The Right to My Day

Dearest Rachel –

I don’t think that I’ll ever fully comprehend the ‘gym rat’ mentality – nor, as I’m sure you would expect, do I wish to; to do so would be to become one, and for all the desirable effects, there are more than enough adverse ones, primarily having to do with attitude, that offset them – but I may well be halfway there. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not quite an addiction or a compulsion so much as it is a desire to be worthy of one’s keep.

Let’s see if I can explain this. As you know, it’s summer here (although, having left the ceiling fan on overnight, the bedroom is actually just this short of chilly as of five o’clock; and yes, that’s when I woke up today. It’s pretty much a regular thing, like it or not. At least it’s just about light out, which is more than can be said for when I go to bed, even at this time of year). It’s hot, and likely to get more so. Even with the mechanically-induced chill, one feels the need to wash up before starting the day. But the thing is, I haven’t done anything to merit that refreshing shower. Back when I was still in the work farce, doing the white-collar work necessary to earn my pay, it was necessary simply to wake up and be presentable for my office mates, but that’s no longer the case in my current situation. Now that I make a habit of working up a sweat in the morning at the gym, that shower has to be earned by putting in the time and effort over there first. Otherwise, what right, what need do I have to clean myself up? I haven’t done anything yet.

And then there’s the ‘right’ to eat. It may be a cornerstone of the first of the three rights promulgated in the Declaration of Independence that we’ll be celebrating tomorrow (and, to a lesser extent, part of the third one, the ‘pursuit of happiness,’ as well), but when you’re chasing a caloric deficit so as to lose weight, you don’t necessarily feel entitled to eat until you’ve burned off at least the equivalent number of calories beforehand. The only exceptions to these rules are on the day I go to meet Lars (since that’s so much later in the day, and I need the tucker of breakfast so as to be able to manage a hour or so worth of ‘work’ at the ‘office’ before heading out to meet up with him. Even then, I don’t always bother to shower, as I’m going to work up a sweat walking through the forest preserve) and the weekends (which are precluded by a later opening time for the gym that conflicts with the Saturday Bible study. At the same time, on the weekends I’m in the booth, I try to fast for at least a 24-hour period), but in both of those regular exceptions, I still don’t indulge in those two things that used to always start my morning to the same extent as I used to, because until I get in my exercise, I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right to my day.

Now, I may have the ‘gym rat’ mentality all wrong; as I’ve said, I’m not one of them, nor do I ever wish to be. But it does feel like a plausible explanation for why people return, day after day, to get in their exercise, even when it isn’t something they enjoy; that bit of exertion makes us feel like we have a right to get on with the day, and that we’re now entitled to indulge in some of its mundane pleasures, now that we’ve put ourselves through the wringer like that.

Not too long ago – perhaps even within living memory (although beyond my own) – this wasn’t a matter of debate. One had to work (and have work) in order to have enough food just for the day at hand; it’s why the Lord’s prayer had us ask Him for “daily bread,” because that wasn’t always guaranteed to a person like it is today (it’s also why the proverb author Agur asked only to have enough food for the present day; too much on hand could lead to him – and us – forgetting to reach out to God if our needs are already met). Not only that, but then there were the preparations that had to be done; every day required one to cut and split the wood for the file to cook what you had obtained. And let’s not forget about the lack of personal cold storage until fairly recently, in terms of civilization, necessitating daily (or nearly so) trips to the local market, at which point, you would at least get your steps in from day to day.

None of these are issues any more. Refrigerators and freezers hold food enough for weeks; stoves and ovens ignite on command with only the exertion (if you can call it that; perhaps “stress” would be more appropriate) of keeping the electric and gas bills paid, and both the work we do to earn our pay and the markets where we spend it to fill our stomachs is arrived at via automotive transport. We don’t have to strain ourselves to fill ourselves, and as a result, we achieve that round shape that used to be an indicator of wealth in ancient times (and let’s face it, the ancients would consider us impossibly wealthy, to the last of us) but these days merely serves as a symptom of indolence. Somehow, one you start pushing yourself, you don’t want to be that person anymore, even as you acknowledge that it isn’t as fun to be the new person you are.

I don’t know what you’d think of this version of me, honey. I’m sure you’d appreciate his appearance, especially in comparison to the person you lived with for the past couple of decades. But would you be pleased with the regular departures (or would you even wake up early enough to notice?) and the early bedtimes (although how much different would that be from what used to be between us)? Would I be judgmental of your own appearance, or try to bring you along to work on your own physique? And how would you take that?

It’s all academic at this point anyway – and maybe this is just something to do to get myself out of the house and keep my mind off of the emptiness on your side of the bed (all of which suggests that, if you were to have stayed around, this wouldn’t have happened, any more than the house would be cleaned up and remodeled). I don’t know, and I can’t know. But it’s what I need to do these days to get on with my day, and while I do, honey, I’d appreciate it if you could keep an eye on me and wish me luck. If nothing else, I’m going to need it as I get started. Thanks so much.