Dearest Rachel –
You know, one of the things that I really miss about your absence is the fact that I’m no longer able to just say whatever I want to. If something popped into my head, I could just lean over to you and say it, without too much fear of you judging me for my opinion. After all, you had the same freedom to do so with me (although it’s debatable as to whether you exercised it nearly as much as I did) – and more often than not, you found my observations amusing, even on the rare occasions you didn’t necessarily agree with them, and to be honest, that amusement was more often was I was striving for, anyway.
I suppose that, technically, I still have that same level of freedom – that of being able to say whatever I want to at any moment – but when there’s no one to listen or respond to what I say, that sort of freedom seems pointless at best, and indicative of certain mental issues at worst. I used to talk to myself when I was much younger (and I worry from time to time when Daniel engages in it – although he claims to be talking to God, and far be it from me to get in the way of that, if he really is), and tried to train myself not to do that anymore – or, at least not in public. I’ve been so successful that I’ve had to find a private place to dictate something or another to Siri when something occurs to me to write you, lest I look like I’m talking to myself.
And that’s another thing. Sure, I can write to you about the things that cross my mind at any given moment, but I really have to set the situation up in this format, because some things are just a matter of ‘you had to be there’ in order to understand. And maybe you are; I really don’t understand how one’s spirit passes the time between this world and the next. But somehow, I doubt it. I would consider heaven to be the distillation of anything good we could have or conceive of here on earth, taking to a degree of goodness so many times beyond our earthly capability to replicate or even comprehend, that whatever might be going on here merits scant notice by those of you on that side. But maybe you wonder from time to time, so I have to explain what’s going on – and provide the background, where necessary, to my observations, usually in the form of some pop cultural reference we shared between us. It’s not the same as just whispering a single line into your ear (or you doing so to me) in order to make you smile.
And of course, there are things I’ve been warned off from discussing in a semi-public forum like this. The fact that other people can read this means that certain subjects – like the details of our love life or something like that – need to be off-limits, which is certainly understandable. Granted, it’s a bit irritating from time to time, when I’d really like to try to memorialize something particularly special about that sort of thing as much as any other part of our life together, but I try to watch myself, and only make allusions like this, as opposed to spelling things out explicitly.
But more than the salacious aspects of our relationship (although I’ll never deny the appeal of that – it’s in my name, after all), this freedom that we had to say the silliest things between us as we observed the world passing us by was a way to keep ourselves from being too serious about any of it. Sure, there are plenty of admonitions in scripture about talking too much, and what that would lead to…
·If you talk a lot [L In an abundance of words], ·you are sure to sin [L wickedness does not cease]; if you are wise, you will ·keep quiet [L restrain your lips].Proverbs 10:19, Expanded Bible
·Wise [Prudent] people ·keep what they know to themselves [L conceal/hide their knowledge], but ·fools can’t keep from showing how foolish they are [L the heart of fools proclaim their stupidity].Proverbs 12:23, Expanded Bible
…but even the words of The Teacher acknowledge “a time to laugh” at this or that, among so many other things. And, of course, you also took this bit of advice from your favorite Doctor:
There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker) in “Robot” (1975)
Sure, you may have been childish more often than most grownups (indeed, at the time you introduced me to him and this saying – among so many others – you were making a point of being more child than grownup, for the most part), but that was a great deal of the fun of being with you; I may have had more grownup leanings, and you tempered them with a little childishness, and we both managed to have fun together.
At about the same time, I was discovering the art (if you can call it that – the fact that he’s been consistent in his style for the better part of forty years now must count for something) of Matt Groening (which, appropriately, he claims rhymes with ‘complaining’). While you introduced me to Doctor Who, I introduced you to ‘Life in Hell,’ the comic strip he created and ran prior to developing the Simpsons. Here is a page from a series he did entitled ‘Love is Hell,’ which you might recognize:
Guess which couple we turned into. Heck, we even turned it into a times three situation on many occasions, as we introduced Daniel to many of our own inside jokes.
Yes, I suppose there’s foolishness in constantly expressing every observation about the world around us to each other like we did. And sometimes we would let the other of us know when the joke had gone too far (mostly you to me, being better able to read rooms than I). But between the two of us (and occasionally three), it was liberating to let that bit of spirit out rather than constantly squelching it. And as repressed emotions let loose go, it’s a far better one to have surrounding you than say, anger.
But these days, I have to watch what I say, both here and in other situations. It’s stifling, to be honest; I know there are things I need to change about myself to appeal to ‘Megumi,’ but if she were to have a problem with this aspect of me (even if it was something you helped cultivate, rather than something that grew naturally within me – which is debatable), I might well question if she was, in fact, ‘Megumi.’ I’d say I wish you could help me with this decision, but if you were here, I wouldn’t need to be making such a decision in the first place, now, would I?
Until next time, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.
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