An Exercise in Willpower

Dearest Rachel –

So, after a day of trying to get Daniel to eat a little more (which turned out to be less than necessary, as he’s more than capable of doing so, if he wants to, and there’s something in front of him) by setting more of an example than I probably ought to have, I found myself wondering if I shouldn’t try to learn from him and his way of dealing with the whole diet-and-exercise question. After all, whatever he’s doing seems to be working out pretty well for him, as he’s several inches taller than I am (not that I can do anything about that, which evidently dismays him more than it does me – you might recall that he’s never been happy about being tall, as it simply means that he’s literally grown up, and like you, he never wanted to be) and I’d be willing to guess a hundred pounds lighter, even now.

Granted, he still has a young man’s metabolism, and fasts on a semi-regular – if completely unplanned – basis, so it isn’t as if I could expect to be where he is by trying to do what he does. Especially with regard to picking up those extra few inches in height.

Still, if he could do it – and I know what a young man’s appetite can be like, because I was one myself once – I could at least try, couldn’t I? It’s not like I don’t have plenty stored up within me in terms of reserves, after all.

·Some say it is foolish to fold your hands and do nothing [^LFools fold their hands],
    ·because you will starve to death [^Land consume their own flesh; Prov. 6:9–11; 10:4; 24:30–34].

Ecclesiastes 4:5, Expanded Bible

Of course, laziness back in those days could lead to starvation. If you didn’t plant and tend your gardens and fields, you’d have nothing to eat, and not just for one day, but an entire season. Nowadays, however, we have no shortage of readily available food (some of which could easily argued to be empty calories). There’s actually something to be said for folding one’s hands every now and then – if you can bring yourself do it.

I should mention that, despite having just brought scripture into the discussion here, I’m not going to talk about the concept of ‘prayer and fasting.’ I know, yesterday was Sunday and all that, but I had no lofty, noble goals like that. I was more curious about whether I could simply manage to go without for such an extended period of time (at least, from my perspective), rather than whether it would be able to allow me to focus on God or anything like that.

And, to be honest, I don’t know how that sort of thing helps one focus on God. I’m told that the hunger serves as a reminder as to why you’re doing it, thus allowing you to return to the task of concentrating on Him, but I couldn’t see it. For my part , it felt like I had to keep myself distracted from the occasional gnaw of hunger, because when it did assault me, it was all I could do to keep from heading into the kitchen to put something together for myself. I would try to tell myself to ‘just wait another hour or so,’ to remind myself that I was trying to see how long I could go without. I couldn’t tell myself that I was trying to last for the entire day, just a few more minutes or an hour, and then a few more after that. Ironically, it was like the old proverb about eating an elephant – you can only do it one bite at a time.

Meanwhile, the fact that Daniel was with me in the family room made it a little easier. It wasn’t as if he was participating in this experiment I was imposing on myself (or even that he was aware of it – I wasn’t trying to keep any secrets, but I didn’t bother to tell him what I was doing), or even needed to. As I was in the booth this weekend, he’d attended church on his own, and picked up lunch on his way back, including both a sandwich from one place and a smoothie from another. So all that concern of mine about whether he can fend for himself was more than I needed to have; he’d proven once again that he can take care of himself. It also meant that he didn’t see any need to bother eating for the rest of the day, thus setting an example for me. There’s no point in walking away to do something for myself when it’s just the two of us sitting there.

However, once Logan returned from the convention he was at, the temptation returned. I let the boys to their devices, as I do, and retired to the bedroom. Now, quite often, I have a snack there, so this could have been problematic, and I did consider yet again taking a detour through the kitchen on my way there. I’m not sure what prompted me not to, I admit, but I eventually convinced myself not to bother, and I stayed there, watching one thing or another I wouldn’t have with him until it got past nine o’clock. At that point, I moved from the rocker to the bed, and continued to watch one or two more videos before deciding to shut everything off for the night.

I’ll say this much, the difficulty in keeping from eating at that point was more out of keeping my mind occupied. I know that I’m too susceptible to eating out of boredom; if I can stave that off, I could get through the last of the waking hours. And I did, although it did mean I called it a night sooner than I probably ought to…

***

You can guess by now that I woke up with time to spare before the gym was to open. And you might be right that exercising on a day-empty stomach wouldn’t be good for me. But I felt that, since I was up, there was nothing much else for it but to continue along the path I’d set for myself; I swapped my pants for shorts and my polo for a T-shirt, and headed out into the surprising darkness (no, it shouldn’t have been so surprising, since we’re only a month from the equinox, but it’s been summer so long that you get used to the sky being light even at this hour).

However, when I got there to check in, the fellow at the desk asked if I was planning to use either the gym or the walking track. It seems that the equipment room was closed for the week, as they’re doing work up there of some sort. I stood there, puzzled as to what to do, before turning around and heading home. Guess it wasn’t meant to be; maybe I should just walk to the ‘office,’ instead. It’s been long enough, after all.

But as the sky began to grow slightly lighter, it was clear the sun wasn’t making an appearance. Now, this would be a good thing, when you’re planning on making a three-mile trek in a given direction, but the overcast felt like more than that. Sure enough, when I went to check the forecast, I discovered that the moment was already as warm as the day was going to be, and as dry. I might be able stay dry as I made my way to the folks’ house this morning, but I was almost guaranteed to get soaked if I tried to make my way back on foot. It was as if God was telling me, “Yes, I know you didn’t do that for My benefit, so I don’t see any reason for you to work yourself over any further for now…

“…in fact, why don’t you just go check the scale?”

So I stepped on it, just to see… and sure enough, a single day’s abstention caused me to lose four pounds in twenty-four hours, from this time Sunday morning. I’m not quite to the next milestone already, but in that moment, I was shockingly close; a little more than five to go before I’m down to what my driver’s license says for the first time in, I’d guess, either years.

What’s particularly shocking is how much more effective this was than an hour’s workout in the gym. Whereas that usually causes me to lose a pound or two, to drop four is quite the achievement. No wonder Daniel stays so thin. On the other hand, it also takes a lot longer, and you find yourself struggling with the situation for that much more time. Neither fasting nor exercise is easy or enjoyable, but I suppose the occasional foray – and the results that come from it – is worth doing.

Anyway, that’s another day and morning for you, honey. Hope things are going well for you – well, I mean, it’s heaven, of course they’re going well. I wonder if you have challenges to overcome like this, and the satisfaction of meeting them. Wish you could tell me about them, if you had any.

Regardless, since I still have to deal with these, I’d appreciate if you could keep an eye on me in the meantime, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.