Empty Minds and Screens

Dearest Rachel –

I was up earlier than usual today, for reasons that escape me. Daniel seemed to have fallen asleep with one of his internet broadcasts on, and the noise of it would occasionally seep into the bedroom and stir me to wakefulness. So I finally gave up around a little after five, and got on with my day, including a walk down to the gym, and getting in a couple miles of walking uphill.

You might think that getting such an early jump on the day would also allow me to come up with something to tell you about, but that’s not really the case. I’ll be honest, there’s something about the workout routine that precludes me from being able to think about anything else. On the weight machines, I’m just counting my repetitions, while as I’m going uphill on the treadmill, I’m really just thinking about the next interval at which I’m going to ratchet up my speed; whether it’s in the next two or three minutes, or once I hit a certain number of calories burned, or whatever. As a result, I’m not really thinking about… well, anything. Make all the jokes you want about it (and I probably deserve it), but for that period in time, my mind is pretty much empty.

And as such, while I find myself sitting here in front of the screen, it’s as empty as my mind was when I was trying to focus on my workout. I haven’t put together a topic, story, a thought to tell you about. It’s mildly embarrassing, to tell you the truth.

But it’s not as if my day is spent constantly thinking about something to tell you. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing – I’m sure somebody would tell me that it is, that it’s yet another sign that I’m somehow recovering, and how I need to move on that much more – but there is more to my day, and to my life in general, then the simple task of recording it and telling you about it. Which makes sense, if you think about it; something actually has to happen to me in order for me to have something to tell you about, so I literally can’t spend all my time in front of the computer trying to communicate with you, or I’ll have nothing to communicate with you about.

But some days, like today I don’t feel like there’s anything in them worth relating to you. Sure, this is the first ordinary Friday (if there is such a thing) I’ve had in nearly four months. Last week, the boys and I were getting settled at Anime Central, and finding out what it was like – or more to the point, what it wasn’t like anymore. And the week before, of course, was literally one of the longest days in my life, simply because I was traveling across so many time zones on my way home after the extended trip. For all that I’d discovered that I have given such short shrift to my life here back at home, now that I’m here, it’s settled back into this state of ordinariness (if that’s even a word), and I find myself reluctant to tell you about it, because it’s so… dull… in comparison to the life I’ve been living these past few months.

All of which is really weird, considering there was plenty of down time here and there throughout the trip that could be considered just as dull, from a certain point of view. At least here and now I can go to and fro on my own recognizance; and while I do have certain limits as to how far I can go in a given amount of time, I’m not restricted to the thousand feet from fore to aft (although I will admit to not moving nearly as much of any given day, especially with regard to stairs). I can eat what I want when I want (provided I’ve purchased it beforehand to do so, which is a bit of a hassle, I’ll not lie), and not be compelled to show up at a certain time (or time span) for one type of meal or another. If I want eggs for lunch, I can do that; if I want a sandwich for breakfast, I can do that likewise. It’s just that the onus is on me to have what I want on hand, and be willing to put it together, which I’m still trying to get used to again.

Meanwhile, I’ve also come to the realization that some of the things that I saw along the way are not nearly as special as I thought they were when I encountered them. I can purchase some of the snacks that I found in Malaysia over on Amazon (which I couldn’t do aboard ship because… well, how would they deliver anything to me there?). And the spices we went shopping for in Mumbai? Well, as I was showing Daniel around Tony’s international grocery store, we came across a display of bulk spices, in packets not unlike the ones I purchased over there – and while I’m not completely sure, thanks to exchange rates and memory, I’m thinking the prices here aren’t exorbitantly high in comparison. But seeing the ingredients being assembled, dried and ground into powder gives a certain magic to them, I guess, that you just can’t get when you’re looking at them in a grocery store aisle (and which, by extension, I can’t explain to Daniel, as he didn’t experience that moment with me, so he wouldn’t be able to understand).

It’s embarrassing to realize that, now that I’m back where everything seems ordinary, even some of the unusual things I experienced wouldn’t seem out of place here, and as such, are they really worth telling you about on this day-by-day log of “things that happen to and around me”? I’m not entirely sure, and as a result, I’m momentarily at a loss to tell you about my day.

Then again, I’ve gotten this far on the page, so maybe I can spin a little gold out of this haystack, after all – and I haven’t had to summon some little man with a funny name to do it. Unless I am that man; what do you think, honey?

Anyway, always remember to keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m sure I’m going to need it.