So What’s Holding Me Back?

Dearest Rachel –

Ostensibly, one of the great privileges of my semi-retired state is that theoretically, I can pack up and go here and there on a whim, at a moment’s notice. It would please me no end to be able to just cab out to the airport and fly wherever at some point – I’ve been telling you about getting a JR pass for Daniel and myself at some point, and while that would take a little bit of advance preparation (as well as making sure we had all the visa requirements, such as they are, taken care of – expense aside, international travel is a little more involved than I wish it was), it would be cool to just grab a flight to Kagoshima or Sapporo and work our way either up or down the country (depending upon the time of year we choose to head out).

So when yesterday, there was a discussion on the group text chat about heading downstate this weekend to help Ellen’s mom pack up and move up here (the two of them have been planning this move for months, including the purchase of a new place where both of them have their own space), I should have been jumping at the chance, shouldn’t I? This is just the sort of pack-up-and-head-out-on-a-whim type of thing that I’m dying to be able to do. But for some reason, I couldn’t help but sense a certain amount of reluctance within me to actually do so, when the need arose. And I had to wonder why; what’s holding me back?

I don’t want to believe that it’s a matter of shying away from the physical work involved. To be sure, I’m more keen on leisure travel (who isn’t?), and this certainly wouldn’t be that. I’ve no idea how much still needs to be hauled out of her place, and onto the U-Haul, but the fact that they’re taking one (and Kerstin’s driving it, since she has experience with larger vehicles like this) suggests there’s going to be a fair amount of it. As far as I know, I’m the only man in the group being assembled to do this (unless Daniel chooses to come, but even then, he’s not a strong as I am), so maybe I’m concerned that the lion’s share of the (literal) heavy lifting is going to be on me. But the way Kerstin puts it, I should consider it a ministry I can offer them, and not be reluctant to do so, even if it’s not necessarily how I would choose to spend a weekend.

Whenever you are able, ·do [^Ldo not withhold] good to people who ·need help [or deserve it]. If you have what your neighbor asks for, don’t say, “Come back later. I will give it to you tomorrow.”

Proverbs 3:27-28, Expanded Bible

Besides, if you were still here, you’d be on your way down like a shot – and quite possibly twisting my arm to get me to join you. To be sure, you had ways to make it worth my while.

Maybe it’s the whole ‘skipping out on Sunday’ that bothers me. Granted, it’s not as if I’m on duty in the booth this weekend, so I don’t report to anyone but the folks. I’ve spoken to them about it, and once I explained the purpose behind it, they were all for it, even going so far as to recommend leaning on Daniel to join me (if he wants to – I’m still not sure I should). In any event, it’s not like it’s Easter that I’m missing – and even if it were, it wouldn’t be the first time. In fact, this is going to be the first time in three years that I’ve been home over the holiday; the fact that I’m skipping out on Palm Sunday like this shouldn’t be so much of a concern.

Maybe it’s the loss of a weekend in which I hold out some hope of finally being able to meet up with “Lee,” and see if there really is any chemistry between the two of us. The last couple of weeks have been marked by her own reluctance, as she was preparing to start her new job (and deal with the paperwork of the employee registration). Granted, she tells me she hasn’t filed her taxes for the past year, so she might be bogged down with that this week. Given the current circumstances, I suppose I should hope that’s the case, so I won’t actually be missing out on an opportunity to get together with her – although it will mean that I won’t be likely to meet up with her until the beginning of May, or later.

To be honest, I wonder if the real issue is that it’s Macomb; your old home (although I don’t think I’ll actually be visiting there). Without you being here, I don’t really have any connection to the town, nor do I wish to. Sure, I could find my way around certain places virtually blindfolded, honey, but why on earth would I want to? You’re not there, the house isn’t ours, and I’ve no need or desire to pick through the place to find and carry back memorabilia from there. As for the rest of the town, what attachment does it hold for me, but a past I can’t go back to? Even you were looking forward to leaving the place behind when you left the house to Twofeathers and Stan – we talked about having the right of return, but it didn’t seem to interest you. Considering that I’m not native to the area like you were, how much less so would I want to be there? My only real connection to it is through you, and with you gone, it’s just a reminder of the one thing I don’t have anymore.

And I think that’s what’s keeping me from accepting this mission with a full heart – although, now that I’ve cleared things with “Lee” and the folks, there’s no reason not to do it. Maybe I’ll take you with, and leave a few ashes in your old yard, what do you day?

In any event, honey, keep an eye on us as we prepare to head down there, and bundle Ellen’s mom up here. And wish us luck; we’re going to need it.