Dearest Rachel –
Look, I remember full well, going back to when we were exchanging mix tapes, that you didn’t like to be referred to as ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ (although in my defense, I’ll point out that it was you that sent me the titular song by Styx along with your explanation spelling this distaste out. I never actually called you that, to my recollection; this was basically you trying to preempt such behavior going forward). So why am I referencing this particular line when it comes to your appearance in my dreams last night? Well, these things have to have a title if some sort, and it did have to do with driving and connecting to a car; why not use something we both recognize without even having to think about it (I’ll bet you can even hear the “beep-beep, beep-beep, yeah!” as you read it)? Besides, for all I could tell, it might have been you bestowing your permission onto me as the other way around.
Why do I say that? Well, give me a moment…
To be fair, it felt more like my car at first, since there were three rows of seats. Strangely enough, I was riding around in the back row, trying to get some rest. Yes, even in my dreams, I’m trying to get that much more sleep; that definitely feels like a sign. Although to be fair, it was as if the dream was starting in medias res (although why it would do that when it’s supposed to be my life, I’ve no idea), and I had done a stretch in the drivers’ seat on an extended road trip. I’ve no idea who had taken over the wheel, or who else was with in the car, but I clearly trusted them enough to take control and drive us further on to wherever it was we were going while I tried to recover from my extended stretch behind the wheel.
Alas, it was not to be. Shortly thereafter, presumably in an effort to get over to an oasis, the car drove off the road, and over the grassy portion of the cloverleaf exit. There was a fair bit of incoherent yelling, but it seemed it was supposed to be up to me to guide the car out of its predicament. This, while I’m sitting in the back seat of the vehicle, barely able to see out the windscreen, and decidedly unable to reach, let alone maneuver, the steering wheel. What was I expected to do, guide the thing back onto the road using telekinesis? And why wasn’t whoever was in the drivers’ seat even trying to do anything?
Now, in a lucid dream, I would have figured out that’s the situation I was in, and commandeered the rules of dream logic to get us onto the exit road and presumably into the oasis parking lot safely. And I guess that really would have been a literal case of telekinetic powers, if I could have done that. But that’s not how it worked, although that’s basically where we ended up. I couldn’t tell you how we ended up parked there, completely unscathed, only that we did; I had nothing to do with it, apart from the fact that my mind simply cut that part of the film out of the story entirely, leaving me wondering what had just happened as we piled out of the car and into the building for a meal and a bathroom break.
All at once, there was a voice at my side: “You’re welcome.” I turned to see you there, smirking ever so slightly with triumph as we walked in behind the rest of the group.
I looked around to see if this was some sort of prank or something – still clearly unaware that I was in the middle of a dream. Had it not been for the events that brought us here – including the fact that I wasn’t aware of who any of the others riding with us were offhand, despite trusting them with the driving duties (which was clearly a mistake, by the way) – this would have felt like a perfectly ordinary moment in the middle of a garden variety road trip involving the two of us. At the same time, I knew you shouldn’t be here – you weren’t one of the people I’d been traveling with, because you’ve been gone nearly five years, now – even as if seemed like you’d been there the whole time, and your presence felt so familiar. “Wait… so, have you…?”
The smirk mellowed to a warm smile as you nodded. “You could say that; I think I’m connected to the car somehow.”
I probably should have made some expression of gratitude at this point; clearly, you had somehow steered the car out of danger and into the place we were wanting to go. But I had so many questions. “But then… how come this is the first I’m seeing you?” I looked behind me at the car; despite being as spacious inside as mine, it now looked more like yours. And also… “we’re farther away from the car now than if it was sitting in the driveway back at home; why don’t I ever see you there?”
A shrug, a quirk of your eye, and a tilt of your head. “I don’t know. No one’s explained the rules to me; there’s just so much I can and can’t do here.” It was at this moment you looked around at the food court, and your face registered a note of disappointment. “Aw… the Pizza Hut is gone from this place.” For my part, I couldn’t recognize where we were, and what was available, let alone what was ‘supposed to’ have been here. If nothing else, I was still trying to register the fact that you were here; everything else was rather superfluous at the moment.
It may have been right away, or it may have been after you realized I was still trying to process the situation, but eventually you dragged me over to a table, sat down, and turned your back to me. “That was hard work, by the way, and it’s been sooo long… would you mind rubbing my shoulders for me?”
Despite the fact that, back in the day, you could let me go until I get carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrists and thumbs, I didn’t hesitate. Although I still had one more question for you… “Uh… can the others see you? This would look pretty silly for me to be waving my hands in the air like this, but if they saw you, I don’t think they’d be so nonchalant about your being here.”
You leaned into my grip and sighed contentedly. “That’s another part of the rules that hasn’t been explained to me; I’ve no idea. I think I’m just meant to be overlooked by anyone who’s not looking for me.”
“Well, it’s not as if I’d been looking for you, either.”
“No, but every now and then, I can get your attention – ooh, that’s the spot – and so I can do this. I wouldn’t worry about the others.”
That was pretty much the end of the moment. I couldn’t even tell you if it faded into the darkness of pre-dawn, or if I just popped into wakefulness, but the next thing I knew, I was basically awake. I did try to return, but at that hour, there was no falling back asleep. So all I could do was to let you know about your apparent visit, and wish that you could stay a little longer next time around.
Until then, though, I’d appreciate it if you could just keep an eye on me – I promise that I’ll keep my own hands on the steering wheel – and wish me luck. I’m clearly still going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 