Not Today

Dearest Rachel –

I woke up again – sort of – at four in the morning today, but this time around, I couldn’t bring myself to get up and go work out. And just like yesterday, it prompts the question as to ‘why,’ but from the opposite direction.

Some of the reasons I might give for not doing so are perfectly understandable, and would more than suffice as rationale. For one, it had rained pretty hard throughout the evening, and while it was calm in the moment I regained consciousness, there was no guarantee that would hold; walking to the fitness center would be a dicey proposition, if I were to be concerned about getting wet to or from the place. Additionally, there is the matter of where I had fallen asleep – in the new recliner by the bed. It’s good to know that it’s comfortable enough for me to do so, but probably not the best place to stay and sleep. Best to move over, and get at least a couple of hours of actual bedrest. And then there are the things to deal with in the morning; between Kris coming over to clean the place for the first time since I’d gotten home, and the fact that I’m not, actually, staying home today or for the rest of the work week (and I still have to pack most of my things for the next couple of days), carving a chunk like that out of my morning, as small and as temporally separate as it might be, might not be as practical as it would on another day.

But of course, there is also the basic nature of my own temperament that factored into the decision as well. You’ve probably figured out – since I’ve said so in as many words multiple times over – that I’m not really fond of the whole process, and only stick to it for the results (which seem to be diminishing since this time last year) and as a regular discipline. And while I haven’t yet decided as to how often constitutes as ‘regular,’ I’ve concluded that I don’t need to do so every day in order for it to count. So, even though I woke up to a dark and quiet morning, I elected not to bother heading out to stretch myself. Not today.

Having said that, though, there is the fact that I won’t be able to work out for the rest of the week – at least, not in a regimented, keep-track-on-the-machines type of workout. I’ll be able to do more walking around at camp, to be sure – indeed, I’ll have to, in order to do anything around there, so I may be that much more likely to get my steps in up there – but there won’t be anything official about it. Not that ‘official’ really matters to my body – it’ll take (and theoretically benefit from) any form of exercise – but there’s this compulsive need, not unlike the one that keeps sending me to the fitness center in the first place, that causes me to want to keep track of what I’m doing, and that I’m doing it.

Maybe it’s the whole app thing; I have to record that I’m accomplishing something, so that those who are keeping me accountable know that I am.

For the moment, however, there’s the fact that, unlike yesterday, the question of “what else can I do today?” is answered, and more than answered, by my preparations to receive Kris (and, as it so happens, go through the mail – specifically, the bills – that Daniel set aside for me to deal with, rather than taking care of them himself as I’d intended. At least there’s only two or three of them that are past due, but still…) and to get myself sufficiently together that I’m ready to make it out the door and off to camp. While it doesn’t cover the hours between four and six or seven in the morning, it certainly gives sufficient justification for me to collect a little extra sleep (if I can get it) in order to be rested and ready to take on the coming day. Whether I can make it into the dark of the evening remains to be seen, but at least it might give me the energy to try.

And with that being said, I should probably let you go, and see if I can manage; the only way to find out if I can is to try (and regardless of Yoda’s admonition, one has to try in order to do anything – ‘doing’ suggests accomplishment, while ‘trying’ describes you in the process. There is no ‘do’ without ‘try,’ you little green muppet). So keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.