Without Consultation

Dearest Rachel –

So the fellow from the HVAC company came over yesterday; I showed him the old system we had on the side of the house, and he agreed that it’s past its time. Apparently, air conditioning systems have an expected life between eighteen and twenty years. That we got over twenty-five years out of it is, if not necessarily remarkable, well above average. He informed me about the various options available to me, and the graduated levels of efficiency of the various units, all of which were more so than our current one (which is not to condemn it so much as to note the improvement to the technology now being applied to their construction).

Upon returning inside, he drafted up an estimate based on his two top recommendations, and offered to return once I’d mulled it over as to which one I would be better off with, since increased efficiency (which would lower electric bills) came with an increased price for the unit, and he expected I would need to consider my options before making such a major expenditure.

The thing is, thanks to you and your family, these sort of transactions, while perhaps still ‘major’ in comparison to the amounts that usually pass through my hands on any given day, hardly qualify as such in the grand scheme of things. A good day’s fluctuation in the market would be sufficient to cover the cost of the new unit, even if I were to decide on the more efficient one (which I did). Expenditures such as this, while obviously unusual, aren’t necessarily enough to even cause me to blink. I signed on the line, and they will have the installation team coming out here tomorrow morning.

In fact, the only thing that gave me pause came after the fellow left, when I realized that he was expecting me to hesitate about one thing or another. Either the price would be an issue, or the choice of units would require me to consult with… someone; presumably you, as I mentioned your folks’ contribution toward our ownership of this home to him. Maybe he assumed I would need to talk things over with you when you returned from… wherever you were. Of course, he didn’t explicitly say any of that, nor did he mention any of these assumptions about you. But he seemed to expect that I wouldn’t be able to make a decision right then and there, and while he didn’t act terribly surprised when I did, the fact that he made so many allowances for me to take this whole situation more slowly than I intended to suggested to me that I should have been more deliberate about this than I was.

But who else is there for me to consult with? This is, for all intents and purposes, my house these days. Sure, there are the boys – and I’m going to leave the place to Daniel sooner or later (and most likely, before this new unit gives up the ghost), so it kind of matters to him – but frankly he knows less about home maintenance than even I do, and he’s less interested in the subject, if that’s possible. As for Logan, while he did bring the situation up regarding the air conditioner in the first place (which I appreciate, since I wouldn’t have realized what was happening) he doesn’t have any further say in the matter as a tenant (which reminds me, he was just telling Daniel about getting a bonus from work; I need to pester him about August’s rent payment).

It used to be that we would pray about making certain big expenditures, because money was tight, and we wanted His approval – or perhaps His supernatural touch to ensure we got the most out of the money we were going to have to spend on this or that. I don’t like to admit that I’ve dispensed with that step in the process, but would it matter to him if I bought a unit with a 14 or 17 efficiency rating? I confess I can’t see where it would.

And so, here I am, making decisions just like that, without consultation. It comes naturally to me at this point, in fact; I barely realize that I’ve done so until after everything is agreed upon and the guys are outside, checking the old unit and the hookup in the utility room, at which point, I start to wonder if I’m doing the right thing. It’s not as if you would object – you were no more of an expert on these matters as I am. But it feels like more thought ought to have been put into this than I have.

And yet, what sort of thought would I be expected to put into this? Even the fact that the fan was running when I pointed out the old unit to the installers, while momentarily suggesting that it was working properly (prompting them to crack wise about “So what did you call us out here for? Were ya just lonely or something?”), was immediately mitigated by my mentioning that there had been a leak of coolant a few months ago. “Yeah, when it starts leaking coolant, it’s pretty much done for,” they acknowledged. So I know I’m doing the right thing at the right time. There’s really no more deliberation that needs to go into this. So why do I keep thinking there ought to be?

I guess it’s that, without anyone else to bounce thoughts or ideas off of, I can make snap decisions like this. It’s efficient, and liberating, but every so often, I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing, even when it should be perfectly clear that I am. The decisions come almost too easy; it can’t be this simple, my mind keeps insisting. And I don’t know how to assuage these concerns.

So, this is the best I can do; I’ll let you know about these decisions. You can’t stop me at this point, even if you would have thought it best (although I can’t see where you would have on this particular transaction), but at least you can keep an eye on me – and the install team – and wish us luck. I’m sure we’re going to need it.