Can’t Give It Up

Dearest Rachel –

Which would you rather do, honey; something you hated for an hour or two, or give up something you loved for a day or more?  More to the point, if you had to do both in order to accomplish a certain goal, which do you think you would have the most difficulty with? 

It’s what I have to deal with every day these days, as I continue to work on losing weight (to what end, I’m no longer sure, but as sunk costs are concerned, I’ve been reliably informed that there’s more to it than attracting ‘Megumi’ – assuming she exists. At this point, I certainly hope so). Lars keeps telling me that, now that I’ve gotten into the exercise habit, I need to really start focusing on what and how much I eat, because that’s supposed to be the real key to the process.

Unfortunately, as exemplified by the decision I mentioned at the start of this letter, it’s considerably more difficult – in certain respects – than the former. With exercise, while it’s unquestionably challenging to get up early in the morning and walk four and a half miles uphill (hey, at least I get a taste of how our ancestors got to school and back!), after going through that, it’s over with, and I can take it easy for the rest of the day. I even get the daily dopamine hit of seeing the numbers on the scale drop between the ‘before’ and ‘after’ snapshots on either side of the trip (and, while not quite at the level I momentarily reached a little more than a month ago, I’m within shouting distance of that level without having fasted for forty hours or pushing myself inordinately hard immediately thereafter; if I keep going at this rate, I should actually be there, and possibly beyond, before the end of the week).

But skipping meals, and avoiding SO many things that I used to enjoy, is orders of magnitude harder to do. To be sure, looking at certain items on various restaurant menus and potential grocery store purchases for their calorie counts does make me realize that I don’t like certain items enough to commit myself to them. It’s like telling myself I “can’t afford” something, but referencing a different form of currency rather than dollars and cents; some things just aren’t worth the price I’d pay for them. At the same time, however, there are some things that I enjoy so much that I’d just as soon not know what their calorie count is; I want them, and I don’t want to care about that. Especially after having put myself through another workout, and seen the results on my scale; I tend to feel like I’m deserving of some form of reward for what I’ve just done, and the results it’s produced, even if it’s just water weight lost through sweat.

And let’s not even start on what we used to refer to as “mouth hunger,” where we would find ourselves eating, not out of some actual sense of being hungry, but just from being bored enough that we’d want to snack on some empty calories now and again. The Japanese have a brilliant word for this: kuchisabishii (口寂しい), or “lonely mouth.” It conveys very much the same concept, but in a much more poetic way. Although, the fact that they have such a word suggests that they suffer from it more than most people, and from looking at your average Japanese, that doesn’t really seem to be the case. Then again, maybe they suffer from it, and don’t try to fulfill the mouth’s desires as often as we do here in, say, America, thereby prolonging the suffering that much more.

In any event, I still get bored and deal with cravings, and while I can’t afford it in terms of calorie count (and considering that my weight has been trending downward, even that’s debatable), there’s not so much else preventing me from getting my hands on whatever I might want. Life here, as you know, grants access to so much within a reasonable distance, and while I’m always going to be cautious with funds, the truth is that I don’t necessarily have to be. If I want to eat something, I can; only my conscience need stop me.

Ah, my conscience; there’s the rub. Always getting in the way, and reminding me of what I’m trying to accomplish in terms of losing weight. Thanks to it, whatever I might get my hands on won’t be quite as enjoyable, as it tries to calculate how much it adds to my count for the day, and what that might result in on my frame. It thinks about what goes into each bite, it terms of what is or isn’t healthy, and reminds me as I consume it. Yes, I can suppress it from time to time (especially when my mouth soliloquizes about how lonely it is – not verbally, of course, as that would make me look like I’m coming down with schizophrenia), and I can enjoy my meal – or even my snack – but it inevitably lets me hear about it eventually, especially when I step on the scale first thing in the morning, and it’s more than it was the last time I checked (which is usually because that “last time” was right after an exercise session, and before any meals that previous day). It’s at that point where my mind usually throws it a sop by telling it that I’ll just work it off again by hitting the gym, and it subsides, but not before reminding me that I’m supposed to be developing healthier eating habits.

The thing is, I have developed some of those habits already. I try to eat less in the way of carbs, and what I do eat is before it gets dark on any given day; food is best digested and processed by way of activity, and what better way to ensure that happens than by staying up and staying active – even if only mentally – for several hours after eating? I also eat more fruits (not so much vegetables, as they require more in terms of preparation; those I get at various restaurants. Sometimes, I’ve been getting vegetables in lieu of rice at this or that Asian place we go to, for instance) and the like… although I just realized that I forgot to have any this morning, when I just purchased some yesterday afternoon. Oh, well.

But I can’t bring myself to cut things like candy and cracker snacks out of my life entirely. I just can’t. I may have brought them to a more moderate level, but I know I’d be better off eliminating them entirely. But it’s just too much to ask; I’d just as soon do a few more miles than have to eliminate them from my diet. Life it meant to be enjoyed, honey – and with you gone, I’ve lost a major joy from mine. Why should I want to get rid of another such joy, and make life that much less so? Give me the hour, and someone else can have the day… after day… after day.

Still, I need to maintain a certain amount of discipline, I suppose, and with that being said, keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m definitely going to need it.