Dearest Rachel –
I’ve mentioned to you before the ambivalence I have toward the fact that I (theoretically) can decide for myself what to do at any given time. There is something nice about being able to go out on a whim, like I did this morning, and grab breakfast without worrying about needing to get extra for anyone else in the house (and having to wait while everything, whether hot or cold, slowly regressed toward a less-than-appetizing room temperature). Not that this happens all that often, as I’m not usually in such a mood – and a good thing, too, considering the calories in just about everything available out there (I was especially shocked to see the difference between sausage offerings compared with bacon or ham – I guess now I get once reason why Erin has such antipathy toward the stuff) – but after bringing myself back down to the brink of 250 pounds yesterday, and still being there this morning, I felt like treating myself. And I can do that – not that I couldn’t back in the day; I just would need to make sure I brought something back for everyone, and waited until everyone was up to share it all.
But these days, more often than not, I find myself wishing for the additional input. Maybe I’m wanting to do something but not knowing what, and needing a push towards something you would want to do. Maybe I want collaboration or confirmation that what I have in the back of my mind to do is worthwhile – that whole ‘partners-in-crime’ vibe, although those moments of you playing conscience and dissuading me from one outlandish thing or another would be appreciated, too. And of course, there’s the fact that some things just can’t be enjoyed properly without someone with to enjoy them with me (and for me to observe them enjoying it). Without that second person, it makes it hard to actually decide to do anything these days, and as a result, it’s scary how often I find myself doing nothing.
And then there are days like this, when I have multiple options, and no idea which to choose. None of them seems quite ideal, but each of them have their points. In a case like this, I’d ask your preference, but that’s not an option that’s available to me – although I’ll still tell you about them for now, as it’s all I can do.
You see – and I keep forgetting about this, as this is the one fandom I’ve never really participated in, apart from that cruise back in December 2019 – the local brony convention is taking place this weekend, complete with a number of online guests. As a convention volunteer (and one with family working at a local eatery), Logan is continuing his tradition of inviting the guests that are arriving today to his family’s restaurant for dinner prior to the convention weekend. Daniel will be going, and back in the day you would have been there, as would I – if for no other reason than to pick up our portion of the tab, but also to discuss the ins and outs of creating and keeping up a YouTube channel, as was my dream after I was able to leave the nine-to-five work farce. But with that dream abandoned, and little connection to the fandom apart from Daniel, I’m not sure if I belong in that crowd. To a certain extent, I wonder if my presence wouldn’t have a bit of a ‘wet blanket’ effect, as I only was a part of this crowd because of Daniel and yourself, and with you gone, well…
There’s also the fact that today being Thursday, Mom has already begun making preparations for hosting Daniel and I for dinner tonight. Had I remembered about the boys’ plans yesterday, especially the fact that Daniel would be going with Logan and the guests of honor, I could have prevented her from going to the trouble, especially considering that what she’s making (a new dish, but one that Daniel particularly favors) would be way too much for the two of us. She insists that she can easily put the uneaten part in the freezer for another time (a running joke in our family; even when Jenn and I were kids, Mom would prepare huge meals that would be stored in the freezer for ages, and she’d often point out at a later meal that “this came out of the freeeeezer” as a way of proving the prudence of her method), but if that’s the case, maybe it would be best to put the whole meal there, so that when she does serve it, Daniel will be around to enjoy it.
Ironically, if you were still here, there wouldn’t be a situation where I would have to decide; this whole weekly thing of stopping by the folks’ place for dinner on a weekly basis, while it does keep Mom in practice with regard to cooking, wasn’t a thing until you left. Prior to that, it was assumed that the three of us – you, me and Daniel – were always eating as our own family unit, which admittedly was true in a considerably more casual way that I suspect my folks would have imagined. Still, the choice would be to do something on our own, or go with the group; for you, it would have been a no-brainer, and, despite not being a part of the brony community like you and Daniel, I wouldn’t have considered any alternatives, either.
But now, when I’m on my own, I have both these options. Either way, I might consider myself to be disappointing someone; either way, it’s more of an obligation to someone else as opposed to what I might want to do. On the other hand, if I skipped out on both options, what else would I do? Stay home and finish my bag of salad greens? It would probably be better for me (especially after treating myself this morning), but would it really be good? Would it be what I wanted? Even I don’t think so.
I wish you were here to offer me some advice, or push me in one direction or another. Well, let’s be honest, honey; I wish you were here for a lot of reasons, but this one in particular for the moment.
But with that not being an option, all I can do is let you know, and hope that you’ll at least keep an eye on me, and wish me luck, as I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 