Only Myself to Blame

Dearest Rachel –

Last night, just as I was about to go to bed, I realized that I had forgotten to do something. I’d meant to make a run to the supermarket yesterday, after working out, showering and hanging out with Daniel for a bit. But after doing all that (and Logan got home particularly late, so our ‘hanging out’ time was longer than usual, allowing me to get perhaps too comfortable), as well as preparing dinner for the two of us – which, since we had leftovers from the past week, didn’t require me to run out and get something (which would have prompted me to make a stop for groceries) – and eating it, my plan completely slipped my mind until after ten o’clock.

As a result, this morning’s breakfast is going to be pretty sparse; in fact, it’s likely to amount to nothing at all. Which is ironic, as we have half the ingredients for any of what I usually throw together to make up my morning repast. I’ve got milk (for once), but absolutely no cereal. I even have jam (which I rarely buy while I’m out on these shopping excursions, but I picked up while shopping for ACen provisions), but no bread. I even used the last of a very large bag of tortillas last night, for whatever reason, so that’s out as well. It’s astonishing to realize how much of my morning meal runs on carbs, despite the fact that those, in particular, would best be cut out of my life to a much more significant degree..

In fact, cutting out breakfast entirely might well be something I need to do more often, given how things are going these days with my efforts to get (and stay, assuming I ever get there) in shape. While I managed to get myself below 250 pounds shortly before leaving for Japan, and I’ve even gotten it to touch 249 a couple of times since returning, I haven’t been able to keep it there. Heck, the morning after JoAnna’s graduation dinner, dismayed doesn’t begin to cover how I felt upon seeing myself back up to 259 pounds – but I just can’t say ‘no’ to a family-style Italian meal. Oh, don’t worry, I’ve dropped down and split the difference since then, but I’m still a long way from my goal (and Lars’ for me, which is that much more ambitious).

Speaking of Lars, I’m meeting him today to go walking, so it’s not as if I have the time to go shopping before heading to the ‘office’ today. Come to that, it’s not like I’d know what to do with my purchases in the meantime if I could, as leaving them sitting in the car for hours on end while he and I wander the local forest preserve would definitely not be the best idea. And since Daniel and I have Bible study tonight, it’s not as if there will be time to shop tonight, so it looks like tomorrow morning will be a repeat of today’s situation.

I suppose I should have gone the instant I thought of it. After all, the place we frequent for our groceries (and certain other items, in fact) is basically in perpetual operation. Forget convenience stores; here in America, we have whole supermarkets open 24/7. But you know me, honey; once I recognize that I’m tired, that’s the end of it. I know when my body’s had enough, and I try to give it the rest it needs. I’m not about to push it beyond its limits, even for something I might want in the near future.

So if I’m hungry… well… I guess I have only myself to blame for it.

Well… maybe not completely. I probably could ask Daniel to take care of the shopping. It’s not like I ask that much of him as it is. But I admit, I like doing it on certain occasions – if nothing else, because of my, uh, shopping habits, I wind up with the (literally) odd thing or two that I hadn’t planned on getting that I discover I actually enjoy. I don’t know if that would ever be the case with Daniel; he doesn’t seem to mind it when we’re out together, and I understand he’s gone out on his own for lunch when he really gets hungry, but it’s a rare thing that those sorts of things happen. Indeed, Monday night, after feeding myself leftovers, and letting Daniel know he had his own to take care of, I found out yesterday afternoon that went all Monday and most of yesterday just… forgetting to eat, apart from a couple of snacks. One part of me thinks that can’t be healthy, and the other wishes I had that kind of willpower and forgetfulness.

I know I need to turn over these tasks to him at some point – he’s got to learn how to live on his own – but I don’t know if either of us is ready for that yet. And so, I’ll probably be attending to my own appetites soon enough, and he can benefit from all that for now. But we may have to go hungry for at least one other day… although, I’ll be having lunch with Lars after our walk, so I won’t be quite as urgent as Daniel. Then again, is he ever urgently hungry?

Be that as it may, honey, keep an eye on us, and wish us luck; we’re going to need it.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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