Taking Compliments

Dearest Rachel –

Yesterday had me breaking my weekend fast at a holiday party at Jeff and Julie’s place; ironically, my last meal had taken place Saturday morning with Jeff in attendance as well, so he probably thinks I eat a lot more often than I do. I can’t recall at this point if you’d ever had a chance to attend a party like the ones they host, but they certainly know how to throw one. I know you used to wish we could do so (our backyard may not be as long as theirs, but it’s noticeably deeper, so that might make up for it), but between the mess our house always used to be (and still is in certain places) and the fact that parking is a problem even if we’re not dealing with construction, we’re lucky to be able to have half a dozen friends over, as compared to the two or three dozen that came and went throughout the afternoon yesterday. Additionally, those two can cook up a real spread, too – made it well worth reaching what may be my new ceiling of two-twenty again after thirty-plus hours of abstention.

Speaking of which, one of the folks I saw there yesterday (well, actually, my folks were there, too, and were a big draw for the other guests, many of whom hadn’t seen them since December; I gave them space for most of the time they were there, so they could greet and talk with everybody else) was Luke, who I haven’t seen for about a year or so, when he went over to work as the campus pastor at our newest location on the North Side. He and Daniel teamed up against me and a guy named Stephan in a few rounds of cornhole, and beat us handily – which might make up for the drubbing I gave him in mini-golf a few years ago in Colorado.

I mention him because immediately upon seeing me, he offered a compliment on how much better I’m looking these days, which rather puzzled me. You see, I think of having last seen him about a year ago, when I was already well into my weight-loss journey; I’ve barely dropped twenty pounds over the course of the past year, as opposed to the first year and a half when I’d shed nearly twice that. Had he not noticed that before? Then again, maybe he remembers me best from that Colorado trip, when I was at what might have been my worst, both physically and emotionally, and I have to admit that I’ve undoubtedly gotten myself pulled together since then. But at the time, that wasn’t occurring to me.

Indeed, all that occurred to me in the moment was the fact that I’ve still got a long way to go, and said as much. I may not have such an obvious ‘spare tire,’ but I’ve definitely still got a gut – heck, even when I was in high school, I was considered chunky (although it’s possible that, if I were to get down to that weight – which, at my current rate, would take another two or three years of this – I’d be considered almost emaciated by modern standards) – and I’m still plenty conscious of it. Don’t worry, I’m not contracting anorexia about my condition – I like food way too much to ever get to that point – but I don’t see a lighter or fitter me like other people seem to.

That, or I’m just not that good at taking compliments. Which is quite believable, now that I think about it.

Part of this is because I’m not observant enough to know how to compliment others; and since I assume what is difficult for me is difficult for everybody else (because why would it be easy for another person when it’s so hard for me?), when one comes my way, I find myself wondering why. At the same time, I can accept it as a conversational gambit, especially if the situation is something reasonably obvious; so this should be something I can take with grace. The problem is, what is obvious to Luke (especially if he thinks of the version of me that was trying to deal with our first anniversary apart nearly three years ago) isn’t so to myself, as I see no change from day to day, apart from the numbers on the scale. Even if I think in terms of the last time we saw each other – a year ago – I don’t consider that to be all that momentous, as those numbers haven’t been decreasing nearly as fast as they have been.

One particular observation he made after my parry of his initial compliment was that what weight I am carrying around has shifted a bit. Again, this is something I’m unable to notice on a day-to-day basis – and therefore, I have trouble believing it coming from him or anyone else – but it’s the sort of results that my weight training ought to be producing. So as much as I can’t bring myself to believe it at first, it’s nice to think that it’s having an effect that others can notice to the point of at least using it as an opening for conversation.

Maybe I would have believed it more if it was coming from you; maybe, if it was coming from you, I wouldn’t care if you were being honest. I know that Megumi, if she exists, won’t be able to notice, since she’ll not have seen what I used to be; she’ll only see what I might become if I don’t continue with this regimen – and that will prompt the opposite of compliments from her. But that’s neither here nor there for now.

Anyway, I need to get on with the day, honey; I’ve got breakfast to prepare for the boys and myself (and that might well have to be my one meal for the day). Keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.