And So It Begins

Dearest Rachel –

So here we are. I never thought I’d be doing this again; maybe that’s part of the point. Maybe this partly some form of karmic punishment for not having taking you on enough dates back when I had a chance. It’s true that when you’re married – especially for a lengthy period of time – you begin to neglect that responsibility to get out together as just the two of you.

And part of this is because you no longer have anything to prove. Dating, after all, is basically a ritual to determine the suitability of your suitor, which by definition is no longer necessary once you’re married. You’ve found your ‘someone;’ what do either of you have to prove to the other at this point?

But at this point, I’m left to find another someone, which means going through this hybrid of a job interview and audition we refer to as ‘a date.’ And of course, when you’re out on this date, you can’t think of it as either interview or audition, because if you do, your guard is up so high that you can’t enjoy yourself. And if you can’t be comfortable enough to enjoy yourself now, how could you ever do so with this other person as a life partner?

Just be yourself, is the usual advice given when starting out on an endeavor like this. And it makes sense, I suppose; there’s no point in maintaining a mask for the life of relationship. It gets exhausting to keep up an act for a prolonged period of time, just because you like a person and want them to like you. And if you need to put yourself through such an ordeal for such an extended length of time, the other person is not worth it. Best to show your own, authentic face, and if they don’t like it, well, the relationship would not have worked out in any event. You both would be better off looking for someone else.

The problem is, I think we’re both desperate to make sure this thing works out somehow. Well, ‘desperate’ might be overstating things, but considering that we’ve both resorted to a dating website/app, suggests that the normal courses of action that existed when we were of typical dating age (high school, college and shortly thereafter) aren’t working any more. Then again, maybe this is the normal course of action these days. It still doesn’t feel right, though.

Lord, You know what it is that I need
But You also know what I desire:
That something quite soon plant a seed;
A match that will grow to a fire

But if that flame not be Your will
I ask that you You cause me to know
Help me to follow You still
And walk in the way I should go.

My prayer this morning

As always, darling, wish me luck. I’m pretty sure I’m going to need it.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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