Dearest Rachel –
This is one of those titles where the contents actually tie in, but they don’t tie together all that well, so bear with me. It’s an ongoing occupational hazard of having to give a title to each of these letters; I start with an idea, usually based off of current experiences, and in the process of titling the letter, a whole other concept comes to mind for me to fold into the story as a whole.
So why don’t I get the tangent out of the way first thing? There was a time, after all, when I thought I would be writing you about every song you and I sent each other in that twenty-odd month span of writing letters back and forth. Somehow, I never got back to it, and only would mention one or another song in passing from time to time, as opposed to some organized review of music we would eventually listen to together. But when I started this story about Amazon and motivation, this title reminded me of a song I sent you in reply to your first mix tape – because things weren’t supposed to happen the way they did.
The thing about pop music is that unless they’re overly general, the lyrics rarely match one’s circumstances perfectly. My focus was on the chorus, and the fact that, by reacting to me and my original letter with open heart and arms, there had been a “gorgeous mistake” made by the you, God or the universe (not that I was going to complain). At some point, however, you played this song for Al and Andi (who still led things at B.A.S.I.C. after graduating), and they were more taken aback by the “blood on the wall” line. Ironically, I don’t think you related this story to me until a few years into our marriage, when something like that actually happened (that time of the month, if memory served), and as we cleaned it up, it jogged your memory, which you laughingly recalled to me.
***
As a side note, the phrase as Sinéad put it always struck me as a little bit… off. Growing up where I did, the typical response for someone proposing something preposterous would be that one should go “jump in the lake,” as we had a few Great ones for folks to choose from to do so. But, of course, on a more global scale, there are more people living near rivers than lakes, so our expression is probably more the exception, rather than the rule.
***
With that being said, however, the river that brought this all to mind in the first place is more of a metaphorical one than an actual one. Oh sure, Amazon is named after an actual river, but what dealings have we ever had with the Amazon River?
Amazon the company, on the other hand, is an entirely different subject. We were one of the first adopters to internet culture, including online shopping; I remember including something about ordering from them back when we were still doing annual Christmas card letters shortly after we moved into our house in 1996. Back then, it was a novelty, something worth writing about to friends and family who’d never considered doing something like that – and had no idea how to go about doing it. Not only did we find more than a few Christmas gifts, but we also were able to locate certain antique books you grew up with, and wanted Daniel to experience and enjoy.
Of course, just as it’s no longer just a bookstore (indeed, do you remember when books were all they sold? I still do… vaguely), it’s also hardly a novelty anymore. In fact, it’s how everybody shops these days, much to the detriment of brick-and-mortar, mom-and-pop shops (and, to a certain extent, even some big box retailers, which would have pleased your folks no end, if it weren’t for the fact that, in order to do any shopping anymore, they’d need to buy – and learn how to use – a computer). Apart from groceries, it’s where I do most of my shopping (and come to that, I will occasionally buy foodstuffs from there as well, like dark chocolate spreads that I can’t find in the stores. Just… not produce). So yeah, I’ve completely immersed myself in this “river” this season.
The problem is, I think I may have overdone it this year.
Now, this isn’t entirely my fault. Some of the family have very small wish lists, and of the things on it, at the top of the list are some rather large-ticket items. Now, it’s not as if we couldn’t handle those requests, but since the family has long had a fairly consistent spending limit per person in terms of gifts (we’d actually ratcheted it up to a hundred fifty from a hundred recently, owing to inflation), it is a bit of a stretch (again, more due to habit that any actual financial pinch as such) to raise that limit by an order of magnitude in order to still only contribute to this major request. Nevertheless, we can do it.
But in the interests of fairness, this means ramping up the amount of stuff bought for everyone else. When you effectively give one or another person cash (or an equivalent) as a present, it’s obvious by definition how much you’ve given them. It’s only fair to at least try to give a comparable amount to everyone else, if possible.
Hence, all these little boxes; I’ve absolutely dived into Amazon, in order to find this or that that goes with our other family members’ wish lists. I’d like to think it’s a reasonably close amount; what each person’s haul might lack in terms of dollar value compared to those with the Big Asks, it makes up for in quantity of stuff to unwrap.
The thing is, I’ve never been good at wrapping up packages; I don’t even like wrapping them very much. It’s something of a chicken-and-egg situation, but there it is. And so, much like with so many other things I don’t want to do – but need to do, for all intents and purposes – everything piles up. At some point, I’m going to need to come up for air, so to speak, open up all these packages, sort what’s in them out between those remaining recipients, RE-box them, and gift wrap those boxes for presentation. I just need the motivation to do so.
Then again, if I don’t get that motivation, and soon, I’m going to be up that metaphorical river without a paddle, running the risk of messing up Christmas. While I can afford these presents, I can’t afford to not have them ready for everyone. So, I guess I’d better get on with it, whether I’m truly ‘motivated’ to do so or not.
Keep an eye on me as I take this task on, honey, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 