Dearest Rachel –
I don’t claim to be a student of Confucianism by any stretch of the imagination, but I am passingly familiar with at least one tenet of the philosophy? …religion? I’m not even entirely sure as to which it really is. Both are a means to guide behavior in the present world; while the latter generally tends to additionally offer some sort of promise of a better life to come in the distant future, I’m not sure how that works out with most of the Eastern faiths, and where they fall on the continuum between philosophy and faith.
Regardless, there is within it the concept of xiào (孝), which I’ve heard translated most often as “filial piety.” It’s the responsibility a child has to their parent in their old age; just as the parent took responsibility for raising the child in their youth, when they weren’t capable of being out in the world on their own, so in turn is there a similar responsibility on the part of the child (usually the eldest son, but obviously that isn’t always an option) later on in life. Although I’m not sure that there’s any mention of reciprocity in the texts of Confucianism itself; it may well be that the child is obligated to take care of their parent regardless of how they were treated by them growing up. It would seem that there should be a certain amount of guidance to parents to raise their children in such a way as to better predispose them toward xiào, though, but I don’t recall there being such an instruction spoken of.
Of course, as your parents’ only child, the responsibility of xiào fell upon you, despite not being the eldest son (although, I suppose that being the only child does render you the eldest by default, so that’s half the position sorted), and despite not being Confucian. Let’s acknowledge that, while we may not have a single word for the concept in English or Christianity, the principle still stands, even if “honor your father and mother” is a little light on the specifics as thus stated. While I can’t claim to have gotten into your head about what you felt you needed to do – or maybe I was so wrapped up in my own responsibilities at work and all that I didn’t properly hear your thoughts at the time, or that I’ve just simply forgotten the conclusions you arrived at in those days as to what you ought to do – I know that you purposed in your mind to check in on them regularly. This entailed a week-long visit once every month for the last few years of their lives, as well as arranging the in-home nursing care after your dad’s first stroke (which was the first point when they seemed to finally admit that they couldn’t manage things on their own).
But it seems that the rotation of nurses wasn’t their first option. Shortly after we got home from our trip this month, Twofeathers contacted me, in part to assure herself that I was still going to send her the usual stipend (as neither she nor her husband are able to work these days, given their own individual infirmities). While she was telling me about their situation – and expressing her effusive thanks for what we have purposed to sending her each month – she told me about a discussion between your folks that was brought up to you at the time.
The way she told it – and I think you may have mentioned it before, or maybe Twofeathers told me at a previous time and I’ve forgotten – they had preferred for you to be the one to come and live with them, and take care of them, rather than having a rotation of nurses coming in to do the job. They were even willing to offer you a salary bordering on six figures, although whether that was to be a single lump sum or an annual figure wasn’t clear to me (and could have made a difference).
However, even filial piety has its limits, and you turned them down. You insisted that you already had a family to take care of, and you were not going to set Daniel and me aside for their sake, even if it meant earning a wage for your efforts. You pointed out that they had saved their money for the sake of being able to provide for themselves; it was high time they used it for that very purpose. Besides, a trained nurse would be better equipped to assist them with certain aspects of their constrained lifestyle than you could. You promised to continue your regular visits, but as far as day-to-day monitoring, you made the arrangements for professional care.
I think Twofeathers saw this as an admirable quality in you; that you had chosen to focus on the more important relationships in your life, while at the same time not entirely neglecting the responsibility of xiào (although she might have been biased, as your choice also gave her employment). Why she told (or re-told) this story to me now, I’m not sure. Maybe she was trying to ingratiate herself with me by reminding me of your priorities (and that I and Daniel took precedence over your folks), especially since she was already concerned about the routine payment that hadn’t arrived. I realize also that she expresses great affection for you – and by extension, to me and Daniel – but but given her straitened circumstances (even the house we left her hasn’t been entirely the godsend it appeared to be), I can more than understand some level of pecuniary motive behind her inquiries.
Still, I appreciate her reminder of the choices you made, and the illustration of your character – which, to be fair, could be taken in either direction, depending on one’s perspective. Obviously, my approval of your decision is just as biased as Twofeathers, since you chose me over them as well. But would Confucius have approved? Hard to say. At least, as a mortal – regardless of how wise he might have been – we could have argued various points, such as how a nurse would have taken better (or at least more proper) care of them than you could. It’s easier to feel you’re on a level playing field with a human mind than with God, and He doesn’t make such specific demands of us that we would need to contend with. Indeed, right from the start, He speaks of a man (including implicitly an eldest son) leaving his parents for the sake of his wife; how much more so would that be applicable to you?
Of course, this may just be an attempt at blendng oil and water; it’s possible that Christianity and Confucianism don’t mix in the slightest. On the other hand, certain principle appear to align among nearly all religions and philosophies; we humans, regardless of cultural background, inherently seem to understand certain matters of right and wrong. It’s the littler details where we get bogged down. In any event, it’s something to note to and about you, before I forget again (indeed, I may have already forgotten about you telling me this directly, with a slight air of “can you believe they asked this of me?” behind it), and get on with the rest of my day.
And as I do so, I should ask as always that you keep an eye on me, and wish me luck, as I’m sure I’m going to need it (even though I don’t have such decisions to make).
Letters to Rachel 