What Can I Say?

Dearest Rachel –

I suppose I really should come right out and admit it: I’m a morning person. I would always excuse myself by saying it was out of necessity that I was waking up as early as I did, that I needed to read and wash up before getting myself out the door to work. And that was all true enough. But the fact of the matter is, I’m at my best in the morning. By the end of the day, even a day when I’m not really doing much (although considering that I shoveled out both ours and the folks’ places, yesterday was not such a day), I’m burnt out by the time the sun goes down, and find myself wanting to do little more than vegging out in front of the television, watching YouTube videos.

By contrast, first thing in the morning, I’m up, and I want to get things taken care of. It may be that I’ve just gotten used to doing stuff when it’s quiet in the house and no one else is awake; once everyone is up, I always felt like I should be spending time with you all, even if we were just quietly together in the same room on our individual computers and worlds. It wasn’t an environment that was particularly conducive to getting actual work done, to be honest.

This situation also applies to my writing to you, except that, at the crack of dawn, I don’t have that much to write about yet, as yesterday afternoon and evening were just that sort of uneventful time I’ve just described, and of course, nothing happens while I’m asleep.

Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. I do find myself having dreams – and a lot more often than when you were around, maybe because yours were always more interesting than mine (and, by the time you’d finished describing yours, I’d basically forgotten mine, in any event) – but I find myself unable to talk about them in some cases. Last night’s in particular, was a reminder of the things I miss about you that were unique to the relationship I had with you, as compared with any other that I have with other people. But the thing is, that’s a topic I can’t go into detail out here; it’s one of the hazards of leaving my letters lying out here where anybody can see them. Some of those that might come across these letters just do not want to hear about that particular topic. You’d think we were the only people in the world that enjoyed each other in that way. And it’s particularly irritating that this is the second time this year that I’ve found myself dwelling on the topic – and it’s only January the third.

Maybe, if I wait a month or so, I can sneak those letters into the record without them being noticed by those who do not wish to do so.

Meanwhile, as I was preparing for bed last night, I thought to ask Daniel about whether he had any luck regarding his jury summons. According to him, it would seem not; it appears that he can’t get out of it for a health exemption. So it looks like the two of us are taking a trip to Maywood next Thursday, and I don’t know how that’s going to shake out. He’ll not be able to do his civic duty if they don’t let him in, but they won’t let him in if he can’t show his vaxx card, and, of course, he can’t show a vaxx card, since he hasn’t even taken the first shot. It’s a typical parent thing to imagine the worst case scenario, but I practically envision him winding up in an orange jumpsuit for noncompliance, due to making a scene about resisting the mandates. Which I still think it’s kind of ironic, as some of his other beliefs regarding those in power seem like the sort of things that both the prosecutor and the defense attorney would both look at each other and go ‘nope, we don’t want this kid on the jury,’ and send us home tout suite.

Most of those I can’t go into because I don’t quite understand them (even he acknowledges that ‘I know this’ll sound crazy to you, but…’), and I’d just as soon no get into politics when I’m talking with you. I might just assemble a list of things he claims the ‘prophets’ have pronounced for 2022, and set them up in a virtual time capsule for him to explain at this point in time next year. Still, I know that literally everything about this old planet is irrelevant to you – what I had for dinner the other day as much as who’s running (or claiming to run) the country – but the latter seems singularly unimportant in the grand scheme of things. At least we can enjoy things like food and relationships. I can’t think of a single enjoyable thing about politics. Even when you’re ‘winning,’ you’re miserable, because there’s so many others trying to get to the top of the hill – and more than happy to knock you off to get there – and for what?

·It is worthless [What good/profit/benefit is it…?] to ·have [gain] the whole world if they ·lose [forfeit] their souls.

Matthew 8:36, Expanded Bible

At least there’s one other thing coming up later today – that of Sparks starting up for the new year, and the fact that I can resume my participation in it, now that the Grief Share sessions are over. I have to admit, I don’t know how much good those did me; it was nice to know I’m not alone in dealing with loss (although I’d like to think I already knew that, at least on an intellectual level), but I wonder if I haden’t been dealing with things in my own way already – even through this.

Anyway, I hope I can prove to be of some use tonight, but I don’t know if I’m going to have any energy to inform you about how things went once tonight’s activities are over. Because it’s another one of those things that leaves me looking forward to a few hours of just mindlessly vegging out in the family room once I get home.

So you see, honey, there really is a lot to talk about, but I don’t feel like I can go into any detail about it all. Either I don’t understand it (such as with Daniel), or folks don’t want to hear about it (like with our relationship), or it hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to work on writing you once it is. (like with Sparks) Indeed, I’ve probably already said far too much on these topics… and yet, I have so much else to add, not to mention so many questions.

I confess that I’m envious of your position at this point; you have all the answers where you are, but you just don’t have any way to communicate those to us – assuming you would even want to. Or is it just a case of…?

Spoilers - River Song Spoilers - quickmeme

Still, I wish you could let me know. I certainly wouldn’t mind; I’ve never been all that concerned about those.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

3 thoughts on “What Can I Say?

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