Way Too Soon

Dearest Rachel –

I know I deliberately retired to the bedroom early last night in order to get up with enough time to get ready and be at church by seven, but I meant to wake up at five. Two a.m. is way too soon. And yet, that’s when I found myself awake, mulling over the visions in my head – I wouldn’t exactly call them dreams necessarily – about what place should look like when we set this place up for the holidays.

With the remodel of the kitchen, I had suggested that the place serve as the venue for the family Thanksgiving dinner (as we never were able to host any such gatherings back in the day), but I still need to figure out how to make room for everyone. Not only that, but this place needs the proper festive air to it. And last night’s dream – or rather, this morning’s, since it’s what I woke up to – gave me something to work with. Basically, it simply involved stringing lights around the perimeter of the sunroom and the dining/family room to give it that holiday touch. This may be the house without a Christmas tree (aside from the one in our bedroom, which I don’t think will ever come down until I do), but strings of lights will suffice to convey the appropriate amount of cheer, regardless of the season.

However, this still being August, it would seem way too soon to even be thinking about this. Besides, there’s nothing I can do about it right now, so I might as well make a note of it, and get back to sleep, considering how now I only have two hours in which to get any. But it’s really hard to shut off my brain after having it switched on with an idea like this, even one that I obviously can’t act on immediately. There are all the other logistical challenges, such as how to clear out the old refrigerator and bring it downstairs to utility room (at which point I need to get rid of the chest freezer that’s already down there), the fact that I need a larger table in the dining room (and probably a separate table in the sunroom to put all the food) – and where do I have everyone sit during the times when we aren’t eating, both before and after the meal?

But none of this was part of the dream; only the lights lining each of the rooms, and that was it. And yet, my mind can’t stop trying to figure everything else out.

This wasn’t what my letter to you today was going to be about. I was going to go into detail about another unusual read (not ‘9 to 5’) day this week. But, to be fair, there will be a lot of time during the day that, while I could work on writing you, it wouldn’t be appropriate. The ride up to camp, for instance, would theoretically allow me time to put something together for you, but during those two hours, I made a small, confined space with two other live people that I need to interact with. And once I’m up there, there will be a lot of discussions to take place, precluding any further attempts to assemble my thoughts to you; or, if I want to try, it would be something of a social breach at best. So perhaps, it’s just as well that I come up with something to tell you about beforehand like this, instead of trying to bore you with a couple-hours-long road trip, and various discussions about finances that probably shouldn’t be shared with anyone but the folks in the room, anyway.

But I really wish I could get myself back to sleep.

Still, by the time the alarm screeches at me to get up, I find myself unaware of whether I’ve managed or not. What I am aware of is the fact that I’d just as soon hit the snooze button. After all, it’s way too soon to get up; what little I can see outside is still dark (another vision of the future, as the days get shorter from here on out), and I can hear the rain on the roof. It’s going to be one of those days, I can tell. For now, time moves forward, and so must I.

I know you might be expecting, given the title, for me to complain yet again about your departure. It might even be justified, but I think we both know how I feel; it doesn’t do any good to keep going over this, like picking at a scab. I know phone will but you wouldn’t want to trade where you are now for anything, so I have to leave it at that. Besides, we were just going over 2 Thessalonians last night in Bible study – everything, even the ‘bad’ stuff is meant to happen in line with His timing. I don’t get to see the master plan; all I know, it’s in the Master’s hands.

Take care for now, honey. Keep an eye out for me, and wish me luck – I’m going to need it.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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