Dearest Rachel –
This is a topic of discussion that would never have come up between us in your lifetime. During that first year, when Jan was helping me clear the house of so much stuff that could not be gotten rid of for any one of so many reasons, she informed me that she approached you about the possibility of performing a limited version of the purge she eventually wound up doing (since by the time she was here, you were no longer in need of the clothes we gave away, for example), but you either turned her down, or at the very least, demurred that you weren’t ready to engage in such a deep cleaning.
Which was understandable; we’d been in the progress of removing what memorabilia you wanted to keep from your childhood home at the time of your departure; rather than paring down the stuff we had, we were adding to it, in the (forlorn) hopes that we’d eventually get around to sorting through it at some point in the future. Maybe after that, you might have been amenable to such assistance – although probably not, as her style very much comes with a “rip the Band-Aid off” approach that is excruciatingly painful at times – but with the loss of your parents, followed by the lockdowns, and everything else going on, there was a lot for you yet to process before you were ready to do anything about your hoarding habits.
Besides, there was the matter of your being home on a 24/7 basis that seems to have made you think that to acknowledge you needed assistance getting (never mind keeping) the house clean and tidy was to admit some sort of moral failing as a housekeeper, especially since you didn’t have the excuse of a lack of time caused by an outside job to explain it. Sure, now that we had the means, we could hire someone to take care of these matters dispassionately, but what would that say about us?
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating, that as a bachelor, I don’t seem to have these sorts of societal pressures, whether real or perceived. I can ask Jan to help me clean out the house, and now retain Kris to help me keep it (reasonably) clean, and nobody will think ill of me for doing so. “Oh, he wouldn’t know how, anyway” seems to be the stereotypical thought about someone like myself.
And as insulting as that might be to some guys – “Whaddya mean, I can’t keep my own space clean?” – I’m not one to be bothered by that. To be sure, I’d like to think that I keep the place reasonably clean – although given the boys I live with, that’s probably due to having a low bar to clear by comparison. But I try to limit what I do throughout the house to contribute to the growing messes, in any event. Meanwhile, if there are those who consider my housekeeping abilities to be subpar, what can I say? It’s not a role that I was expected to fulfill to begin with, and it’s not like I can control other people’s opinions about me, anyway.
But with that having been said, I’d have been interested in your take on the fact that, unlike some of Kris’ clients in particular, I don’t bother to clean the house when she’s on her way. As it is, I’m barely awake, out of the shower, and dressed by the time she shows up at eight or eight-thirty of our monthly appointment (and now that I think of it, you’d probably have that much more difficulty in being in that state at that time; mostly due to staying up so late the night before). To think that I’d put in effort to tidy up here or there because she was coming over – and what would she think about this mess or that? – just seems downright silly. After all, that’s what she’s over here for, isn’t she?
I honestly think you’d agree with me, although you might point out that, the more a client does beforehand, the less time she spends working on the house (and therefore, the less her visit will cost, since she charges by the hour). That line of reasoning is more than fair. There are also things that she leaves alone; any stack of papers is left in place, lest she mess with something she’s not supposed to see. Neither does she do laundry – although I’ve never thought to ask; it’s possible that could be arranged, if it were necessary – but there are times when I do that myself while she’s over, so as to have her assistance in folding one set of sheets or another (and the more I do that, the more I marvel at the times you folded those things – especially the contour sheets – on your own. I mean, how?)
You might also point out that her impending arrival might also spur a homemaker to do the things she might otherwise put off. That purpose, of being a ward against procrastination, might have made for an argument for you to enlist her services at some point, if you think about it. But of course, the house would need to get clean before we could keep it clean, I suppose, so maybe not.
The irony of this whole discussion is that Kris was scheduled to show up yesterday, but there was a plumbing problem at her place that prevented her from properly preparing herself. By rescheduling her arrival for today, I actually won’t be able to stick around, as I’m meeting Lars this afternoon (although where and when has yet to be determined – this might be another story for you later, for all I know). Granted, her place is an apartment, so resolving the situation is the landlord’s responsibility, but this means that her clients are likely to have cleaner homes than her own for the time being.
For my part, I’d be more concerned about packing for this weekend than picking up the house. Both could be accomplished simultaneously, but if I plan to visit Dad before meeting up with Lars, I’m not giving myself time to do much of either. Meanwhile, Kris rarely takes more than four hours, no matter how messy I leave the place (and I don’t think it’s that bad at the moment), so I can just leave her with a payment for that much and have done with it, and head off, I think.
As usual, I realized that this is a somewhat self-centered topic to dwell on on this, what would be your fifty-sixth birthday, but it’s what I have to deal with today. It’s hard to remember when you’re not here to remind me – although you’re on my mind just enough for me to think to add this tag, so perhaps you’re not as gone as all that. Still, if you could keep your eye on me today, and wish me well, I’d appreciate it; it’s clear that I need it yet.
Letters to Rachel 