The Weekend That Just as Well Wasn’t

Dearest Rachel –

Friday, May 27

I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s just the fact that I’m holing up in the man cave while Daniel and Logan watch anime together downstairs; maybe it’s that I’m watching a channel we used to view together (and, to be honest, you seemed to enjoy more than I did back in the day); maybe it’s the fact that we were supposed to be down in Nashville this weekend, rather than this grey and rainy town; maybe it’s just the fact that I’m now dealing with a weak (but still noticeable) version of the cold Daniel’s been battling this past week or so. In any event, I’m not feeling my best, and I’m missing you more than usual.

It’s not necessarily that you would take care of me as I fought off an ailment, although I’ll not deny you did. Even if you didn’t offer any remedy, your presence was enough to make me feel a little better; there’s nothing like close contact with someone who loves you to lift the spirits when the body and mind are relatively weak. And the fact that I sense your absence that much more keenly at the moment makes this afternoon – and this weekend – that much more empty.

The ·will to live [L human spirit] can get you through sickness, but ·no one can live with [L who can bear…?] a broken spirit.

Proverbs 18:14, Expanded Bible

The tile-laying team slipped out shortly after we returned with the kitchen fan, without apparently needing me to move the car, much to my surprise. They did at least hook the washing machine and dryer back up, so I can use them over the weekend (and I certainly do need to at this point). Granted, I’m not feeling like doing any of that right now, but it’s nice to know I have the option when I finally decide to take that task upon myself.

Indeed, I’m not feeling like doing much of anything right now. So, I lean back in my recliner… and the next thing I know, Daniel is tapping me on the shoulder, letting me know that Logan is on his way out, at half-past eleven (decidedly later than usual). Well, at least the boys have had fun.

Saturday, May 28

I’m not quite up with the light these days – the sun gets up at a ridiculous hour already, and there’s still a month to go before it peaks – but I’m up fairly early for a Saturday. In the old days, I’d sit around and read, or something like that, while I waited for you to wake up so we could spend some ‘alone time’ together. You know what I’m talking about; I don’t need to go into detail, despite the fact that I might like to. The internet isn’t the place for talking about that, no matter what Trekkie Monster says.

Today isn’t quite one of those days. I am up in order to meet some of the guys at a local breakfast place (in lieu of our usual Saturday morning Bible study), and since hunger doesn’t care how you feel, I’ve concluded I might as well go and meet them there. But were you around to offer yourself, I might just pass on the offer. I’m not feeling my best at this point.

It’s starting to feel as if it’s just as well that Daniel and I didn’t head down to Nashville this weekend to meet Kevin. Not only would we not have been able to enjoy it to the fullest (and the drive down while fighting this cough and congestion would have been particularly nightmarish), we would probably run the risk of passing whatever it is we have on to him, since we would be spending most of our time in the confined quarters of his house.

Sunday, May 29

No matter when I put myself to sleep, I can’t seem to avoid waking up between five and six in the morning, even when there’s no need to be up so early. Not only that, but my head still feels like a tightly inflated balloon; just a little bit more pressure, and it feels like it could very well burst.

Of course, it may just be a morning thing; as the day wears on, whatever illness I’m combatting seems less and less like a life-or-death struggle, and more of a simple nuisance. And, as much as I miss not being able to play games online, I probably wouldn’t be at my best today for that either – although it’s not like I take advantage of the time to catch a nap like Daniel does. It’s probably not my best decision, but oh, well.

Then again, it doesn’t feel like a decision I can even make for myself. Whatever part of me considers sleep to be a prudent course of action, both my mind and my body insist on staying awake, for whatever reason. It isn’t even as if they’re doing anything, let alone anything important. It’s ridiculous.

Monday, May 30

And it just gets that much more so this morning, as I’m up at 5:30 yet again. Perhaps I need to find myself a decent sleep mask or something. But it’s too late for me today, as – even with the shades drawn throughout the bedroom – the sunlight is streaming in from every direction.

At least I force myself to walk to the store and back for a few things Daniel and I might want for breakfast, putting in just under a mile for the first time in about a week – has it really been so long? I need to get back on that, assuming this ache in my hamstring will subside.

Our backyard neighbor Ted says ‘hi,’ as I encountered him along the way. He’s still asking for whatever sticks we find in our back yard the next time we mow (which had better be soon; literally every blade is tall enough to sprout grain from their heads these days. I’m going to call the service today, and see what I can do to make sure I’m on the schedule; Mom and Dad have been trying, to absolutely no avail).

I wouldn’t have been able to do this down in Franklin – everything’s so spread out down there. I mean, there’s plenty of walking one can do, yes, but destinations are so much farther between as to not even be worth trying – and I’d prefer to have a destination and goal when I go walking; that, or a companion to walk with (and let the conversation that ensues be the goal).

Speaking of which, Lars called up this afternoon about meeting again on Wednesday for another walk like we had a couple weeks ago. You may hear about that later on this week.

For the time being, however, I actually finally got some extra sleep this afternoon when I crashed after breakfast (guess I should go lighter on sugary cereals after all). To be honest, though, I still woke up so much earlier than expected; I would have guess I’d slept until after 4, when it turned out to only be about 2:30. Even my naps are shorter than they ought to be.

But in either case, it all adds up to the fact that I wouldn’t have been the best guest for Kevin had we gone down there this weekend. Since it makes no difference to Daniel or myself whether there’s a holiday or not for us to travel, it’s just as well that we wait for another couple of weeks before going down there and sharing his company.

Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Until then, keep an eye out for us, honey, and wish us luck. We’re still gonna need it.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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