Harnessing Resolve

Dearest Rachel –

I’ve told you in the past about one failure or another when it comes to attempts at both diet and exercise; not only have are there the standard problems with motivation, there been times when one’s determination to do right falters when faced with certain obstacles life presents. My struggles with this cold could serve as an example, for instance, combined with the fact that nearly every morning for the last week has been dark with rain clouds; these factors unite to cause me to both sleep later (well, past six, anyway) and have no desire to make my way to the gym to try to work off a few pounds.

However, it so happens that certain circumstances can be taken and harnessed in the opposite direction, as well, and prevent me from overindulging, too. Naturally, if you’ll give me some time to explain, I think you’ll understand, and you might even be amused by how this managed to work, if only to a small extent.

Now I’ve told you in the past about how I’ve basically resolved to go a full 24 hours without eating during those weekends when I’m working in the booth; and thus far, that’s actually worked out fairly well. If I’m busy and preoccupied, I’m much more likely to not think too much about food then when I’m bored, even (especially?) over a prolonged period of time.

This past weekend was no exception. That busyness that comes from working rehearsals and the service, combined with the fact that I don’t have the opportunity to go out and get anything to eat (even getting over to the coffee bar – which I could occasionally use, especially when I’m not at the peak of health and energy at present – isn’t often feasible), really helps to, as the prayer goes, “deliver me from temptation.” Granted, it doesn’t always last – especially when the boys text me with their order for dinner on Saturday evening (which came as a bit of a surprise this week, since I thought Logan was to be gone for the entire weekend) – but if I can hold out while I’m picking up their order, I’m usually good until well into the next day.

The trouble, as you can guess, is that after the final service, I’m often quite ravenous, and as a result, I’m as likely as not to overcompensate for having gone so long without eating anything by overeating. It’s like pregaming for Thanksgiving, but on a near-weekly basis. To be sure, being hungry while I seem to be fighting off a mild cold (well, mild for me) could reasonably be considered to be a good sign; after all, it’s called a ‘healthy’ appetite for a reason (and those old wives’ tales talk about feeding a cold – or is it the fever you’re supposed to feed? – agree with that conclusion). But it’s a lot less praiseworthy when I step on a scale, and see the numbers I’ve been seeing – and I’ll get to that shortly.

But there comes a point when the fast must be broken, and hopefully on something other than the junk food that may or may not be loitering in the pantry. I was thinking of someplace serving basically meat, as opposed to bread and its carbohydrates – even though I generally do appreciate a good sandwich as a general rule, and would never have made it in the days before the Earl’s days, when you had to pick the meat up with your hands, and only sissies used knives and forks – and set Daniel to thinking about where we might go when I got home, as he showed up at the second service, and would have a good hour and a half to think about it. On the other hand, as you know, food isn’t much of a priority to him, so that may have been a bad call on my part.

In any event, once I got out of church at about half past noon, and rode the shuttle to church, I started wondering if he would even want to go out in this cold and damp. Granted, over the past week, he’d kept his distance from me sufficiently that he wasn’t as literally under the weather as I was, but why push it?

Moreover, while I’d once again assumed that Logan would be out with his family, the boys were in the family room, watching anime. Evidently, he would be leaving in a few hours, as Yom Kippur wouldn’t start until sundown (although looking at that photo from when I got home, you’d forgive me for wondering how they could tell when that happened). In the meantime, they were keeping themselves entertained… so much so that it had escaped Daniel’s mind to come to a decision.

Not that he hadn’t tried, exactly; he’d gone through a map, circling away from the house, trying to find places that offered what I had in mind, but nothing really grabbed him. Which is fair; the two places I can think of offhand would either be so close to church as to feel silly for retracing our steps completely, or such a distance in the other direction as to make even me question whether it was necessary. On a bright sunny summer’s day, it would be one thing, but this was just unpleasant. And of course, meanwhile, there was the distraction of his friend here, so the pursuit was set aside.

Which I decided to do, as well; it felt rude even to talk about the subject in front of one who was to spend the next twenty-four to thirty hours having to abstain from eating. So while they continued watching stuff, I headed into the bedroom to do much the same; but I could only do so much before it got the best of me.

In a way, this felt like how Douglas Adams describes flying; where you fall, but miss the ground. I was going to go off this fast, but rather than pigging out like I’d considered (and maybe even hoped for), I was just having a single plate full of food.

But before you praise me too much, I ought to let you know that this wasn’t like I was making any great progress on my diet or anything. On the contrary; my cold, and the weakness that had enervated me, had basically kept me from working out for well over a week – even my walk with Lars on Wednesday was cut short (although that was as much due to the weather as any poor health on my part). By the weekend, I was already up to that dreaded two-forty line, and even over it, before heading off to rehearsal on Saturday. This fast only allowed me to retreat to where I wasn’t in any danger of crossing it again; I’m not in danger of dropping back below my license weight like I’d like to.

Still, the fact that I’d resolved to go out to eat while at the tail end of this fast, and ultimately deciding against it shows that one’s resolved can be broken for good effects as well as bad ones. Not that I’m quite sure about how to harness it going forward, but if you can nudge me in the right direction, maybe something can come of it?