Dearest Rachel – I’ve never been much for making friends, especially once we got married. After all, I thought, I had you, my best friend in the whole world. What more could I possibly need or want? Now, you had your friends, both old ones that came up to the area at around the sameContinue reading “At the End of the Day”
Tag Archives: memory
Preserved Recordings
Dearest Rachel – It’s really quite strange, some of the documentation you left behind. Now, I understand that you weren’t the kind to throw out anything, but it has surprised me as to what papers you kept closest to you, the stuff you (apparently) considered to be important. Such as voicemail messages. Occasionally, you wouldContinue reading “Preserved Recordings”
Happy. ________. Birthday.
Dearest Rachel – You of all people know I never liked birthdays as an adult. When you’re a kid, the day revolves around you. The day is supposed to go perfectly, and you’re supposed to get everything you want for your birthday. All your friends show up, and together you celebrate with them the takingContinue reading “Happy. ________. Birthday.”
Faded Glow
Dearest Rachel – Some nights, getting Chompers to bed isn’t so difficult. Give him his pill, take him out, he pees, bring him in, set him down, give him his bedtime treats, and let him position himself (I am starting to learn that, regardless of what he’s truly capable of, he’d prefer to at leastContinue reading “Faded Glow”
Ceding Territory
Dearest Rachel – Given the limited amount of human contact he engages in these days, I know full well I have no right to object to the days when his friend Logan comes over. The thing is, Logan himself has said – even since the accident – how “welcoming” our home is, and I certainlyContinue reading “Ceding Territory”
Hūsker Dū?
Dearest Rachel – For all the games you collected during your childhood, and all those we added throughout our married life… …we never owned this one: Actually, I vaguely recall my grandmother and grandfather having a copy of this game – which amounted to a glorified version of Concentration, when all was said and doneContinue reading “Hūsker Dū?”
I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life
Dearest Rachel – It’s been two months, now. I wonder how many months it will be, or if it will ever happen, when I can see the 23th of the month as something other than “X months since the accident.” I also wonder if Jan has arranged her schedule to make sure I’m busy onContinue reading “I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life”
What is “All Right” Anymore?
Dear Rachel – I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it to you before in these letters, but mornings are just awful sometimes. Even when everything goes right. Chompers slept through the night – even letting me take a shower without waking up and whining, or worse, barking – and got everything out of his systemContinue reading “What is “All Right” Anymore?”
My Darling Raven
Dearest Rachel – I will never stop saying it, because it will never not be true: it’s the little things that you miss the most, now that you’re gone. This morning, I’m working in the booth at church. Not for the first time since you left, but every time has its little differences. This time,Continue reading “My Darling Raven”
Dreams of Missed Connections
Dearest Rachel – So, you know that I never experienced dreams the way you or Daniel have. I mean, I would have them, but they were much rarer, and not nearly as vivid as those you two would have – at least, as a rule. Maybe it’s a function of my sleep apnea, maybe it’sContinue reading “Dreams of Missed Connections”
So Many Little Things
Dearest Rachel – You know I began this site as a form of therapy – a way to reach out to you despite knowing full well that you would see neither a word nor a pixel of it. It made a sort of bookending sense – we started our courtship by writing letters to eachContinue reading “So Many Little Things”
Forever Young
Dearest Rachel – We were supposed to grow old together, like your parents, or mine. Fifty, sixty years together. We barely made half that. You were supposed to become the wise advisor to the young women of our church family. You were the one who knew how to keep a house together, how to raiseContinue reading “Forever Young”
Rodents Ruin Retention
Dearest Rachel – As Jan and I (mostly Jan – she had me going through your old school papers) continued to clear things out of the basement, Erin came up to me. Yes, she was here, on her vacation no less, doing a lot of the heavy lifting – at this rate, Jan’s likely toContinue reading “Rodents Ruin Retention”
Thoughts on Therapy
Dearest Rachel – So Daniel and I met with Pastor Scott last week. He reads these letters, so he doesn’t have to ask how I’m doing anymore. This, I’d say, was more for Daniel’s sake. To be honest, I think he needs to get out, and get involved with other people. It’s not something heContinue reading “Thoughts on Therapy”
Too Late for Christmas Music
Dearest Rachel – I am so sorry… You might recall, during the Christmas season, I had attempted to find an album from my childhood, with music I’d never to my knowledge heard anywhere else, but really thought ought to have wider exposure. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but I liked the songs, and wanted to shareContinue reading “Too Late for Christmas Music”
Antici…
