More Nothing Than I Know What to Do With

Dearest Rachel –

For the most part, yesterday was my own fault, so I really have no right to complain about what happened – or rather, what didn’t happen. To be fair, I enjoy my retired life; the lack of deadlines and responsibilities to a boss, the (admittedly somewhat theoretical) freedom to do or go anywhere I please at any time I want, and the ability to make my own choices in life without being questioned by anyone but my own conscience. But there’s a point where (as you well know, having suffered from what you referred to as ‘choice overload’ more often than even you might wish to admit) that amount of freedom leads one to choose to do nothing at all – and regret it later on.

That’s not an entirely accurate picture of yesterday, but it’s the sort of thing that kept it the way it was. To be honest, I thought I had made plans of sorts for the day; having finished off several financial packages the day before, I had determined that I was due a day off in any event. And as it so happened, Kris had volunteered to help me shop for accessories for the upstairs bathroom (in particular, a shower curtain) so that Logan would feel more at home up there, and we wouldn’t have to cross paths in the morning, wearing less than we might want to be seen in when encountering another person (save for you or Megumi).

She had, however, stipulated that, if she were to assist me in this endeavor, that I provide her with lunch – specifically, at the Sushi Station that we enjoyed so much (and I had talked up to her several times throughout the course of her visits to clean the house). Now, I have no problem with this, but as I may have mentioned before, Daniel hasn’t been there in quite some time, as he’s been waiting for some nebulous ‘something’ to happen before he ever does that again, or any of various other pleasurable activities, for that matter. I don’t get any of it – and I don’t really see any of these things happening, for that matter (particularly now that the deadline that is the midterm elections are upon us) – but I truly don’t want him left out of these sorts of ventures, especially since I know he used to enjoy this sort of thing. So I felt the need to ask him about coming along with before agreeing to having Kris assist with this. Somewhat to my surprise, he assented, albeit with less enthusiasm than one might’ve expected, possibly due to having to conclude that no, some of those prophecies were not likely to come to pass.

With his agreement, I figured we were all settled, and we could get on with this shopping trip. So I made arrangements to stay home (letting the folks know that I wouldn’t be in – they like to stay informed about my movements and whereabouts, which is probably a dynamic I ought to tell you about some time as well), and waited for Kris to let me know when she would be arriving for us to head out.

And waited.

And waited.

It was already after noon when I messaged her about how we were waiting for her; however, even as I was texting her, I found myself looking at our previous conversations, and realizing that the responsibility had been on me to let her know that Daniel was okay with the arrangement, and we would be good to go – and I had neglected to do that. As a result, she had made other plans to work with other clients, and we were left sitting home on our own. It was the classic case of what happens when you make certain assumptions – I had made a bit of an ass out of myself in the process, if I may risk explaining the joke. At least I was the only one in this situation; Kris was busy earning a living elsewhere, and Daniel, while possibly having his taste buds finally set on the possibility of a sushi lunch, was quite used to sitting at home and doing nothing, so this wasn’t any different from any other day.

But I had had plans for the day, and didn’t know what to do with myself with them punctured and delayed. It was a rare day in which I had more nothing to do than I knew what to do with. Sure, I could content myself with staying home and watching YouTube videos together with Daniel – we do a lot less of that these days, since he spends evenings watching stuff with Logan instead – but I had hoped to actually do something today, and found myself torn about the situation. And, in fact, there were certain things I could’ve taken care of, had I the mind to. I could’ve gone out and gotten my prescription for new eyeglasses filled, as we had just been to our new optometrist the other day (Daniel, by contrast, claims to be in no hurry to update his Harry Potter specs). I could even go to Costco for them (as Lars had recommended to me), and while I was there, picked up a jacket, or vest, or vest jacket, for walking in the approaching colder months.

But in the end, inertia won the day, and I stayed at home with Daniel. Don’t get me wrong; it was enjoyable enough to be with him in the same room without fighting about certain things he believes nowadays, laughing at, and otherwise enjoying the same things for an extended period of time. I don’t regret having done so, exactly; I just find myself, when I’m by myself, wondering if I couldn’t have done more with yesterday.

Now, today, I’ve told myself that I’m back to what constitutes ‘normal’ for me; a day at the ‘office,’ doing whatever. And if I chose a detour, I wouldn’t necessarily be dragging a reluctant Daniel along, like I would have been yesterday. Guess we’ll have to see what happens, and if I can motivate myself to do what I couldn’t bring myself to then.

In which case, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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