The Song That Fits

Dearest Rachel –

So last night, Kerstin came over. It was all we could do; getting all the girls together just wasn’t in the cards. It’s part of why it’s taken so long to arrange your final send-off – Erin needs her schedule together for the following year by the previous November, while Aaron (the guy that bought the cottage we used to rent) won’t generally know his wife’s vacation schedule until February of the year, or even as late as April. Which reminds me; I ought to call him at some point soon. I’m thinking I’ll have better luck if I aim for a significant but off-season date, like around your birthday in May, or our anniversary in September. Either way, the water will be cold, and I’m not exactly looking forward to that.

Okay, enough of that aside. For the moment, Ellen was headed downstate to visit her mom – you can certainly relate – and Erin was understandably concerned about the fact that I was still recovering from whatever I got in Japan just before heading home. So, sometimes these reunions have to be done one person at a time, I guess.

Anyway, things were fairly low-key. We deliberately went someplace that neither Erin nor Ellen would be likely to enjoy or appreciate (so they wouldn’t feel left out), showed Kerstin some of our many pictures, and (since I’ve said my piece to you, and I’m never sure what, if anything, anyone’s aware of through that) I tried to let Daniel do as much of the talking as possible. I figure that it’s best to let him describe his side of the story, as I’ve committed mine to text already for future reference, if need be.

Afterwards, we hung out at the house; the boys were watching videos and showing them to Kerstin while I kept my distance a little. There’s not really a good fourth chair over there, to be honest, and I had some other stuff to do. I figured as long as I was in the room with everybody, there was still that connection. It’s kind of how we were as a family unit, on any given night, wouldn’t you agree?

Still, the time came to say goodbye, and I escorted her to and out the door – at which point, I proceeded to sit down on the step, and just talk with her for the next hour or so, about… oh, so much. I went on a little bit about Japan, but she had taken her own vacation while we did, so there was that – she’s been experiencing a situation there that’s something of a mirror image of mine, so that was an interesting perspective – I wonder what advice (if any) you would have offered her. I think you would have been proud of her for handing another issue at her church; while you may disapprove of the policies that cause people to come storming into this country, I’m sure you believe they ought to be treated with charity and compassion, especially when they come looking and asking for it.

And then, there was the topic of the mutual hole you left in our lives, and each of our individual attempts to fill it with one thing or another (or not; she lost someone else close to her after you; I’m not sure if she’s worried about that happening to another person if she should try to create another such relationship. You’d probably tell her to go ahead and not to worry about it; if nothing else, that sort of fear never kept you from wanting pets, for instance – not that I mean to compare people and animals, but you get what I mean about the transience of life, and how that can’t be allowed to be a barrier to opening up again). There were a lot of stories about you from each of us, filling gaps in the other’s understanding of you. Some complemented the knowledge we already had; others were completely new takes of you that we weren’t necessarily aware of.

And of course, there was how to deal with the future, both near term and far. Kerstin expressed concern about making another person an idol – in her past, the ideal she had of a life partner; in my future, ‘Megumi’ – and how it might well be best to step back and leave things to God, and let Him fill the spot you left.

***

Admittedly, this makes our discussion sound a lot deeper that it really was, for the most part. A lot of it was just telling stories – some of which were quite literal, as I mentioned a couple of those ‘fanfictions’ I’d been concocting in my head – and laughing about them. Perhaps I was getting her assent regarding my internal depiction of her; eventually, I’ll have to do likewise with the others, if I were to release it (not that I expect to at any point in the foreseeable future).

Mostly, though, it was about you. Are you surprised? Wouldn’t you expect me to be talking about our trip? But you know, too many experiences are such that I find myself unable to share them with someone else unless I could actually share them with that someone else. And don’t go telling me that’s redundant; you know full well what I mean. Telling someone about something just isn’t the same as bringing them along to see and experience it. Of course, there was plenty more to it than that, but those were the basics, and that’s sufficient for now, I’d say.

The point is, this was meant to be a shared experience. And with Daniel and I, it was. Even the little discoveries, such as the fact that walking around without a specific purpose or destination was preferable to him than the scheduled coach tours, with all the culture and so forth, were a part of all that. And it would have been nice to have been able to see and hear your reactions, your stories… or maybe someone else’s… while we were there.

But as I said, Kerstin advised me not to get too fixated on that; for now, perhaps the hole you left needs to be filled by some other means than The Search. Too much faith or hope placed in a hypothetical person is a means of setting myself up for disappointment.

***

I know I come back to the old mix tapes we used to send back and forth when we were dating from time to time. Actually, it’s been rather a while since I went into any great detail over one song or another; partly because we’ve been otherwise occupied, and partly because it’s still rather painful to think about.

This one is painful by its very nature, but it seems to fit the situation. I’m not sure, but I think Kerstin was not only suggesting reducing my focus on ‘Megumi,’ but also that I learn to let go of you to a certain extent (not entirely, mind you; just a little more than I have). That’s a difficult thing to do, but perhaps the fact that I don’t just makes it that much more difficult to find ‘Megumi’ in the first place, or if I do find her, she won’t measure up to the standard I’ve set for her. I may or may not have insisted to her that I already have a benchmark other than you, but that poses a separate set of similar problems as Sam expresses here.

You’ll remember how Sam Phillips was a part of our early life soundtrack together, even once Daniel came along. Even more so, in fact, as he somehow got into her music, although it was mostly under her new musical moniker.

But there’s another song that fits the situation, performed back when she was still going by her first, rather than her middle name. It’s not something I can say with a lot of confidence at the moment, but it’s something I need to develop if I’m to stay safe and sane. This is not a situation where I’m going to have all the answers any time soon… or possibly ever. Which is a shame, because it seems like I’d need them in order to properly move forward.

Then again, maybe I’m not meant to always keep moving. He says “to be still, and know that I am God”; that doesn’t necessarily only mean to be silent. Sometimes, all the running around and doing stuff can interfere in knowing what His plans are as opposed to mine.

Sometimes, I just have to wait.

I hope to be able to say some of these words and mean them some day soon. Until then, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.