“Say it! Say it!” “Nope. Not gonna do it.” “…it’s for the kids.” “…ohhh, all right. But they better not laugh!” “Oh-okay. Here we go, then!” Dearest Rachel – Jan and I were busy pulling out cans and bottles from the cabinet in the utility room when the phone rang. Haven’t used the phone inContinue reading “Antici…”
Preservation
Dearest Rachel – Today was my third trip to Goodwill in the last seven days. All part of the deep cleaning process Jan has been putting me through. I mean, when were we going to get around to using these things, especially when we couldn’t even get to them? But we’ve made so much progress,Continue reading “Preservation”
Fortunes Lost and Found
Dearest Rachel – Mornings are the worst these days. In the stillness, as I pick my way through the house, I never know what I’ll find that will set me off. Oh, but first, you ought to know that Chompers did really well last night. Got to bed around 11, and didn’t wake up untilContinue reading “Fortunes Lost and Found”
A Ton of Memories
Dearest Rachel – I think these letters will, for a while, come more frequently, but be considerably shorter than originally intended. There’s no point in trying to put together the disjointed activity of a given day when the ups and downs are such that it would give someone whiplash. Best just to observe a singleContinue reading “A Ton of Memories”
Funny Papers
Dearest Rachel – As a fellow collector of comic books and authors, I understood what you were doing. Since we didn’t get the newspaper anymore (more on that later), you would, every time you went to visit your parents – and later, every time we would visit Twofeathers at your parents’ home – you wouldContinue reading “Funny Papers”
Kitchen Nightmare
Dearest Rachel – There’s a part of me that tells me I should be proud of the work that’s been done, and how well I have held up during the process. The folks say I’m doing the right thing. Jan and Scott have expressed their approval as to how well I’ve held up as weContinue reading “Kitchen Nightmare”
Honey
Dearest Rachel – In an effort to avoid working on my impressions of the worst day of my life, I’m going to tell a story. You, of course, already know this story, but it needs to be told nonetheless. It’s the story of how you came to see me as more than an arrogant jerk,Continue reading “Honey”
Daniel and the Dream
Dearest Rachel – It seems that, between various responsibilities, whether the camp or church or the dog, I’ve forgotten that I’m not the only one suffering your loss. Daniel has been dealing with it in his own way, but I’ve neglected to take into account his need for comfort and reassurance throughout these past coupleContinue reading “Daniel and the Dream”
Ten Dollar Bills
Dearest Rachel – Sometimes, it amazes me as to what can set me off with regard to memories of you. I just got a ten dollar bill in change from the grocery store this morning, and while I didn’t actually absent-mindedly think “oh, another one I can give to Rachel for tips – oh, wait…”Continue reading “Ten Dollar Bills”
Half Mast
Dearest Rachel – Well, I finally did it. I finally got the rabies certification from the veterinarian’s – along with a couple more medications for Chompers’ urinary tract infection. Yeah, it’s happened again. I still don’t know how you juggled all this – or are his health issues actually accelerating, like it sometimes seems? Anyway,Continue reading “Half Mast”
Bathtubs
Dearest Rachel – Got a late start on the day today. After getting Chompers fed and outside for a bit, I went to set him in the family room, where he’s clearly more comfortable staying. Ordinarily, I’d be expecting Daniel to be sleeping on the couch, as he has been ever since he realized theContinue reading “Bathtubs”
The Big Game and the Little Games
Dearest Rachel – I’ve been asked by a few people which team I’m rooting for today. It seems I’d completely forgotten that this was Super Bowl (can I say that, or will the NFL give me a copyright strike for that?) Sunday. Look, I’ve had a lot on my mind, and none of it toContinue reading “The Big Game and the Little Games”
Nothing Compares To You
Dearest Rachel – I’ll have to dredge up the mix tapes we sent each other to confirm it (yes, you know I kept copies of each one since those days), but I’m pretty sure this song was on one of the ones I sent you. And yes, I’m spelling out “To You” rather than usingContinue reading “Nothing Compares To You”
He’s Your Dog, All Right
Honey – When I set out to write to you as a form of therapy, I expected to write, and for people to read, about the feelings I was dealing with, of the memories of the two of us (or the three of us – let’s not forget Daniel, and the fact that we didContinue reading “He’s Your Dog, All Right”
The Longest Mo(u)rning
Hey, Honey – Well, this is it. The first thing I asked Daniel this morning was, “Well, are you ready for the longest morning of your life?” “No.” “…yeah, me neither.” Neither of us got much sleep last night, honey. Even without Chompers around – Kerstin offered to take care of him for the night,Continue reading “The Longest Mo(u)rning”
As I Stood at the Top of the Hill
My dearest, darling Rachel, my heart, my soul – This was not supposed to happen. You and Daniel were supposed to take one more slide down the tubing run, and then, exhausted from the climb up, we would say our goodbyes to Camp Awana for the day, and we would drive home. Maybe we’d pickContinue reading “As I Stood at the Top of the Hill”
Letters to Rachel 