Ask You No Questions

Dearest Rachel –

I guess I should thank you for showing up last night (this morning?), despite the fact that I can’t seem to stop myself from asking you questions and breaking the spell. So if the dreams you appear in are all too short, I guess that’s on me. Anyway, I should get to describing them, before they fade from my memory.

Although, considering I went to sleep again after the first one, I think I have a pretty good handle on it, in particular, even if the visuals were rather chaotic. Outdoors, it seemed like we were in the forest preserve just outside the place where I last worked; indoors, the scene was the family room at my folks place before they remodeled it while I was at college. Granted, I wasn’t inside very much, but at some point you were, along with, I want to say, your childhood friend Andrea (I think that was her name. It wasn’t Ellen, that much I’m sure of). I should point out that you looked to be between 12 and 15 years old, long before I met you, but my mind can create an image of you at that age, since I’ve been staring at various old photographs of you now for some time.

As I said, you two went inside at some point while I stayed outside, enjoying our mutual picnic. Ellen may have been out there with me; I think I remember talking to someone, even as I watched what I thought at first was Chompers as he devoured the berries off of a nearby bush. I want to say they were raspberries, but at some point it looked like blueberries – that’s the beauty of dreams, you can confuse things that look nothing alike.

And speaking of looking nothing alike, when I went to approach what I thought was a Chompers, it turned out to be a fairly large black cat, and not a dog at all. The only thing was, this cat had a fairly misshapen head, as if it has been in some form of unfortunate accident – maybe it had survived being run over at some point? This is where I think Ellen was outside with me, as she identified the animal as her old cat Sam; which leaves me wondering if she’s even had a cat named Sam. She’s had enough cats in her life that it’s not outside the realm of possibility, but I just don’t remember any more.

Somewhere along the way, Andrea came running out, carrying what turned out to be a doll in an oversized purple gingham dress. But I didn’t realize that at first, given the pace of her run, and that she said it down so gently; I thought you’d gotten hurt, and she needed to get you outside… for some air? Look, it’s all dream logic, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Regardless, I went I hurried over to check on ‘you,’ only to discover what it actually was, even as you stepped outside. You looked at me with a quizzical expression, tilting your head in confusion at my reaction.

It was at this point that I could not keep from wandering so many things. You were there; you were standing before me; you were real. I had so many questions – have so many questions. I don’t know what, if anything, I actually spoke to you, or if I only got so far as to think about the many things I wanted to ask you about (including all the things you’ve written down that I’ve posted here – I could stand some explanations as to what, exactly, you were thinking about at the time).

It didn’t occur to be then – not that it would necessarily have mattered, given dream logic – that your younger self wouldn’t have known about any of the things that you had written since. In fact, it’s possible your younger self didn’t even know who I was, although you didn’t seem alarmed at my presence – so there’s that.

But regardless, as soon as I began to think about things I wanted to ask you, the scene began to fade, and I found myself awake in our bedroom, lying on my side of the bed, wondering whether I should get up, only to note that it was barely 4:30.

Way too early. And, since I need have a full docket of things to do today – you already know about my being in the booth, for instance – waking up this early was out of the question. Reluctantly (because I ‘knew’ I was going to forget about this scene), I went back to sleep, hoping I could get a couple more hours of sleep before needing to get up.

Amazingly, I actually managed to in fairly short order. Even more amazing, you were suddenly there right beside me, as if it was any other Saturday morning. I could practically taste your lips upon mine as you ‘woke’ me up (because, of course, this was still in the middle of the dream, so I wasn’t awake at all), which in and of itself was unusual – after all, you always were the one to stay up late, so for you to be awake first would be out of character for both of us. But I wasn’t about to question that, especially as you began to reach for me. I have missed this, as I’ve said so many times before.

I honestly don’t know what question came to mind as I lay here, enjoying your affections. I only know something must have, because once again, the spell was broken, the room was suddenly so much darker, and I was alone in it – and barely an hour had passed sine the last dream had evaporated.

So I guess I should thank you once again for showing up, and for sticking around for an encore. I only wish that, some other time, you’ll let me ask a question or two before fading away, because I can’t seem to help myself.

Until then, honey, keep an eye out for me. I love you, and I miss you.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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