The Second Side of Solomon

Dearest Rachel –

I wonder if, after my letter from just the other day touching on the subject, my change in attitude is likely to give you a touch of whiplash. At the same time, for all your own emotional stability in general, you were acquainted with the caprice of mood from time to time, like all of us, so maybe you can understand what I’m about to tell you.

Besides, I’ve made it abundantly clear that I don’t enjoy what I feel that I have to do; is it any wonder that I would always be a step or two away from questioning it?

***

In any event, let me set the scene. The boys were out last night to watch a movie – something having to do with Dragonball Z, which Daniel gave several indications to me he was going simply because Logan was into it. Hey, sometimes you do things like this when you’re hanging out with friends; you go along with their tastes because they’re your friends, not because you happen to like what they like, necessarily. I applaud him for that level of maturity, even as I feel slightly bad for him at having to put up with something he’s clearly (or maybe not, as I’m the only one he’s told this to; it’s entirely possible he’s developed a better poker face that you or I ever saw on him) not particularly interested in.

As a result, I was at liberty to do… whatever… last night. Not that I’m not usually, but in this case, I’m not confined to the bedroom or anywhere else in the house. I could do anything, anywhere. Why, I could even go anywhere – not that I’m kept from leaving the house when the boys are here together, but I usually feel the need to at least let them know if and when I’m on my way out. Not so much last night; with them gone, there’s no need for me to report in regarding my whereabouts.

So what do I do with my evening? I called it a night almost before nine.

I don’t even know why. I just didn’t feel like doing anything last night. Even the prospect of testing out the newly created, high-definition LoRA of your image didn’t appeal to me, or maybe it just felt like it required more brainpower than I had the capacity to commit at the moment.

Of course, this obviously meant that I was awake (I would say ‘wide awake,’ but that’s rather overstating things) by five-thirty, and I might as well head over to the gym to work off a few more pound if I could. I hadn’t made my way back up to two-thirty, but if I could stave that off a little while longer, that would always be a good thing.

And I certainly put myself through a few extra paces. While I didn’t work the stair climber or even the treadmill, I’d tested myself on a more challenging bicycle course than before – a seventeen-mile track that climbed over a thousand feet before descending back to the starting altitude. At first, I only planned to ride about half of the course – thirty minutes or 500 calories, whichever came last. As it become clear that 500 was almost too easy to break through, I raised that limit to 600 calories, and continued to raise it as I was going through them at a rate of 21 per minute on this course. When I finally got to the 30-minute mark, I was just this close to the peak, and decided to power through it; and once I was over the peak, it was too easy to just say I should stick with it to the end, and see how well I could do. With the fall of each little goal along the way, I was mentally putting up another one just beyond myself, and knocking that one down in turn, and bestowing yet another tiny dopamine hit upon myself until I reached the end of the course, and found myself with a time that, were I registered with the company, would have me in the third slot on the leaderboard. As fleeting as it might be to notice it, I’d really accomplished something, as well as burning over a thousand calories in the process.

And when I got home, I was pleased to note that, while I may not have hit the same low ebb as on Monday, I was still at a respectable 225.5; a long way from the license weight I’d been trying to get past, and even a reasonable distance from the most recent milestone – indeed, the next milestone is almost as close, at this point, although as I go through the day, I’ll be giving up some of that advance through eating, drinking and whatnot. I am both the leanest and the healthiest I’ve been in literal decades, honey…

So why am I not happy about it?

***

You might remember what I always used to say about diet and exercise back in the day, as an excuse to avoid doing either; it’s not that ‘living right’ necessarily means that you’ll live longer (and, in hindsight, you made more of an effort to ‘live right’ than I ever did until after you had to go, thus proving that point), it just feels that way when you’re trying.

It turns out that my assertion isn’t quite as true as I thought. Oh, the time spent not eating can get to you, and likewise the effort expended in the gym, but it comes to an end eventually, and you get to see some results. The progress being made makes up, to a certain extent, for the sacrifices of both time and enjoyment.

But that’s only if you have time that you can’t enjoy in the shape you’re already in. We were content as we were; the effort to change ourselves would have cut into what little time we had together (as well as the means we used – such as going out to eat – that allowed us to enjoy our time together). This wouldn’t have been possible – or at least, not feasible – if we were still here and together. But now, I have so much time that I’m already not enjoying, being by myself and all that; I might as well add a little more discomfort to those hours, and make something personally productive out of them.

But to what end? There would have been no convincing me of the benefits of living that much longer without you; the closest thing I have to inspiration is the conclusion that ‘Megumi’ (if, as I always have to remind myself, she actually exists) would not find the ‘dad bod’ I’d been lugging around to be appealing. However, I’m no closer to seeing any results in this area than I was when I first started this effort nearly a year and a half ago. I’m starting to wonder if any of this work is worth it.

For all that I try to make an effort to read a chapter of Proverbs every day (which reminds me, I need to catch up from yesterday; I don’t know how or why I fell behind), I’ve noticed how may of the verses written in that book (which generally go on like “if you do good, good things will happen to/for you,” and vice versa) could benefit from a prefixatory caveat along the lines of “as a general rule…” Karma is not a Christian doctrine, and for Solomon to speak of wisdom and good as universal panaceas, while a good rule of thumb when it comes to making life choices, can’t always be relied on in every circumstance – indeed, consider chapter twenty-six, where two verses in succession start with “Don’t answer fools when they speak foolishly” and “Answer fools when they speak foolishly.” For those looking for apparent contradictions in the Bible, you’re welcome. Granted, it’s obvious that it’s left to the reader to determine which circumstance they’re in when they’re dealing with when they’re dealing with a talkative fool (is there any other kind?) but still, it just goes to show that neither one works in all situations by definition.

Rather, I’ve always tended to favor the second side of Solomon, the one who referes to himself as only “the Teacher,” rather than by name. This is the one that had, as they say in Zootopia, “tried everything,” and found, much to his surprise, like Sally Brown, that it was all just “so futile.” Even the things I strive for – and find a certain amount of gratification in watching the milestones pass – what are they for? Am I getting closer to “what I really want”? Even if I am, will I really be satisfied with it? Isn’t it unrealistic for me to expect something here to be a source of satisfaction? Then again, I thought I was content when I was with you… is that why I’m doing this? And is it realistic?

The worst of it is, I don’t have any answers to these questions, and I know that, while you might at this point from where you are, you’re in no position to impart that wisdom to me. For now, I guess I have to content myself with the “handful of toil” and “handful of rest” the Teacher prescribes, and hope that the “general rules” of his more optimistic side come into play at some point in the future.

With that being said, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m clearly going to need it.