Back From Backsliding

Dearest Rachel –

I woke up with an idea to write you about this morning, and even began adding to it between reps at the gym (I’ve gotten into a pattern of doing twenty-five crunches at a time, with pauses in between on the way to a total of a hundred – remember when that was a nearly-impossible task for me? And that was barely a year and a half ago – during which time I dictate a sentence or two that comes to me while I catch my breath), but as I thought about it, I realized that the topic might be a little premature. There might be more to the story that I haven’t actually gotten to yet, and to write about it now would look foolish in retrospect. To be sure, a lot of what I’ve already written you does that already, albeit to a lesser extent, but why deliberately walk into such a situation, when you know there’s a side to it that I don’t know?

So I’ve decided to set that aside and let it join the ten dozen other drafts I’ve begun to one extent or another, many of which may never see the light of day. It remains to be seen if this one will stay there, or if circumstances will allow me to flesh it out further, so as to allow you to see more about it. Besides, there’s been more going on with regard to my weight loss journey that I thought I might fill you in on.

It never really crossed my mind until I tried to do this in earnest that trying to lose weight – and indeed, to get healthy in general – is roughly analogous to the Christian walk. Both pursuits are an attempt to better oneself, both require a considerable amount of discipline to maintain, and both give a certain sense of satisfaction in seeing oneself making progress from time to time.

Granted, the flip side of that latter benefit is that they both will occasionally lead to a sense of self-righteousness, which ironically precludes others from going on the same journey. Who hasn’t found themselves walking into a gym for the first time, seen the alpha males pumping massive weights around like it’s no big deal, and decided, “hoo boy, this place isn’t for me”? But at the same time, after doing some of this on a regular basis – and getting the results that I’ve recounted to you over the past couple of years – I confess to seeing people walking around that in my mind both could stand to lose weight and could accomplish it easily (if only because having to move what they’re carrying around could burn calories pretty darn quickly), and I find myself thinking “what’s wrong with these people? Why don’t they do something about their situation?” I may have the good sense to keep these thoughts to myself, but the fact that they cross my mind doesn’t sit well with me; and it reminds me of how some people take issue with that kind of attitude in various churches.

Which is kind of odd, because in both cases, it’s not as if the good we might be doing for ourselves is going to save us in either case. It’s not as if any of us can ever be “good enough” to be allowed into heaven on our own merits, just as it’s absurd to think that any level of diet or exercise will allow us to live forever here on earth (as if we’d want to, given what awaits us in heaven). Both of them will, however, allow our lives to be a little bit better for it; most people will respect a truly good person – even if they may disagree with them on particulars – and a healthy lifestyle, while occasionally troublesome to maintain, staves off the worst effects of age and decline.

At the same time, those on either of these paths are equally prone to backsliding now and again. And I’m sure you can guess that this statement comes from recent experience.

Yesterday morning saw me lacking the desire to get out to the gym, despite the fact that I’d done so the day before, and what appointments I had to deal with weren’t scheduled any earlier than they had been on Tuesday. Moreover, while I’d offered to pick lunch up for Mom on my way home from the dentist – and it would probably have made the appointment that much quicker if I went without breakfast (less to clean off of my teeth, don’tcha know) – I was hungry, and couldn’t work up the self-denial to just skip it. So I had both breakfast before and lunch after my appointment – a very rare situation for me, since I usually have but two meals on any given day.

But wait, you might say, what about dinner? Couldn’t you just claim lunch as the last meal of the day and leave it at that? On any other day, I probably could (although odds are, I might still snack a bit in the afternoon), but this was a Thursday, and Daniel and I would be going over to the folks’ for dinner. And while I was eating several times in the morning (since Mom and I finished our lunches before noon), Daniel was skipping both opportunities to eat in order to be plenty hungry for when we went over there, and really express his appreciation for Meema’s cooking. So it’s not as if I could just tell him we weren’t going.

So we went, and I ate my share as I always do, too. But three meals in a day is more than my body is used to these days. So it shouldn’t be the least surprising that, when I hit the scale this morning, the first number I saw was two-seventeen; several pounds above the line I’d hoped to stay underneath. Still, it was a reminder that I couldn’t slack off for another day, and so I made my way to the gym. Hopefully, I would be able to get myself back under that line after goes through my paces.

It’s a funny thing about working out, though; some days, you can walk off several pounds worth of both calories and water weigh, while on others, the same effort barely seems to make a mark on the scale. Today, thankfully, was one of the former days; when I stepped on the scale before washing up, I’d dropped almost five pounds, to register 212.5. Sure, it’s not back to two-ten, but it’s back well below two-fifteen. For all the backsliding I’d done yesterday, I was already back from it to a more manageable level. Even having breakfast at this point would likely still leave me below that magic two-fifteen mark, at least. Granted, it’s not as if I’m making real progress, as such, but I’m not falling behind, either.

Now, I get that this comparison between physical and spiritual fitness is hardly a new thing; Paul used a similar comparison in his day, referencing the competitors in the Olympian and Isthmian Games, and what they went through to prepare themselves. And while the idea of having to lose weight would have been alien to his audience (most of them were just trying to get enough to eat from day to day), so too would the training regimen of modern athletes (although the analogy would still hold, in terms of discipline). What we more ordinary humans go through to just get fit would be more relatable. Moreover, it’s hard to relate to until you try to go through it, and endure the ebb and flow of progress and regress on the one, at which point you understand how similar they both are – and how, if you can walk the one path, the other isn’t all that much different.

Now, if only I could get a few others into the “gym”…

Until then, though, keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.