Dearest Rachel –
It probably doesn’t come as any surprise to you, but I often find myself wondering how different things would be if you were still here. Not just the big, obvious things; even the incremental pieces of a single day’s timeline might be altered in ways I can barely imagine. Still, I’m about to give it a try, considering that the last twenty-four hours have been only a little bit unusual otherwise.
Let’s start with the fact that I had fully intended to call an early lid to my ‘work’ day in order to stop at the gym yesterday afternoon. Although, to call it an ‘early’ lid has become something of a misnomer; I leave early more often than not, between my visits to the gym, and my walks with Lars – not to mention the occasional series of errands every so often – such that actually staying until five is a truly rare occurrence. Even yesterday, I actually left closer to four-thirty, since I needed to get gas in the car, which requires going in a different direction than home.
But here’s where the first couple of points of divergence come in. Would I be leaving the ‘office’ so soon and so often? I couldn’t tell you where and when I ultimately gave up on creating one or another YouTube channel. It could certainly be argued that writing you every day, while an interesting discipline in its own right, takes away time that could be spent practicing drawing and animating. But given that some of our favorite animators have admitted to regularly putting in eleven-hour days (and these are people who have studied the craft for years in certain cases), could I ever hope to match their level of output, while still maintaining a proper work/life balance (and with you at home, there would be that much more compelling me to lean towards life over work)? Not to mention, what would I have to say to my audience? I’d intended to let the younger generation know that they weren’t the problem; we older folks had been where they are, and the ones that looked down on them had just forgotten what they were like as kids. Basically, it would be a “things are going to get better – they did for me, they will for you” kind of message. Your departure effectively kicked the slats out of that Pollyannaish outlook – I’ve discovered (or at least, been reminded of the fact) that I don’t have all the answers, and by extension, don’t have the right to dispense them. So I don’t know what my ‘work’ life would be like on a regular basis if you were still here.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be meeting with Lars all that often, nor going to the gym. Sure, the two of us might get together now and again, given that I have a relatively free schedule, but with you being my closest friend, I might think I had no real need to hang out with others (apart from those you would invite over, and his schedule would probably preclude meeting over dinner, especially if it meant coming all the way over to our place). Likewise, I don’t see myself hitting the gym, either – the motivation wouldn’t be there, as I wouldn’t need to get fit in order to appeal to you. And while you made a point of going over there regularly (because of their four swimming pools), you never would have insisted that I work out while you did so; probably because you would have assumed I would interpret any nudges in that direction as nagging (and, to be honest, you’d probably be right).
On the other hand, it would have been a nice incentive to make a date out of it on a regular basis (even the twice-a-week schedule I’ve put myself on), complete with coming home afterwards, peeling off our gym and swim togs, and getting cleaned up together.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, as none of that happened last night. Indeed, thanks to camping season being in full swing, I spent the day processing registration receipts. I wouldn’t have been working on videos or anything yesterday regardless of our situation. Honestly, it’s gratifying to be working on something useful apart from any personal plans and dreams I might have for myself – and it’s nice to see those registrations increase on a year-over-year basis. But it does mean this is one thing that has to get done regardless of whether you’re here or not. Not everything changes because of you.
Neither does the fact that I found myself falling asleep in the rocking chair after coming home from dinner (although the fact that Daniel and I eat over at the folks every week probably wouldn’t be a thing – or maybe it would, just not a weekly thing, as Mom insists she needs to stay in practice at cooking). It’s not like I was particularly exhausted, but these things happen. The next thing I know after leaning back and stretching out, it’s nine o’clock, dark outside, and Logan’s sitting on the couch next to my chair where you would have been. Had it been you there, I might have stayed and tried to watch something else with you and Daniel, but I decided to retire to the bedroom, and leave the boys to their devices. So that’s yet another little divergence.
But at least, when one falls asleep in your clothes from the night before (and early, too), one isn’t bothered about messing them up the next morning. So, when I woke up a little after five, I decided to put in that workout, after all…
…after stopping at the corner gas station to fill that one tire up. I hate to think I’ll be paying a buck every other day to ensure that it keeps me on a level driving plane until I can get it back into the dealership (they tell me it will be in by the sixth, and have scheduled me to come in on the tenth), but I guess it’s still cheaper than a Starbucks habit. In any event, this is something that has probably been a building issue since before you had to leave, so it’s another thing that wouldn’t have changed in my day (apart from the timing).
Of course, coming home as I was by just about seven o’clock, glistening with sweat, ready to hop in the shower… it would have been the perfect opportunity to give you a good morning kiss, at which point you might playfully berate me for waking you so early (and perhaps for going to the center without you) before joining me in the shower. It would have been the perfect start to a day.
For now, though, I have to content myself with watching the dial on the scale finally register under 250 (again). Tiny victories, and all that, I suppose…
Letters to Rachel 