from Rachel: It Takes Time

“May 20

“I need to be more patient and persistent in trying to establish a daily routine of spending a few minutes with Jesus first thing in the morning. I manage most days for a week or two, but it doesn’t start to immediately become a comfortable habit or something I miss if I don’t do it. So pretty soon I drift out of the ‘habit’ again – not that it ever really was. Ironically, my absolute worst day is Sunday. The only way I could fit it in would be to get up earlier, and after Saturday night… well…

“Exercise from video: finish the sentence 10 ways: ‘it’s just like me to be __________.’

  1. Late
  2. Putting things off until the last minute
  3. Joking around
  4. Having fun
  5. Playing a game
  6. Having a friend over
  7. Staying up late
  8. Watching TV
  9. Avoiding work
  10. Making excuses for my behavior
  11. Having my priorities in the wrong order
  12. Not getting around to praying
  13. Doing only the easy parts for job
  14. Avoiding telling the whole truth so as to not look bad or even appear good
  15. Addicted to time wasting activities”

Dearest Rachel –

Sometimes, as I’ve been going through this Purpose-Driven Life journal of yours, it feels as if I’m getting a snapshot of you at a low point in your life that I wasn’t aware of at the time. So many of the entries suggest that you were all too aware of your spiritual shortcomings, and thoroughly unhappy with them, but at the same time, not quite willing (and aware of your unwillingness) to let go of them, leading to that much more self… well, not quite self-loathing, but certainly some form of displeasure. Guilt, perhaps? Weren’t we supposed to have been freed of that in our Christian live, honey?

I mean, it’s not like half of those things that fill in the blank aren’t even inherently bad, after all. It’s just that there are some things that are better – like with the whole Martha and Mary dichotomy – and you recognized that. And while most of those defined you to your very last day, I want to assure you that you are remembered for the ways you served, too, and your love for literally everyone who crossed your path. It was something no one could miss, and it was more that I could ever show, for my own part. That has to count for something.

If I am to be remembered, it will probably be from what I’ve said or written; you, however, have been held up as an example for what you’ve done. Even if you don’t think it was enough – and let’s face it, it never is, nor can it be – that’s still orders of magnitude better. Even Junior’s girls still remember you, and what a friend and leader you were; that influence will be carried forward for at least another generation.

I don’t know why I’m trying to console this version of you from nearly eighteen years ago; you’ve already been greeted with the Lord’s own affirmation of ‘well done, good and faithful servant.’ And it’s not like I’m in a position to say I’ve done better; I may be a little more regular when it comes to getting sleep when I ought to, but that just means fewer waking hours in which to do good. I sometimes wonder if, when I stand before Him, that He’s going to add an extra bit of punctuation: “Well done” for me will likely come out more as “Well… done,” as if to say ‘well, your time is up, and that’s all I can say about it. You’re done.’

Still, as long as He lets me in, and I can see Him – and you – I shall be content with that.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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