Dearest Rachel –
No, I’m not talking about taking a road trip back to our old collegiate stomping grounds. Apart from a meal at Avanti’s, there’s little reason to do so (and even that is hardly compelling, given the distance and time to get there and back. It violates all of my rules regarding travel and time). Sure, the roads and buildings are mostly still where they used to be, but I doubt I’d recognize much of the place; even less so from an academic and philosophical standpoint, especially after the general upheaval of the past decade or so. I don’t envy university students of this day and age, let me tell you.
No, the return to ‘normal’ (or what passes for it) is a much more pedestrian, internal journey. After a week of off-and-on confinement, there’s this need to get back to my usual routine, such as it is. There are tasks and commitments I’ve signed up for that need to be performed – promises made that need to be kept – and while some of them have actually been accomplished remotely (thank God for computers and the internet age He’s allowed us to create!), some things have to be done in person. This requires that I get up, get out of the house, and go do those things.
Not that I have to be told twice; unlike Daniel (and you’ll remember this from the lockdown days), there’s only so long I can be constrained before I have to get outside and just go somewhere… anywhere. Even if it was just to drive (or walk – after all, Chompers needed to get outside at least a couple times a day) a mile or two to a nearby store or restaurant, I would be up for it soon enough, regardless of my condition. It might be why I keep looking into exotic vehicles that have a relatively limited range; it’s not always a need to go far, as much as it is a need to just go in the first place, and if it can be done in a distinctive manner, all the better.
And you remember this because you were of like-minded character; even more so, in fact. Always on the go, whenever you could be – although your travels often were to meet with people as much as they were to go places and do things, which I wasn’t (and still am not) nearly as capable of.
In any event, this is what I’m trying to get back to after the setbacks of the past week. There’s nothing wrong with quiet and rest (although the illness that precipitated it needed to be shaken off, no question about it), but that can only be endured for so long before one has to get back to one’s routine, especially considering one’s external commitments.
At the same time, there are the more self-imposed aspects of one’s lifestyle that have to be resumed as well, which are a bit more of a challenge to restart, particularly when they are activities that haven’t been part of my life for all that long – certainly, this isn’t something you would recall me engaging in, despite the fact that you held a membership at the park district, and made use of it the best you could during that one year you both were available to – and I’ve made abundantly clear that I don’t really enjoy in the moment. It’s not as if anyone – not even you – would hold it against me if I continued to act as if I were still recovering from my cold, and stayed home. Besides, when have I ever bothered hitting the gym on a Saturday morning?
But with the men’s study suspended for a summer break of sorts, and the two of us no longer able to engage in our own Saturday morning ‘exercise regimen,’ what’s stopping me, other than my own distaste for the process? If nothing else, while I’ve been hovering within a two-pound range from morning to morning throughout the week (never mind the times I’ve stepped on the scale in the evenings, thank you very much), I’d like to see myself back under the two-fifteen line again. It wouldn’t take all that much effort to do so; just the usual hour’s worth of uphill walking.
Still, after a week away from last doing so, five miles is a long road to cover, especially given the circumstances of speed and incline that I impose upon myself. Who would care if I went a little easy today, particularly since I’d rather not push myself?
Then again, how else do I expect to get the results I want? I’ve been doing this long enough to know how much effort burns how many calories, and in turn causes me to drop how many pounds… because that’s what’s become a form of ‘normalcy’ for me these days. And the sooner I get myself back to it, the sooner I’ll be feeling properly myself again – even if it’s a self that might be different from the one you remember and would recognize.
It’s strange to realize that I really have become a different person from when we were together – and disheartening to think that I might in some ways be a better person, as it means you didn’t get to see me at my best, if so. Similarly, it would be nice to have someone else be a literal beneficiary of these improvements, but I guess that can’t be allowed to be the be-all and end-all of my efforts toward them. For now, it’s reassuring that I have gotten far enough to be willing to continue with them, even as I haven’t gone so far as to be addicted to the process (and hopefully never will); I keep trying to maintain the balance of a handful of toil and a handful of rest. After a week of resting with both hands, it’s time to get back to filling one with all that “toil” involves.
As I do so, honey, I hope you’ll continue to keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I dare say I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 