Dearest Rachel –
Yesterday, as I was returning from the gym, I ran into Logan as he was taking his first break of his workday in order to slap together some breakfast – well, technically, he’d “slapped it together” on Sunday, along with similar pre-prepared meals for the entirety of his work week; all he was doing at this point was heating it up to finally eat – and as I headed to the shower, I heard him talking with Daniel about their plans for the evening. Evidently, there’s some movie that’s either just come out, or is just coming out, that they’ve agreed that they both want to see, and since I was going to be at rehearsal for Good Friday, they were making plans to go see it in my absence.
Or maybe these we plans for this evening, since once Daniel will be attending one of this afternoon or evening’s four services, he’s on his own just as much as he was going to be last night. I don’t keep track of his schedule, as it’s hard enough for me to keep up with my own, to be honest.
But somewhere along the way, as I thought about this situation that the two of them were discussing, it occurred to me as to what he might be doing in my absence if we hadn’t agreed to let Logan stay and rent a room with us here: nothing. I don’t know if it’s his condition or temperament, but he’s just not one to take initiative and get out of the house, for any reason. I could easily picture him, if left completely on his own, wasting away in this house, only getting out to go to church and get his weekly sandwich and smoothie combination.
For all that I worry that I haven’t been able to get over your departure – and aren’t these letters proof enough of that? – at least I’ve been able to do things with my life since then that could be construed as improvements. I’ve been able to let go of certain external things, while at the same time making an effort to shed others that I’ve internalized (weight loss, anyone? Granted, I suppose that grief can make food that much less appetizing, thereby aiding that pursuit, but that’s nowhere near always the case). I’ve even made a point to do the traveling that we meant to do together once we were sufficiently free of responsibility and requirement (specifically, and respectively, Chompers and Covid). In short, I’ve been able to, on my own (albeit with some prodding in certain areas), take actions that could be construed as “moving on.”
By contrast, Daniel isn’t what you would call a man of action. He will follow in my footsteps, especially if I’m insistent about it – and to be fair, there are places he’s particularly keen on that I’m more than willing to take him to – but if left to his own devices, he will stay in place, unmoving and seemingly unmoved. It may just be my own personal opinion, but that doesn’t strike me as healthy.
Moreover, he’s not one to let go of things – an attitude which, to be fair, he comes by honestly, through you. Ironically, it’s rather prevented us from carrying out your wishes regarding your ashes, as he suddenly displayed a reluctance to let me empty your urn out into Lake Erie as you asked us to. The best I could do was to release about half of them out there, while taking home a quantity of lake water in the urn itself to make up for the lost weight. At least this meant that the rest of your ashes are also resting in the lake; it just happens to be a small amount of it, and it’s here at home instead of there where you wanted it to be.
If I were to leave him alone – and at some point, I intend to, to give both of us our space (in lieu of pushing him out of the nest) – I can’t see where he’d fare particularly well, even in a domicile as well-appointed as ours is, honey. I’d be worried about his chances.
But by taking in a roomer, particularly one of his friends from college like Logan, that dynamic has changed. Rather than being spurred to action at my insistence – thereby running the risk of resentment, due to the obvious power imbalance between the two of us – Daniel is being asked to get out there and do stuff simply by virtue of sharing a mutual enjoyment between friends. And, to his credit (albeit tempered slightly by his pliable nature, perhaps), he goes along, and usually enjoys himself. These are things that wouldn’t occur to him to do on his own – and even if they did, he wouldn’t do on his own (which even I can understand – traveling solo, while occasionally liberating, is also sorely lacking as well. If I can recognize those disadvantages, I don’t blame him for thinking they outweigh the positives). But at the encouragement of a peer, it becomes that much more worthwhile to first consider, and then do.
Granted, there are times when they don’t agree, too. Logan comes from a tradition that, while not diametrically opposed to ours, has a number of divergences from ours that could easily be points of contention. Meanwhile, Daniel can get rather dogmatic and strident about certain positions and beliefs himself, some of which could come into conflict with that of his friend. But in the process of living together, each of them has learned to temper their positions. Some are set aside for the sake of friendship, while others result in a meeting in the middle. It’s been a learning experience for both of them.
You might recall that, back when he was attending Judson University, he would come home regularly over the weekends, rather than staying on campus. I think both of us were dismayed that, by doing so, he didn’t get the full benefit of the roommate experience that we did during our college days. Somehow, by taking Logan in, we’ve rather brought the roommate experience to him when he essentially refused to accept it during those days. By doing so, he’s learning to deal with another person, and that person is drawing him out of the shell that had begun to form around him – and could otherwise have formed into an impregnable fortress in the years since your departure.
Meanwhile, it’s weird to realize that originally, when we decided to let him move in with us, Logan was only supposed to stay for a year or so, until he could live completely independently and move out on his own. I will mention that, as with my letter to you, this isn’t a relationship we discussed in prayer as much as we probably should have; it just fell into our lap. But as with that relationship, it has certainly worked out (even if I could argue that it’s quite likely that living with the boys might be handicapping my chances with the odd ‘Megumi’ candidate or two. Then again, am I even trying on that front anymore?) Neither of the boys is quite independent, despite the fact that this was meant to nudge each of them in that direction. But all in all, what delays there have been on that road have been outweighed by the other, unforeseen positives; and I challenge anyone to convince me otherwise.
Still, it wouldn’t hurt for you to keep an eye on all of us, honey, and wish us luck. Despite all this, I dare say we still could use it.
Letters to Rachel 