). Others were at the suggestion, and with the assistance, of those I brought in to help me pick up the pieces of the life and world you left behind.

The point is, much of what I’ve done so far to cope with your absence, and fill the space you left behind, has been with the advice and encouragement (and sometimes, even the occasional prodding) of others – including the very pause at the outset of this new, unsolicited phase of my life. I’ve tried not to act entirely on my own in making any significant moves (which honestly might have put K off of me, for example, as I made no secret of the fact that I’d gotten date suggestions from my father when I was making arrangements with and for her). It’s slowed me down, perhaps, but it’s also likely kept me out of significant trouble – and be fair, it hasn’t really prevented me from having some significant adventures; it’s just that most of them have been on my own.

However, there’s been one person whose advice and input I’ve rarely consulted – although in fairness, it’s rarely been offered, when you come down to it – despite the fact that he’s closest to the ground, when it comes down to it. After all, when I lost you as a wife, he lost you as a mother – and we both lost a dear friend. Moreover, as another person has pointed out, the position you filled in his life isn’t one that can be replaced, even as I could theoretically find a ‘Megumi’ to take over the wifely role. So in my search, his opinion ought to matter.

The trouble is, any wisdom he might offer is suspect, at best. Most of it comes from his upbringing – that is, from either you or me. To rely on that wisdom would be akin to “leaning on my own understanding,” which the Proverbs warn against. The other place he might gain ‘wisdom’ from would be the ‘prophets’ and pundits he listens to. And while they have their moments where they have gotten a guess or two right, anyone who claims to speak for God Himself (as some of them do) has to be right one hundred percent of the time, and thus far, that’s not been the case. I used to call him out about this, but it turns out that it took Logan’s presence to teach him to keep silent about what these folks have to say about both the present and the future. He’ll talk about them with me when he thinks I’m willing to listen, but I’m not about to take their advice through him on anything.

However, while he may not be able to offer wisdom, there are his feelings I need to take into account as I move forward. He’d actually been burned more often – or at least, more recently – in relationships than I had at the time you left, and while I’ve had more than my share of crash-and-burns since, that has more to do with him taking himself off the market upon graduating from college (much like I expected I was going to have to do, back in the day) than anything else. So he’s had some experience that factors into his opinions. He even proved prescient when I asked him about one girl in particular; he said, straight up “Dad, you’re wasting your time with her,” and as much as I hate to admit it (mostly because I really wanted it to work out between us, and not because I wanted him to be wrong), he was right. Granted, sometimes his feelings about all this can get a little extreme – he’s amplified my concerns about “Lee,” for instance, but when I probed further, his antipathy wasn’t directed at her, as such, as the idea that I was dating at all. That’s going too far, in my mind; while I’ve concluded that I could survive without finding ‘Megumi’ if I have to, I’m not going to stop looking entirely just because he wants me to not date. That’s not fair.

Besides, his opinions aren’t limited to my dating life (which is good, because that’s been a vanishingly small part of my life these days). While he’s not my lead cheerleader with regard to my health – that position would be taken by Lars, due as much to his professional perspective that’s unique to him – he has been a great encouragement in my efforts. Granted, it has more to do with my bucking the ‘body positivity’ trend that was making the rounds over the last couple of years, which I wasn’t even taking into consideration. The fact it, it was just coming from an understanding that no woman would give me a second glance if I remained in the same shape I was when you left – other than yourself, because I was “yours.” Still, regardless of what he perceives to be my motives, it’s good to have him in my corner; it’s better than him being apathetic toward it.

So, while Daniel isn’t someone I go to for advice or wisdom, I appreciate what he has to say, and I need to bear in mind that, for any decisions I make (especially as we share a home and roof), his opinion matters, and I should at least hear it out.

Toward that end, honey, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep an eye on the both of us, and wish us luck going forward. We’re still going to need it.