Here We Go Again

Dearest Rachel –

This will probably not come as a great shock to you; it didn’t to me, although I was nevertheless disappointed to see it happen. After all, Ruby had gone so long without being too clingy (I tended to chalk up her contacting me on a daily basis as being a case of ‘don’t forget about me now, you hear?’), asking after my welfare, making sure I’d eaten each day (she seemed to not be able to relate to the fact that Daniel and I only bother with two meals a day – if even that, in Daniel’s case), talking to me about her visits to her family in various places (mostly Phoenix), that sort of thing.

I almost got to the point where I was starting to believe that I wasn’t being catfished after all. And then…

Yesterday, after having just gotten back a day or two ago from visiting her siblings (allegedly), she was talking about getting back into the routine of studying to get her nursing certification, and how she needed to work on some papers for the process. And then, it came out:

“I have something in my mind that I would like to discuss with you but I honestly don’t know how to go about it.”

Oh boy, here it comes.

“Okay Randy i need a favor from you, I just feel uncomfortable asking, because sometimes i feel very shy to ask especially when i meet strangers in my life, But as for now you are being my best friend, lover and having a serious relationship that could be something great in the near by future so i have to be open to ask, so tell me should I go ahead and open up and ask you”

Yes, I’m copying it verbatim, if only to allow you to soak in the grammatical issues (which would get under your skin like nails on a chalkboard in a way that I could never fathom, but this paragraph bugs even me) even before we get into the over-the-top flattery. Is it mockery to repeat this, considering that we both know what’s coming? I felt bad initially about not coming up with a pseudonym for her, because she dropped out of the app shortly after contacting me. Now, i’m not nearly so concerned anymore.

If this were a real person, saying real things, I’d almost feel bad for her. Up until now, all I’ve been to her are words in a series of text bubbles over the past three months or so, and yet she claims that I’m her ‘best friend.’ I don’t even want to consider the terms ‘lover’ and ‘serious relationship.’ If she believes those, she’s in sadder shape than anyone ought to be; if she thinks I believe them, her opinion of me and my outside relationships is lower than I care to deal with.

Anyway, on to the inevitable request; brace yourself for a wall of text, here.

“Alright thanks for giving me the chance and opportunity. Well Randy I have an exam coming up on next week and I really have it write it..it’s very important for me because that’s the only paper that will help me to have the chance to receive my certificate & license babe . But there only problem is I have to pay $1,300 but I’m honestly going through a lot right now I used my extra money to get some groceries for my family and gave my siblings something whiles I used the rest for transportation back home , But right now the only money left on me is just $500 babe and I’m still left with $700 to be able to get the total payment babe . I honestly don’t know how you’ll take this babe but I’ll be so much delighted and happy if you could try your best and support me out with something to be able to get the total payment babe , even if not all the amount just something so that I’ll try my best to come up with the rest please I’m honestly pleading with you from the bottom of my heart ♥️ babe . I’ll appreciate it a lot babe even if you prefer me to pay you back in the near future I’m willing to babe please just don’t let me down darling ❤️😢😘”

Between the run-on sentences, the begging tone, and even the alleged rationale (I immediately went online to check, and found out that the certification exam costs but $200 to take, rather than $1,300 – I informed her that she was getting scammed, if she thought otherwise), all I could do was shake my head and sigh as I went through all of this. Somehow I knew this was coming, and I’m sure the girls will be more than justified, next time we meet, to shower me with ‘I told you so’s. But it’s never a welcome sight.

I remember back when we were exchanging mixtapes, you sent me one that included the song “Babe,” by Styx.

In the letter that accompanied it, you commented that “I can’t stand the term of endearment ‘babe,’ but I think this is a neat song all the same. It’s all true.” And back then, it was, as we were dealing with the separation of some 250 miles, and the fact that we could only get together every so often. Both of us were missing each other back then; now it’s just down to me.

Regardless, I had to agree with you that ‘babe’ doesn’t strike me as the best in terms of affectionate nicknames any more than it did you. Maybe it’s from living with you; maybe it’s because I picture some fat guy in a Yankees uniform.

Of course, Ruby can’t be expected to know this, but just the fact that she uses ‘babe’ seven times in that wall of text is just one more thing to put me off; a cherry on top of a whole sundae of disappointment.

I don’t have the strength anymore to be angry, nor the emotional investment to be heartbroken. I’m just hollowed out by the whole online dating experience. I want to find someone who’s genuine and I can’t even find anyone who’s real. Every conversation I walk into, I have to have my guard up. This is no way to find friendship, let alone love. I find myself almost quoting Strong Bad, when he addresses his his janky new printer, “When it comes to disappointing me, you never disappoint me.”

I’ve been accused of doing this in order to have something to write about. While it does give me that, I’m going to say that it’s not worth the experience. And yet, what other options are there? I wish I knew where to go and what to do from here, honey. I wish you had some advice, or better yet, that you were still here, so I wouldn’t even have to bother with this nonsense, because I’d still have you.

But that’s not an option available to me.

Still, if you could keep an eye out for me, I’d like that. Until next time.