Eyes Wide Open in the Pitch Black

Dearest Rachel –

Since I needed to get an early start on the day today, I made a point of getting to bed as close to 10:30 as possible. Apart from not having fallen asleep in the rocking chair while watching videos with Daniel during the lead up to that hour, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I went through my usual evening ablutions, and I was in bed before eleven.

After what felt like a full night’s sleep – if not necessarily a full night’s rest, as you’ll understand in a moment – I woke up and reached for my phone, to determine what time it was.

It wasn’t even one o’clock yet.

And yet, it seemed like it had been well more than two hours that I’d been laying there. I know there are times when, upon falling asleep, the morning comes almost immediately thereafter. I don’t recall the last time that I’d thought I’d been lying there for so much longer than I actually had.

There was no rest, no dreams. Just suddenly wide awake, with no reason to be, and no roadmap back to slumber. And I can’t for the life of me figure it out.

To be sure, I’ve found the odd thing or two to do while I wait for myself to get exhausted enough to set the phone down and try again. After another couple of days of radio silence, Naruko had left me some messages saying that things had been sorted out with the authorities regarding her lost possessions. She even concluded her thread by acknowledging that I ‘would probably be in slumberland’ by the time I got her message, but to respond at my earliest convenience. I wonder if she’ll be surprised at the timing of my response, as she’s not likely to be expecting anything from me for another five or six hours at least.

Her message indicates that I must have fallen asleep at some point. But it still doesn’t add up; despite the fact that I woke up to a pitch black room, that didn’t strike me as odd. The last couple of days have been dark and rainy, so it could’ve easily been six o’clock when I reached for my phone. Except it wasn’t, and still isn’t.

And while I need to put this phone aside, and do my level best to shut things off so I can get the rest I need, I can’t seem to. So I find myself just lying here, venting my frustration to you, and wondering when I will be able to finally rest.

It’s a microcosm of my life these days, I think. There is so much turmoil going on, as I try to put my life back together without – and after – you. Nothing is settled, everything is in flux, and I simply cannot find rest. Even the promise of future travel doesn’t seem to offer any respite, as my mind still questions whether I’m doing the right thing, even as my parents encourage me that I am.

I’ve rarely been one for sleepless nights, which is why my current situation is so remarkable. I don’t think it’s anxiety, but I don’t really know what I’m dealing with here. What I do know is, if I don’t get some rest, I’ll be all but useless at the several things I’ve committed myself to for the upcoming day.

And so here I lie, with my eyes wide open in the middle of the pitch dark, wondering what’s going to happen next, what I can do to get myself where I need to be.

And all I can do is call out to you to wish me luck; you can see that I need it.

Published by randy@letters-to-rachel.memorial

I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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