Competing With Myself

Dearest Rachel –

Even though the wind isn’t whistling at its worst this morning, it’s more than sufficient to remind me that spring isn’t quite here yet. What motion the air has in this thirty degree environment is enough for me to feel like my arms are clad in steel wool; even as calm as it is, it still stings more than a bit. It doesn’t help that where I’m walking isn’t a place where I really want to go; I may be some two years into this whole exercise regimen, but I never expected to like it, and my expectations have been met in that regard. Even the results I used to get from putting in the effort have started to diminish; at this point, I’m not so much dropping weight as just barely managing to keep it down.

So why am I continuing to do it, if I don’t like it, and it’s not getting results?

Well, to say that it’s ‘not getting results’ is probably overstating things a bit, for starters. The fact of the matter is, if I weigh myself before and after working out, there’s a definite drop in my weight between the two times. Burning some thirteen, fourteen hundred calories will have an effect; it’s just that I haven’t been able to curb my caloric intake so much as I did at first. I’ve cut certain things out of my regular diet, but most of those changes came at the start; there doesn’t seem to be that much left for me to cut at this point. Not only that, but I can’t bring myself to remove them completely, which causes me to lose ground every now and then. In any event, it’s not the exercise that’s preventing me from losing weight – unless I’m actually starting to develop muscle, which is denser and heavier than the same volume of fat, and thus would at least look that much better on my frame.

On the contrary, when I go without exercise – like when I go overboard on eating – it immediately starts to show on the scale. Whether I want to or not, whether I like it or not (and I’ll admit it, I don’t, much – as if you haven’t figured it out by now), this is something I need to do to maintain my current position and keep me with even the slightest bit of hope toward improving it. So how do I manage to get myself to get out there and keep doing this, regardless?

It turns out that this exercise app that Erin turned me onto in order to keep up with her vacation photos has proven useful for so much more than just seeing those pictures. I’ve been able to map out my own occasional walking tour…

…but it also keeps track of my activity throughout the week, and compares it against the previous week. As of this morning, I was running (well, I suppose “walking” would be more accurate) behind by four and a half miles, thanks to having skipped out on the gym yesterday – and for whatever reason, I just couldn’t let that stand; I had to put in enough miles (and then some) so that I’m at least even with where I was last week, and preferably a little further.

Thanks to that app, I’m competing with my past self, and forcing myself to keep up with my regimen, not just to try and work on my weight and endurance, but because I can’t let my past self outdo my present self. It’s a weird – and slightly petty – sort of motivation, but the fact of the matter is that it works. It gets me out there, even when I’m not feeling it (which is most of the time). Sure, there are weeks when I don’t even try to keep up, but that just makes it easier for me to outdo myself the following week – and I proceed to do just that.

Now, I don’t know if it would have been sufficient motivation back in the day – I won’t deny that I’m data driving when it comes to this whole weight-loss journey, but the real motivation of trying to attract ‘Megumi’s attention didn’t exist back then – but that’s a hypothetical situation at this point, in any event. As it is, it does the job, and gets me going when I’d rather not. The nice thing is, it’ll probably be that much easier as the days go on, and I have less of this stinging cold to deal with between the house and the gym.

For now, though, keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m still going to need it.