Trying Not to Break the String

Dearest Rachel –

I think it was somewhere between eight and nine o’clock that Lars called me last night, in part to wish me a happy new year, and also to decide what day this week to go walking together (for the record, we’re going tomorrow, as today is apparently threatening rain). At some point during the conversation, he asked how my day had been, to which I could only reply that it had been ‘quiet.’

But, to be honest, that description barely scratched the surface. After about noon, when Daniel and I had been watching enough videos together to get Logan’s attention – bringing him down from his room, and causing me to leave the boys to their own devices – I had been literally spending the rest of the day and evening in the bedroom, watching this or that (anything that wouldn’t necessarily appeal to Daniel). After a certain point of time, I stretched out in my chair, only to discover that some three or four hours had passed while I was sleeping, it was completely dark outside (not that it hadn’t been when I first made myself too comfortable), and it was well past midnight; time to call a lid on the day and actually go to sleep, as if I hadn’t been there for an excessive amount of time already.

In retrospect, there are so many other things that I could’ve done. I’d gotten a holiday greeting from Greg, wishing me a happy new year (among other things; he actually apologized for the length of his letter, but he seemed to have a lot to get off his mind, and it’s not like I don’t write a lot myself, these days); and while I’d replied to him around Christmas, this was another letter that I really ought to respond to (if for no other reason than to wave off his apology for excessive verbosity). Similarly, I could have been reaching out to either of the two ladies I’ve been in contact with lately from the dating app, wishing them a happy new year, and possibly making plans for a future meeting. But it would seem that these sorts of things were more effort than I was willing to expend last night. Why, I couldn’t even be bothered to do anything for dinner for myself and the boys (and while they do need to learn to take care of themselves, I really wonder what’s becoming of me, when I don’t even have the motivation to prepare a meal for myself).

On the other hand, that last bit of ultimate slothfulness has resulted in my dropping a half pound every day for the last week – and that’s without yet even availing myself of the renewed membership to the local park district athletic center that the folks got me for Christmas. So, I guess that’s something; if this keeps up for the next two months, I’ll make it to my goal weight without any effort to speak of. Imagine what I could do if I actually applied myself.

All of which is what brings me to my point this morning; I’m actually surprised I’ve had this much to say to you about things as they stand. I woke up feeling decidedly unmotivated to do anything this morning; basically, it was a continuation of yesterday and last night. And it kind of bothered me. I know that some day, I’m going to wind up skipping a day of talking to you (and yes, I was about to say ‘with,’ but I know full well that’s wishful thinking), but I always assumed it would be because I was dealing with a day where I would be too busy to write anything down, or otherwise not in a position to send you anything. To not converse with you (there I go) simply because there’s nothing to say, or worse yet, simply no motivation to tell you about things (because there’s always something to talk about, even if a day has been quiet – if nothing else, yesterday Daniel and I finally decided upon which tours to take on our upcoming trip in April) seems an absurdly poor reason to break the string. Besides, I want to be able to build up a streak longer than any of your games that you so prided yourself on; if I keep this up for another hundred days or so, I think I’ll be able to pass up the longest one you showed me.

But that won’t happen if I just succumb to lethargy; and that would be such an ignominious reason to let go. So, here I am, filling you in, and letting you know yet again how challenging it can be to bring myself to do this some days.

It would be a whole lot easier to talk with you if you were still around. I’m sure you and I would have more than a thousand words to share with each other on any given day; if nothing else, each of us asking questions of each other’s narratives would lead to further expansion of our individual stories and opinions. But without that back-and-forth, it’s just me talking into the ether, and that’s so much more difficult. And while I suppose I could find someone else to talk with, it wouldn’t quite be the same, now, would it?

Anyway, I should actually do something toward starting my day. It’s one thing to take the day off because everyone else does (Monday the second filling in for the New Year’s holiday, after all); today, everything is back to what constitutes normal in the year of our Lord 2023, and I suppose I need to act like it.

If I don’t get back to you until tomorrow, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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