Dearest Rachel –
I’m not always sure whether my jaded approach to online conversations (I hesitate to call it ‘dating’ anymore, since it never gets anywhere close to that) is excessively cynical, but the alleged women I find myself chatting with always manage to live down to my expectations of them, so perhaps it’s perfectly justified. I don’t want to think of them (and by extension, the entirety of the female species, if for no other reason than the fact that, when you’re online, there’s no proving who you are. Anyone can be anyone, so who’s to say I’m always – or ever – talking to a woman?) as money-grubbing gold diggers, but what should I think when the subject always comes around to that, and fairly quickly? I find myself thinking about them much like Strong Bad does about his new printer: “When it comes to disappointing me, you never disappoint me.”
So here’s the latest of these sorts of stories, submitted, as always, for your amusement – and perhaps as a continued cautionary tale.
***
Really, the way things began should have been a tip-off to me; when you get a call or text from out of the blue, that’s not a sign that you’re being contacted by a trusted friend. And in my defense, I made it clear to Alison (I’ve given up on hiding these people behind pseudonyms – it’s too hard to keep track of them, and for all I know, these are pseudonyms themselves already) that, while I wasn’t offended by her first attempting to call me (although the call was disconnected before I could answer it) or text me, I was leery about her right from the start for that very reason.
And for that very reason, I started off asking her questions; how did she come to select me, of all people, to contact? It’s not like I have a particularly large footprint on social media; in fact, I’ve made a point to stay off of the largest platforms out there. I could access Facebook through your account if I really wanted to, but I know better than to try to post anything in your voice. Either way, it wouldn’t be a way for her (or anyone else) to find me. So how did it come to pass that she found me, and why would she decide to try to reach out?
Her response was a particularly curious one, which I couldn’t verify since I don’t use Skype to find other people (and have no intention of trying). She claimed that she was looking for matches on the app, since she’s single herself. And while that seems to be within the realm of possibility (although I don’t recall anywhere in Skype that had me list my relationship status – and even if it did, the fact that you still have an account would probably still have me linked with you, since I certainly don’t recall updating any such status in the last thousand days), the second part of her explanation felt a little weird. Evidently, she found herself with my name as a ‘single near you’ when she was in Evanston visiting family members – despite the fact that she (supposedly) lives in Sacramento.
Look, I understand looking on a social media site for ‘singles near you’; I wouldn’t trust those advertisements (the ones aimed at men seem particularly sketchy, considering the claims they make about what such ‘singles’ are supposedly willing to do), but I get why people would use them to look for others to hang out with, date, and possibly more than that. What I don’t follow is why someone would do that while they’re traveling, especially when they’re visiting friends and/or family. Haven’t they already got people to hang out with, in that case? Sure, you shouldn’t be dating family members, but abandoning said family, when you’re literally in town to see them, just to go on a blind date seems beyond inconsiderate. How dysfunctional is your family that you’d rather find a stranger to hang out with than them, especially after having crossed half a continent to supposedly be with them?
And you know, it didn’t cross my mind to ask any of this until now, nor to ask why she’s not apparently looking for guys in the Sacramento area that she could date once she’s home – because, for whatever reason, she didn’t contact me until she was back home in California. All very strange. And yet, I didn’t question it.
However, what I did do was to point out that neither of us ought to get our hopes up about the conversation we were having developing into anything more than that, in part because of the extended distance between us (although I left the door open for whenever she might return to Evanston, I’d be more than happy to seek her out for a face-to-face encounter). She quoted her mother as saying that distance shouldn’t be a barrier to love (gee, where have I heard that before? It may not be a barrier to one that already exists, like ours back in the day, but it’s not likely to facilitate the building of one from scratch), while I countered with my Dad’s assertion that for all the phone calls, emails, video conferences and texts, there’s nothing like good old-fashioned face-to-face contact for establishing relationships, be they personal or professional.
I don’t know if I deserve credit or blame for continuing to engage Alison on these matters, but engage I did. We swapped photographs – I sent her a shot of Daniel and myself on the Jerusalem light rail, which she praised as ‘beautiful,’ adding that it was ‘amazing how much your son looks like you.’ Such overly effusive praise struck me as odd in its own right; one might want to be complimentary, sure, but that felt like it was crossing the line into being ingratiating. I made no attempt at such an over-the-top reaction to her photo, but I did try to be nice about it (‘you look like you’re having a good time’ as she’s depicted sitting at a picnic table by a beach) after running it through an image search engine and coming up with no matches, leaving me to conclude that this might actually be legitimate.
Along those line, some of our conversation actually seemed to be legitimate, as well. She asked what it was I was looking for in ‘Megumi’ (although I never dropped that name, so she didn’t refer to it specifically), and after all this time – and all these ruminations to you on the subject – I had plenty of specifics to tell her about, including things that would be nice but negotiable, as well as others that were absolute requirements. She actually admitted that I’d given her plenty to think about in her own search, as well – things that she hadn’t thought about in terms of what her ideal man ought to be and have. And if she were to have walked away from me wiser because of that at that point, I could at least be pleased that I’d been able to impart a little wisdom (because that’s all that I have) to her.
But one of the other bits of wisdom I gave her was about those that I’d met online in the past. She had her own stories about men who wanted salacious photos and were just out to find a sex partner, while I summarized my experiences with people (again, were they even women behind the names and fake photos? I don’t know) who just wanted money, and how I would respond to them; specifically, that I would often offer to give them whatever money they might want, but only if we were to meet in person, so I could hand it over to them directly.
But of course, with her being in Sacramento, that wouldn’t be possible…
And sure enough, while the girls and I were gaming online yesterday, she sent me a few messages. Now, if this was a serious relationship, I would probably have been more attentive to them – indeed, I’d probably have invited her to join us, as we were communicating on Skype as well, after all – but as it was, it was a minor distraction, albeit nothing I couldn’t juggle. However, she went on about the Mother’s Day presents she received from her boys.
A quick aside here; considering that I want to show ‘Megumi’ the world when I find her, there are certain things that would be problematic. One is someone who is effectively married to her career, or at least, a career. There’s nothing wrong with having one, of being industrious and independent, but it gets in the way of being able to drop everything and just go somewhere on a whim. Likewise, animals and children; we had dreams of travel, and it wasn’t just Covid that held us back, but Chompers. We assumed he would pass away early in 2021, and we could then begin making plans as things opened up. Anyone I would find with a pet (or pets, plural) would be similarly handcuffed, and even more so with young children. Alison’s situation was beginning to seem that much more unlikely even as she related her stories to me.
But when I mentioned what Jen and I had gotten for Mom (gift cards and cash, respectively), Alison expressed a desire for those as well. And I knew where this was going.
“…it would be appropriate to accept gifts from loved ones, especially on Mother’s Day.”
Yup. She was asking me to send her a gift, as a “loved one.” She hadn’t paid attention to a word I’d said about my suspicions, and how I responded to anyone online asking me for money. And of course, she’d already made it abundantly clear that I’d have to travel to central California to hand over the cards, making that reply completely impractical.
This is why she went looking up guys while she was in Evanston… assuming she ever really was.
You’d think she’d have figured out I wasn’t that kind of easy mark. Then again, you’d think I’d know better than to engage her when she first reached out to me, or when my first suspicions were raised. But you’d be wrong, now, wouldn’t you?
Needless to say, I’m not responding to her from this point on. But if you could keep and eye on me, and wish me luck, I’d really appreciate it. After all, I clearly still need it.
Letters to Rachel 