Belt Tightening

Dearest Rachel –

It’s not something I really feel like checking very often. Mostly because, like most people, I’m not sure I’d like what I find out. But I know where I was barely 6 months ago, and I know things have improved since then. So the question is, by how much?

So, for the first time in five? ten years? I’m standing in front of the bathroom scale, which Jan and I just dug up maybe about two or three weeks ago, wondering what I need to do with it.

Yes, I know I’m supposed to step on it. The thing is, it’s one of those electronic types, and when we dug it up, it didn’t seem to be displaying anything. I figure I need a check underneath, and replace the battery (or batteries) before I do anything else. So, what type of battery do I need for this thing?

“Do not open. No user-serviceable parts. No battery to replace.” Well, huh.

OK, well, that answers that… I think. So, I wonder, why wasn’t it displaying anything previously?

It turns out, I probably wasn’t tapping it heavily enough to get it to start. Once I’ve got it set on the floor, and I push it with one foot, then it seems to set up just fine. Okay, cool.

So this is the moment of truth. I know for a fact that I registered a whopping 280 pounds when I went in for my physical back in late November, or early December – I forget which. Then in January, when I got my second shingles booster, I lost a few pounds, nothing significant, but enough to drop me below 280 – I think it was something along the lines of 274. And the only reason that’s at all remarkable is that we went through the holidays between the one measurement and the next, so by rights it should’ve gone up. But these were weird holidays, because this is been a really weird time. But despite that, my general practitioner suggested I come in for a stress test in order to begin a diet and exercise regimen geared toward significant weight loss.

And you know what happened after that. That next week, I was dealing with more stress than I think I ever have – or ever will in my lifetime. I canceled the stress test.

However – and I think I mentioned this at the time – I decided not to cancel the colonoscopy, although I confess I no longer saw the point of keeping up on my health when – as far as I could see at the time – there didn’t seem to be anyone worth keeping it up for. But if nothing else, I had family and friends reminding me that this was for my own good, so yeah, I kept the appointment.

And when I went in, they had to get another official weight for me – if for no other reason than to determine the proper amount of anesthesia to use on me. Lo and behold, I dropped to, I think it was, 254 pounds. Yep, stress and misery will really help you shed those pounds.

Anyway, I was thinking that after another three months have passed, I should check on my… progress? I don’t know what to call it. I don’t see my life – or anything in it – as improving.

And yet, there have been changes, some of which most people would say were for the better. Certainly, the house is so much cleaner than it was when you left. And while I’ve admitted that I’m no shape – and may never be in shape – to run a marathon, I have developed something of an actual exercise regimen. So there’s that.

At the same time, I’m also returning to certain old habits. In adjusting to the new reality without you, I’m going back to eating a fair amount of takeout food (admittedly, part of that has been due to my participation in VBS, and the convenience of grabbing something on the way home for Daniel and I). I’m grateful that it no longer tastes like ashes or anything, but I know it’s not a good idea to get too comfortable with that diet anymore.

Still, I’m pretty sure I’m making progress yet. The belt on my black jeans is actually down to its last notch, so I think I’m still moving in the right direction. But now I need empirical proof as to whether all this belt tightening actually mean what I think it means…

My Day in Court' and Inigo Montoya - Triangle Smart Divorce
And even he knows there’s only one way to find out.

All right, here goes nothing.

*deep breath*

One small step for a man…

…one more psychological barrier crossed.

I mean, it’s nothing like those first few months, but at least it’s still going in the same direction, right?

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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