Missing This Appointment

Dearest Rachel –

It honestly feels like this particular dream is so mundane as to hardly be worth relating. On the other hand, you used to tell me about your dreams in the mornings we were together without too much thought as to whether they were interesting or not, and were always vaguely disappointed that, in part due to my sleep apnea, I generally didn’t have dreams, or what dreams there were (and I could remember), were even less interesting than yours.

That having been said, here’s what I woke up with this morning.

This one is a fairly archetypical dream, like showing up to school or work naked – or nearly so – or realizing you’re not prepared for something, such as an exam or a presentation. The way I understand it, it’s the mind’s way of trying to sort out the events of the previous day, and get itself organized for the next. But if that’s supposed to be the mind’s goal, it doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job, given the scenarios it conjures up.

In this case, I believe I had some sort of appointment – perhaps a music lesson, like back in the days when I was still in high school. Which wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense nowadays, as I haven’t played my trombone in decades now. what really stuck out, however, was that my mind was adamant about an address: 1025 N. Campbell. Or maybe South; I’m not a hundred percent sure, but it was definitely either north or south.

The reason that’s significant is because, as you well know, Campbell is the north/south dividing line in our village. In other words, it runs east and west, so there is no north or south on it. So even if I tried to find this address in real life, it wouldn’t be there. It just doesn’t exist.

So why is my brain sending me there?

If it’s trying to remind me that I have an appointment in real life, it’s doing a very bad job. The only detail that I can remember – and I can remember it vividly – it’s gotten completely wrong. Meanwhile, I don’t have a time or a purpose for this appointment, and nothing comes to mind, now that I’ve woken up.

So I guess I’m going to miss this appointment – assuming it’s a thing in real life, anyway.

This is the sort of thing that you would be around to remind me of; you kept the social calendar in the family. You would be the one making appointments, and reminding us to keep them. Without you around, we’re going to tend to forget things. Indeed, last night, we were mildly embarrassed by the fact the Sparks were having their annual food drive, and it hadn’t occurred to us to bring any canned goods or other non perishable food items with us to club.

All of which reminds me, I’m going to have to schedule both doctor and dentist appointments for the two of us at some point in the near future. In particular, I’ve got to go out and get a Covid test a little more than a week from now, for reasons that I’ll explain later. I don’t even know who Daniel’s doctor is, and I’m only vaguely aware of his dentist. I’m never going to figure out how to do this. I could really use your help, but I know I’m not going to get it.

It’s weird; this is one of the things they talked about again at last night’s Grief Share. The fact is that I’ve lost more than a spouse and a friend, but that I’ve lost someone who took care of this or that responsibility around the house, and now I have to figure out how to do it on my own.

Whether that includes trying to sort out this appointment at some nonexistent address, is probably another matter entirely.

For what it’s worth, I’ve checked it out. West or east, 1025 Campbell Street is a private residence. Don’t know who lives at either of them, and quite frankly, that’s probably irrelevant. It still leaves me wondering what my brain was thinking, but there’s a point where you just have to stop asking it any more, as you’re not going to get any satisfactory answers.

Until next time, honey, take care, and keep an eye out for us. Love you.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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