But Why Are They Starting to Notice?

Dearest Rachel –

After nearly a year and a half of keeping track, and doing this thing or that to try to determine what might best assist me in my efforts to lose weight, it would seem that the process is starting to bear fruit. People are noticing.

When I arrived at the folks’ last Friday, Dad mentioned about the board meeting at church, and the fact that the financial statements I’d prepared for the previous month had been reviewed and approved. But he also mentioned that (since I guess this made me the momentary topic of conversation) some of them mentioned that I actually look like I’ve lost weight, and that I apparently look better for it.

And maybe I do. I mean, there are a few shirts that I can get myself into that, until recently, made me look like “ten pounds in a five pound sack,” as your mom used to say. I’m able to look down, and actually see my feet (among other things) when I’m standing in the shower without having to suck in my gut. And of course, there are the actual numbers I’ve been dutifully recording (and charting) each time I step on the scale, to prove just how far I’ve come since the days when I’d had an appointment lined up with a dietician that I had to cancel, scheduled as it was in the week after your accident.

But at the same time, the physical effects have been so gradual (at least, from my perspective) that I don’t actually see them, and I find it somewhat hard to believe that others can observe what I’m not capable of. After all, I still have that spare tire (even if, in the words of an obscure comedian of decades ago, “it’s a Honda tire now – it used to be a Michelin Radial X!”), which includes a fairly large flap of gut hanging down from just below my navel to the top of my pelvic bone. Since that abortive attempt at sit-ups, I don’t so much have a six-pack as a pony keg. In short, I’ve still got a long way to go before I look presentable to anyone, especially if I’m to stand in front of them in complete vulnerability.

What are these people saying, that I look good? Better, maybe, but good?

The thing is, I’m aware that I’ve been talking a lot about what I’m trying to do, and how I’m trying to go about doing it. Whether in conversation with the boys in the booth, or on these very pages, my efforts haven’t exactly been a secret. Given that I don’t really see myself as having improved in the looks department, the effusive comments I’ve occasionally gotten merely gets me suspicious. Are people just telling me what they think I want to hear, in order to encourage me on this particular journey? Or, put slightly more charitably, are they looking for changes in me, and seizing on what they see to encourage me, because they know what I’m trying to do?

The thing is, if someone hadn’t seen me in a month or two, say, and had no idea that I was trying to lose weight, would it be obvious that I had? Or is it just the fact that most people who know me know this is something I’m trying to do, and as a result, they’re looking for the evidence?

I really don’t know.

Of course, maybe this is just the sort of thing I ought not to be pondering. If nothing else, this is definitely a case of refusing to see the best in people, assuming they have an agenda or ulterior motive. Maybe it is that obvious, to someone who hasn’t seen me in a certain amount of time. If nothing else, Dad made it clear to me that one of the guys making such a comment was trying to lose weight himself. Whether he’s trying to see it or not, perhaps the fact that he does stems from a little measure of self-encouragement; if I can do this, so can he.

If nothing else, I should be grateful for the chance to be a positive role model, especially to certain people I would otherwise consider to be my mentors.

Of course, I’ve still got a long way to go before I’m satisfied with the shape I’m in. So until I get there, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.